{From Right Field is a column for Magic players on a budget or players who don’t want to play netdecks. The decks are designed to let the budget-conscious player be competitive in local, Saturday tournaments. They are not decks that will qualify a player for The Pro Tour. As such, the decks written about in this column are, almost by necessity, rogue decks. They contain, at most, eight to twelve rares. When they do contain rares, those cards will either be cheap rares or staples of which new players should be trying to collect a set of four, such as Wildfire, Llanowar Wastes, or Birds of Paradise. The decks are also tested by the author, who isn’t very good at playing Magic. His playtest partners, however, are excellent. He will never claim that a deck has an 85% winning percentage against the entire field. He will also let you know when the decks are just plain lousy. Readers should never consider these decks “set in stone” or “done.” If you think you can change some cards to make them better, well, you probably can, and the author encourages you to do so.}
One of the perks of this gig is that getting to play Magic is one of my “jobs.” As in, “Sorry, honey, I can’t do
Does the sun rise in the East?
Do bears p00p in the Forest?
Is John Rizzo friggin’?
For answers to these and more intriguing questions, stay tuned to Mysteries of Nature on The National Geographic Channel after these messages.
So, for nine “grueling” hours over the Christmas to New Year’s holidays, I played Magic with my hero JMS.
Yeah, it’s a tough life. I do it so that no one else has to suffer like this.
You’re welcome.
Jay is going to write up the whole round-robin experience on that “official” Magic site. In fact, these should both hit on the same day. [Not quite, but close enough — Craig] He took all of the notes. I just played the decks. Besides, I don’t want to steal his thunder. So, here’s my own skewed view of the games. Think of this as a companion piece. Me? I’m going to have two browsers up at once, flipping between his take and mine.
Monday, December 26th, 2005, 9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EST
Game 1: (Man, Jay draws a crowd. What are we playing here? Ah, the R/G Soulshift deck versus the Thief of Hope–Blood Clock deck. Wonder how that’ll work out.) Holy mackerel, this is the last ever ABC Monday Night Football game? How did I not remember that? Oh, great, The Patriots are playing The Jets. Well, looks like Brady & Company will end the season on a roll while Peyton and The Colts will limp into the play-offs. (The Soulshift deck can just move sometimes.) Geez, The Colts are going to lose in their first play-off game after starting thirteen-and-oh. And The Pats are going to win another Super Bowl. I hate The Yankees.
Game 2: (Now, we flip who plays which deck. That’s a great idea. Takes the He’s-just-better-than-I-am factor out of the equation.) I think I’ll watch The Dick Cavett Show: Rock Icons DVD that my brother and sister-in-law got me for Christmas. Oh, how cool is this? Joni Mitchell, Jefferson Airplane, Stephen Stills, and David Crosby live on the day that Woodstock ended. They came right from the freakin’ farm, man. Stills even has the same muddy jeans on.
Game 3: (This must be the Soul Train (a.k.a. R/G Soulshift) portion of testing because now we have Soul Train versus Jay’s B/R Ninth Edition precon redux that he calls Dead World.) Mike Vrabel is my new hero. He’s a big Patriots linebacker, and he just caught a touchdown pass. In his career, he has five catches, all for touchdowns. Sweet.
Game 4: (Here we go, flipping back on the Dead World — Soul Train match.) Talk about payback. Ty Law just picked off Tom Brady and ran it back for a touchdown. (It feels like Dead World is just one step behind in this match-up.) Shouldn’t have let him go, Bill.
Game 5: (For this one, the Kamigawa Spirits will be taking on the Selesnya gang from Ravnica.) Has there ever been a better cartoon Santa than John Goodman as the Santa-bot on the first Futurama Christmas episode? Nay, says I. (Crud, I have to mulligan to six.) Yeah, I know. Christmas is over. If it was up to me, every day would be Christmas. (I do not want to keep this hand. There are three lands, but none make Green mana. I can’t really go to five, though, not with three lands in hand.) I know that the present buying would get overwhelming. Hey! Radical idea. “Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store.” If you take away the budget-busting daily gifts, who wouldn’t want every day to be Christmas? I mean, other than non-Christians, of course. (Surprise! I lost without ever having cast a spell.)
