Feature Article – Extended Tech: Size Does Matter

Extended is, and has long been, a mishmashery of good, better, and Frank Rizzo, jerky, for the last couple of seasons. I sought one of the above adjectives for my latest soon-to-be, cutting-edge creation. Something would come if I just let it. Something has, and although it certainly took a long time to get there, it’s not broken, and it may not even be very good. Still, Big Mana can do Big Things, like suggest that I Capitalize For No Good Reason.

The Beginning

The thought process started with this hodgepodge of lower-case wannabe-brokenness:

MY LIST!
life from the loam
zombie infestation
squee
deep analysis

Early in the brainstorming process, I realized that Zombie Infestation, Squee, and Life From The Loam reeked of something wicked. To make three or four zombie tokens every turn is to love smashing face with more 2/2s than Flame-kin Zealot has ever seen sans Bridge From Below.

But what to do with this idea? Build it into a madness deck? Incorporate this silliness into an old-school Ichorid build? Toss it head-first into Aggro Loam? Include slow-ass Pyre Zombie in the conversation? Should I be able to cast Squee in a pinch? Who is John Galt?

Mostly, I just set it aside and waited for inspiration to lovingly rap me on the ass neck. It hasn’t since, even weeks, okay, working on months now, later.

Likewise, in the vein of “que pasa?” and “this is so kewl!” Suppress could be a sweet play if immediately followed with Stifle or Voidslime. If you insist on talking about your “do-nothing” combos, this is precisely the bill-fitter du jour. But I spent too much time on this idea.

If one is itchin’ for a scratch, consider this my fingernails on your back, delicately sliding all the way down to your tramp stamp:

Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth
Stern Judge
Crusading Knight

Whoever thought Stern Judge could be a Constructed “finisher?” Not me, you, or that friend who claims he lost his virginity at age ten, but in the right deck, he very well could be. That “right deck” is one I will no longer endeavor to build. Lemme know how it works out for you.

Is the time right for Reborn Hero? No.

As much as I’d like to revisit the Glimpse deck from last year, under no circumstances will I permit myself more than a passing nostalgic, melancholic, lethargic glance. But man, if I added Tarmogoyf…

Still, Tombstalker can be mind-blowing when you take into consideration how often Mesmeric Orb dumps hash-mark laden gutchies into the hamper. He will remove six cards you absolutely do not want to return home before the next Blessing triggers, thus dramatically increasing the odds of drawing your heavy hitters. Still, mill decks are so three-and-four-ish and mid-last year to seriously consider.

4 Life from the Loam
4 Overgrown Estate
4 Flagstones of Trokair

Woot — gain lots of life. Wait! Replace Overgrown Estate with Goblin Trenches and w00t – makes lots of 1/1s! “Why me,” I often ask, to which the only reply can be “why not you?”

Marsh Crocodile.

Deserved its own paragraph, not because you had to click the link, rather in a world of wizards and goblins and zombies and ouphes, he’s a freakin’ crocodile. Nice to know that, even in a fabricated world, there are rules!

I really wanted to use Croc to gate Ravenous Rats and Coiling Oracle. With Thoughtseize, Recoil, and Repeal playing the ever-loyal Tonto, this could be something. Despite the beautiful, elegant and downright sophisticated mack-like plays Croc permits every once in a while but usually not even then, I decided that he is heretofore banished from whence he came, perhaps waiting to be broken by someone more able to exploit the underutilized and underappreciated 4/4 for four.

Crocs!

4 Skeletal Crocodile
4 Sandbar Crocodile
4 Marsh Crocodile
4 Grayscaled Gharial
4 Emperor Crocodile
4 Dross Crocodile
12 Changelings
24 Land

I truly like, nearly to the point of love, and very much miss, nearly to the point of crave, Recoil, and am partially saddened, nearly to the point of becoming emo, that I have not found it an appropriate home. With Thoughtseize and Duress to tag team, is this the year Recoil breaks out of the Invasion Limited Staple Home I Coulda Been A Constructed? If so, credit me, nearly to the point of cyberfondling, in a loving footnote. Kinda think it won’t, though.

How about the dragon lairs with the scry and graft lands? Sure, you could just use the Ravnica bounce lands, but wouldn’t you rather tap, pick up, and tap the lair, giving you two actual mana, than bemoan how “comes into play tapped” is not always the cat’s ass? Though, with the bounce lands, you may be able to swing a game loss for keeping a mana-shy hand and losing because the land you finally drew said “do not untap ‘til Xmas.” Think of the stories!

While those non-ideas festered, I moved on to something a little more concrete, and more immediate, for looking over the local-and-then-some schedule, there are five events that I could conceivably, and should invariably, attend.

