Back once again like an ass-whuppin’ Squee,
The C to the R to the A-I-G.
A Magic phenomenon, playa supreme,
Winning a Pro Tour is my one true dream.
My game is tight so respect my skills,
Riding the Gravy Train to pay my bills.
Ya diss me, punk, you’d better watch your diction,
I’ll schoolz ya, boy, and that’s fact, not fiction.
You stand and marvel at my faultless play,
But prick up your ears – I got something to say…
These words won’t come as a (two-point) shock:
I’m here to talk about Onslaught Block.
I know some guys that play nothing but white.
Some splash red, adding burn to the fight.
Others add black, but they’re just the same,
Using high-powered spells to control the game.
There’s Zombies and Beasts for the beatdown player,
Kicking punk asses like a vampire slayer:
They’d better be packing enchantment hate
Or Astral Slide will have their balls on a plate.
Some cast vegetation. Next turn, badda-bing!
Untap, draw. Tap eight. Akroma. Swing!
Exalted Angel for crazy life gain:
Form of the Dragon for the clinically insane:
If you want to win, you’d better heed what I say…
The block powerhouse is the deck I play.
So spin the wheel and crank your amp to ten,
And pack your deck with the Little Red Men.
Not long after our game was born,
When aggressive decks were looked upon with scorn,
The great Dave P sang of Goblin Might,
And you’ve got to admit – The Price was Right.
But the Day of the Goblins has long since gone,
The slow train of ‘progress’ keeps rumbling on…
Then it pulled to the station of Onslaught Block,
And I’m pleased to report that the Goblins rock.
Red men are little, which ain’t a surprise,
But my four Goblin Sledders help boost my guys.
For some early mana, four Skirk Prospector.
My four Piledrivers kill like Hannibal Lecter.
Four Clickslithers for some trampling beef,
And everyone hails four Goblin Warchief.
Three Sharpshooters give me multiple pings,
And my two Sparksmiths do very bad things.
Four Siege-Gang Commander, the shock machine,
With three Incinerator for removal obscene.
I play two Shocks for some combat tricks
And to cap it all off, there’s 2 Rorix.
So there’s all the spells, but what of the land?
Four Goblin Burrows help my troops expand.
Add twenty mountains and the deck’s complete,
The mono-red goblin gangster elite!
For the sideboard, a staple of all red decks,
The new Cursed Scroll, four Sulfuric Vortex.
Four Stabilizer stops that cycling plan,
Three Threaten, to kill them with their own big man,
Two Sparksmiths to hurt things in the way,
One Incinerator just to ruin their day,
And one cheeky Rorix to complete the fifteen,
Able to cope with any deck on the scene.
“Tell us something new!” I hear you all cry.
“We want innovation!” – I ain’t that guy.
“Goblins have been done, there’s nothing you can say
That’ll alter our decks or improve our play!”
Well, I say”HA!” to your jive-ass jibes,
Your negative stance is giving off bad vibes.
My Red Men can compete with the best,
And to prove my point, I put the deck to the test:
My Goblins kick ass – they were ready to roll:
I threw them against some Mono-White Control.
Expecting a beating, I took up the fight,
Facing many a turn 2 Silver Knight
This matchup goes in the Goblin’s favor,
But a quick Silver Knight ain’t a prospect to savor.
My maindeck Clickslithers ruled the roost,
With my bit-part goblins giving them a boost
(Sometimes I miss my old Goblin Goons,
But pro-red Weenies make the Goons buffoons).
Siege-Gang Commander makes like Mr. T-
He pities the fool who plays M-W-C.
Your guys on the board are immune to flame?
Make an SG-C. Untap, win game.
2/2 pro red got you in a dither?
SG-C and his pals make one mighty Clickslither.
If you add a Sharpshooter, it becomes insane,
Just tapping and sacking to increase the pain.
Games two and three, it just gets sick,
As the four Vortex stop their life-gain trick.
Out come the Sparksmith and Incinerators
Add Stabilizer, the cycling haters.
Sometimes I ditch Rorix. Sometimes he stays in.