Game 6: (Of course, Jay gets both colors of mana when he plays the Selesnya Guild deck.) Mike Vrabel just caught another freakin’ TD pass. I’m gonna buy a Vrabel jersey. Geez, I think I have a man-crush on this guy. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for The Patriots to go to another Super Bowl. Vrabel could catch a TD pass there, too.
Game 7: They’re flashing up some Monday Night Football records. (We’re playing the Soulshift guys versus the Followed Footsteps deck this game.) Dan Marino holds the total yards (over nine thousand) and TD (74) records for Monday Night Football. Seventy-four TD’s on Monday nights alone?! Since I’m related to Dan (something like eighth cousins; my Mom’s a Marino) and I was already a Dolphins fan from the Don Shula-Jim Csonka-Nick Buonticonti-Jake Scott-Mercury Morris days, I watched Dan on MNF whenever I could. (I don’t see how Footsteps can win. Almost every guy in the Soulshift deck can be sacrificed in some way. That kills the Footsteps. I guess you hafta play it on your own guys.) I just can’t remember him being on so often that he could get seventy-four TD passes. The Dolphins must have been on every Monday Night between 1984 and 1988 or something.
Game 8: (Again, the two of us flip playing the Soulshift and Footsteps decks.) Aw, isn’t this sweet. Herm Edwards helped Vinnie Testaverde set an NFL record in garbage time. With the TD pass he just threw, Vinnie becomes the first person to throw at least one touchdown pass in nineteen straight seasons. (How about that? Footsteps won that one. Jay is much better with that deck than I am.) My Italian brothers are figuring prominently in tonight’s game. Vinnie T. Dan. Nick B. Coach Shula. You know, we even claim Csonka by virtue of his last name ending in a vowel.
Game 9: Looks like Jason is going to win our fantasy football championship. His opponent had Adam Vinatieri going, but he needed to make up thirteen points. (This game, it’s the Thief of Hope — Blood Clock deck versus the Ninth Edition B/R deck. Blood Clock is 2-0 so far while Dead World is 0-2.) Vinatieri has had several thirteen-plus-point games over the past few years. “All” that it takes is four field goals and one extra point. Three FGs and four PATs would do it, too. (Wow. Dead World won its first game.) Vinatieri didn’t get that much, though, and Jason’s the champ. Talk about cool alpha-omega coincidences, The Jets played in the first ABC Monday Night Football game and lost it 31 -21. They’ve also just played in the last one and lost it 31-21. I think I’ll play 31 and 21 in the lottery this week.
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005, 9:00 PM to 12:00 AM EST
Game 10: I wonder what Vanilla Ice is doing right now? I mean, right this very instant. (Ah, yes, Dead World against Thief of Time. Interesting match-up.) Is he having fun with all of the money that Queen and David Bowie made for him? Or is he living under a bridge and talking to sewer rats? (Thief of Hope is such a house-rocker, but he has to stay on board, doesn’t he? The B/R deck’s 2-2 now just like the Thief deck.)
Game 11: (Sweet, Thief against the G/W Selesnya deck Jay calls Empire Maker.) Is it okay that Carlos Mencia makes me laugh out loud? As an Italian-American male, I know that I should be offended at a lot of his stuff, but I’m usually not. (Man, that G/W Guildmage is just nuts!) Sometimes, he’s so politically incorrect that you can hear the watchdog groups dialing into Comedy Central’s switchboard, but he always makes a great point. And he is incredibly funny. (Empire Maker just rolled like fat guy trying to get down a hill to a buffet.)
Game 12: (Swap time.) Speaking of Comedy Central… damn, Eric Cartman has to be the funniest cartoon character ever created. You never know where’s he’s going with his whacked-out ideas. I know this, for sure: I want a giant hippie drill that plays Slayer CDs. The best thing about South Park, though, is that Parker and Stone almost always end up giving us a very deep moral wrapped up in all of those scat jokes. (Wow, that G/W Guild deck is good. Or I’m bad. One of the two. Or both.)