Consider that I played in three, count ‘em, three, PTQs all of 2007, and I’m suddenly all about biting off more bat heads than Ozzy. You remember, back when he was cool, not a caricature of his former self and why-are-my-kids-effed-up-into-oblivion-MTV-d-bag. Three PTQs in one year. And I call myself a journalist.

I kept MY LIST! in my head, sort of, wanting something broken to come to me and only me, but managed to tell everyone who would listen that if Extended was to broken this season, here it is, bam, and you say god damn, this is a dope jam. Remember when Public Enemy didn’t suck?

A couple months ago, I got a hold of a ton of old-school rap stuff that I listened to when I was in my formative years: Run-DMC, Boogie Down Productions, Ice-T, Schoolly D, The Fat Boys, etc, and when my elder ears heard the songs of yore, I wanted to laugh until I cried. That stuff does not age well, which makes sense, since I didn’t either. I went from “the world is my oyster” directly to “creepy and cantankerous old man,” with nary a stop for “responsible adult.”

You’ll do the same. Fifteen years from now when you hear Green Day, My Chemical Romance, and whatever else you put on your omg-I’m-so-cutting-edge ipod lists at the bottom of your articles, you’ll say to yourself “just how much ass did I smoke back then?” and “Rizzo was right — I was a complete d*ck!”

The End Of The Beginning

While I had toyed around a bit with madness, mostly to fulfill contractual obligations, the first real world real boy I built was this:

Black White Something

4 Thoughtseize
4 Savannah Lions
3 Duress
3 Sensei’s Divining Top
3 Isamaru, Hound of Konda
4 Gerrard’s Verdict
4 Dark Confidant
4 Spectral Lynx
3 Umezawa’s Jitte
1 Disenchant
4 Vindicate
3 Tombstalker
4 Godless Shrine
4 Polluted Delta
3 Caves of Koilos
2 Swamp
2 Ghost Quarter
2 Flagstones of Trokair
1 Bloodstained Mire
1 Flooded Strand
1 Plains

I liked the fact that everything was extremely cheap; three mana drops every card in the deck. While it plays plenty of good cards, and can simply drop weenies, overwhelm your hand, and Vindicate the pitiful remains, this is not what it does often enough. If I need disruption, I can count on an endless parade of weenies to find the top of my deck. When I desperately need offense, this deck finds it humorous to peel discard ad nauseum until I am dead.

Additionally, turn 1 Thoughtseize off a fetchland never, and I mean never, hurt me more than it hurt you. This, of course, happened until I learned that Duress and Thoughtseize on turn 1 is so n00b; why not present a two-power threat, “protect” him, and he could… go… all… the… way. Right, in Extended, he could.

The most important strike against the above deck is that it is uninspiring. It’s just so… bleh. It lacks interesting synergies, and does very little to make an opponent sit up straight, stop dropping that pencil (she knows, she always knows), and take notes.

It plays little guys and tries to disrupt you. A “wow” could be offered if either the guys were impressive, or the disruption actually mattered. Any Extended deck that can’t weather two early discard spells should pack up its things and proceed directly to the loser’s bracket, where this deck will soon be joining in the festivities.

Spectral Lynx, who wants to be a very good reason to play a deck of these colors, will eat more than its fair share of splash damage in the form of dedicated ‘Goyf kill; it would be nearly ironic if “coincidental” is what ironic meant.

Anyway, in order to provide a more perfect union, and make the deck less bleh, one must consider adding Blue, the color of he-men and/or transvestites, but just for Recoil. But once you do that, gee, Wally, I wonder if Meddling Mage is the next logical step? Or perhaps Counterbalance?

I took the above deck to the Legacy tourney at Crossroads, fully expecting to get beat about the neck, head, chest, and breast, but was pleasantly surprised to finish second, losing only to a stupid amount of Chain Lightnings from the semi-real Legacy deck that won the whole shebang.

The good news about everyone’s favorite 5/5 for BB is that he flat out wins games; when he shows up, game over, no questions asked. Twice he turned up from Bob, and dayum if he didn’t go and win those games right on the spot. For my opponent. When he doesn’t eight my face, he socks someone else for their life total. Thus, Tombstalker is a game ender no matter which way you slice it.

Thusly, two weeks from the first Extended PTQ, this is the working build:

Basilica/Benalia is neat. Unless you actually want to, I don’t know, like cast some spells anytime soon. Looking at the list, I’m not sure why I feel the need to add a Grave to the main and a few Recall to the side, but hey, my mind is all about Aristotle and his peripatetic leanings. I feel like Flores, what with using Big Words and Capitalizing Things &c metric SWOT analysis.

“Did you want us to come over and shoot her?”
“Someone set us up the bomb.”
“Don’t tase me, bro!”

There, now I feel like myself again, what with updumping pop culture into the pages of what is nothing less than a serious literary venture.