No Dawn Elemental? Make Rorix and win.
But slow down, Sparky, it ain’t all roses…
Here are some dangers that Mono-White poses:
Try if you can to keep a hold of some cards-
You don’t wanna fall to a cheeky Wing Shards.
Once they board, they have removal in spades –
Some play the troublesome Rain of Blades.
Vengeance is bad, but we all know that-
Beware of a Knight in a Dragon-Scaled hat.
Sometimes a Vortex gives them the blues,
But sometimes the game becomes a race you can lose.
By playing precisely, you can make the fools bleed –
They lack good removal at instant speed.
If they’re in control, be prepared to scoop –
Make sure there’s the time to let your forces recoup.
It’s a favourable matchup, as most will agree,
So be sure you’ve the time for games 2 and 3.
Now against red-white, it’s a different story –
Adding the red makes the battlefield gory.
Maher Red-White and traditional Slide
Give the red menace a precarious ride.
Our low-toughness guys are given short shrift,
If the enemy makes an early Lightning Rift.
And the Siege-Gang Commander’s bomb stops ticking,
Because Starstorm gives us an instant kicking.
Clickslither gives them a bit of a fright,
But if they kill all our goblins, they’ll block him all night.
Even after boarding, it ain’t to hot –
The Vortex is the only real weapon we’ve got –
They read the sites, and know what’s brought in –
Their sideboard cards Wipe Clean our smug grin.
Of course, Stabilizer can win us the game,
But draw one turn 10 and they feel pretty lame.
I stick in the Rorix for an extra surprise,
As we have a slim hope if we take to the skies.
They slide out our men. Their guys are pro-red.
They cycle for Rift damage aimed at our head.
They have Silver Knight. They have Wing Shards
They’ve written”Kill Sligh” on all of their cards.
Our one hope is batter them before they begin,
‘Cos if they see their removal, we will not win.
Goblins are popular- on this, we agree.
We all want a deck that can win on turn 3.
The tourney-scene’s packed with the Sligh-loving brother –
Hunting down tips for when we face each other.
My Little Red Men are well prepared for this foe,
Geared for success in any red-on-red show.
Incinerators rule. You’ve gotta love Shock.
Kill it, make a guy, swing, put ’em on a clock.
The well runs dry of removal tricks?
Make a fat dragon. Smack them for six.
But my MVP is the Goblin Sharpshooter
(What did you expect here? Merfolk Looter?!)
With him on the scene, it don’t get no better:
Gunning down guys with your three-drop Beretta.
But to win the mirror match, your primary goal.
Is to make damn sure that you win the dice roll.
And what of the other decks that make up the field?
Here’s where the strength of the deck is revealed.
If your enemy plays with creature type Beast
He’ll die very quickly- fetch him a priest.
Is he playing Bidding? Is he planning to attack?
Just Threaten a monster and hit him right back.
Yes, Ravenous Baloth can cause you some pain,
But the Vortex stops the pesky life gain.
If Zombies swarm from across the divide,
Slap down your Goblin Sledders with pride –
They swing for one, puff out their chest
And save Piledrivers from the dreaded Infest.
Unholy Grotto can spell bad beats –
A Rotlung’s rotten if the spell repeats,
But the biggest threat is the morph, turn 3 –
He’ll soon become a 4/4 for free.
The rest of the field should tremble and shake,
Trapped by the force of the Goblin earthquake.
All your best spells have a cc of eight?
C’mon, you can make it…. Oops, too late!
I love playing Goblins – sometimes you just win.
It feels so good that they’ve declared it a sin.
Form of the Dragon? Ground troops can’t attack?
Make Rorix, swing. Good game, Jack.
My name is Craig, and I’m a stone cold player,
Bouncing back on the scene like Reya.
I make red men. I watch them swing.
Commanding my troops like a Goblin King.
Step to me, punk, you’d better step back,
I’m the Captain of the cardboard crack.
You wanna do well? Play mono-red.
Any other deck and you’ll wind up dead.
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Yo!
Craig Stevenson
[email protected]
Scouseboy on MTGO