Game 13: Hey, where’s Crank Yankers been? (Looks like the Thief of Time deck is going to try to redeem itself against the Followed Footsteps deck. This should be interesting.) I loved that show. Which is weird because I never liked those crank-call CDs. There’s just something so wrong about seeing puppets do it. I can’t help myself. (Too many comes-into-play effects for the Thief-Blood Clock deck to deal with. Not looking good for the Thief.)
Game 14: (If the Thief of time loses this, it’s 2-6. Ugh. I really thought it was better than that.) Okay, on second thought, maybe Stewie Griffin is funnier than Cartman. No, wait. Cartman’s still funnier. I’m so happy that Family Guy is back. I really need to get that Stewie movie they did. (Yep, show nuff, the Thief deck lost. Wow, it just seemed so much better than 2-6.) Now, TVGuide.com is reporting that Futurama might be making a Griffin-esque comeback. Freakin’ sweet! Or, rather, “bite my shiny, metal ass!” No, it’s freakin’ sweet.
Game 15: There was a ton of great music in 2005. (Okey, dokey, Dead World versus Empire Maker. I would think Dead World would win what with all of its removal. Those G/W guys like Watchwolf get really big really quick, though.) Blue Merle had to be my favorite CD. There aren’t many CDs that I could listen to more than once a day, but I can leave that in the car for days on end. I’m gonna go play it right now. I mean, after the game’s over. Just not too loud. Luanne’s asleep. (Yep, B/R beats G/W. Go figure.)
Game 16: (Rematch.) Oh, geez, which one of you guys farted? Four cats. All of them decide they need to sit on my lap, at my feet, or on the desk while I’m playing, and one of them has to cut one. (Whoa. Empire Maker pulls one out. Nice.) This is why humans have cheeks back there. When we let one, they flap together and make a sound so we can figure out who let it. Cats and dogs don’t. You just suddenly smell an odor like a chemical plant that hasn’t passed recent EPA testing. Gawd, I need fresh air. And some Glade.
Game 17: (This is another one that Dead World should win: the Muted Footsteps match-up.) How did Teddy Bruschi tie for the Comeback Player of the Year award? The guy had a freakin’ stroke, for Elvis’ sake. Nobody “ties” that unless they had a severed arm reattached. That’s just stupid. (How did that happen? Footsteps won? Hmmmm . . . could lack of instant-timed removal hurt the Dead World deck?)
Game 18: (Clearly, the answer is “yes” as Footsteps wins again.) By the way, “I broke the dam.” Heh. Man, do I heart South Park.
…
I’m not going to spoil Jay’s fun just in case you decided to read my article first — and, if you did, bless you my son . . . or daughter, but most likely you’re a son — because the last two games just happened to be between the decks with the two best records: Empire Maker (4-2) vs. Muted Footsteps (5-1). Those two, then, were like a play-off. I’ll let Jay riff on those all by himself.
Now, the really scary thing about this is that JMS, being a man after my own anal-retentive-borderline-OCD heart, had all twenty games mapped out beforehand. That means that he had scheduled those two decks for the last two games back in October. Really and for true. Did he know that they were the two best decks? Possibly. Whatever the reason for his schedule, it kinda flipped my wig when I realized how it turned out.
…
My final thought this week is a melancholy one. I am gonna miss Ted something fierce. Even though I never met the man, I really feel like my big brother is moving on. Since I never had a big brother before (my brother Jonathan and sister Annie tell me it’s wonderful), it really is sad.
However, I’m looking forward to working with Craig. I hope he doesn’t have a stroke editing my stuff [After this? Piece of cake, mate — Craig]. I do take an awful lot of license with grammar. Sometimes. Like that. (Note to Craig: I do know Strunk & White, the AP/UPI system, and never had a decision reversed by a Court of Appeals due to bad punctuation or grammar. Honest.)
I did learn a few things from Ted. For example, I now spell out words like forty-one. You’re welcome, you big Knut. See you in the funny pages.
Chris Romeo
CBRomeo-at-Travelers-dot-com