After reading Chapin’s initial article on Next Level Blue way back when, I felt obliged to add Counterbalance to the mix. Instead of doing just that, I decided to cut any idea of Blue entirely, mostly to teach Chapin, Tie Wearer, a lesson. What that lesson entails, even Aesop could not determine. However, notice something:

1cc:
4 Thoughtseize
3 Savannah Lions
3 Duress
3 Sensei’s Divining Top
3 Isamaru, Hound of Konda

2cc:
4 Dark Confidant
4 Spectral Lynx
3 Castigate
3 Umezawa’s Jitte
3 Smother
3 White Knight
3 Silver Knight

3cc:
3 Vindicate

Counterbalance owns me so much.
So does Shackles.
Chalice for two ain’t so nice, and Pernicious Deed ain’t either.

Sometimes the glaring holes of your creation are not truly evidenced until you actually test them. This was one of those times. Alas, it made so much sense when I was “teching it” out.

Tech alert:

2 Ronom Unicorn
2 Kami of Ancient Law

Pithing Needle that! Dovescape it even! I’m so clever! Exclamation point!

Do I really need Engineered Plague? Does anyone still play Goblins? Or Elves? Or Goblins vs. Elves? How many people really own Tarmogoyf? Who is John Galt?

I can’t help but think Deathmark should be in here somewhere, since I pretty much look at Loxodon Hierarch and think that, even though John Tucker must die, I should be playing that guy.

Loxodon Hierarch: ←John Tucker.

No, I never saw it, so don’t congratulate me on another trendy, be-bop, hep-cat reference, but I did see Waiting For Godot and still don’t get it. I’m man enough to admit when I just don’t, and never will, get something, such as any chyk that isn’t head-over-heels in love with me. Inconceivable! Wow, I’m pounding them out now: bam bam bam clockwork.

Eventually, I thought long and hard, but not about throwing this deck away, which is what I should have done weeks ago. Instead, the thought was: is Terminate so much better than Smother that adding a third color and throwing wrenches at the monkey that is my manabase worth it? Thus:

Fish

4 Thoughtseize
3 Savannah Lions
3 Duress
3 Sensei’s Divining Top
3 Isamaru, Hound of Konda
4 Dark Confidant
4 Spectral Lynx
3 Castigate
3 Umezawa’s Jitte
3 White Knight
3 Terminate
3 Silver Knight
3 Vindicate
4 Godless Shrine
3 Bloodstained Mire
3 Plains
2 Caves of Koilos
2 Swamp
1 Sacred Foundry
1 Blood Crypt
1 Polluted Delta
1 Flooded Strand

I’m self conscious about my back hair. There, I said it. Know what? I do feel better! I’ll still insist on my wife taking a razor to the offending mange before I hit the beach, but man, I feel so free. How do you feel about your back hair? Please let us know in the forums.

I took this crazy bastard to another Legacy tourney, where I ended up in second, losing only to a mono-Red burn deck. Because everyone plays those. Chain Lightning you. Bolt you. Price of Progress and Fork it lol so much then Anarchy your board. One could compare that to the speed of death that is Gaea’s Might Get Domain And Face You. One could also choose to take a trip to Bratislava and get up close and personal with the local very sharp and scary things.

Know what I’ll never do: take a trip outside the continental United States, ever. It wasn’t so long ago that “yes, I’m an American” would grant you, at the worst, a price gouge at the local market, but nowadays I can’t imagine not greeting everyone with a “hey hoser, how’s it goin’, eh?” just to be on the safe side and not get, uh, killed.

Anyway, the deck is “okay” and I want “more than okay,” or at least “something that doesn’t scoop to Chapin’s deck on turn 4.”

In a quest of “more than okay,” “tinkering sessions” led me to one “infallible conclusion”: I’m falling further into “the pit” of “double-u-tee-eff,” and is there a way out sans “being reinserted” and “tasting” steak? I went back to the “baseline”:

MY LIST!
life from the loam
zombie infestation
squee
deep analysis

After approximately twenty solid hours of brainstorming (on top of the eighty or so already established), I had just about hit rock bottom. Nothing was Snickers-satisfying. Fish morphed into Rock-like variants with Deeds and Vindicates, and if they could possibly be any more inconsistent, write me something all purloined, would you.

This was the final straw:

Untitled GW Thing

4 Orim’s Chant
4 Suppression Field
4 Armadillo Cloak
2 Moldervine Cloak
2 Griffin Guide
4 Savannah Lions
3 Isamaru, Hound of Konda
4 Silver Knight
4 Knight of the Holy Nimbus
4 White Knight
2 Knight of Meadowgrain
3 Troll Ascetic
8 Plains
4 Brushland
4 Temple Garden
2 Llanowar Reborn
2 Forest

Field is so good against so much! Cloaked Trolls ftw! Pro:everything! And Chant you with kicker! I couldn’t believe how far I had fallen — from the high of early Fish versions that turned out not to be so worthy of the exalted status, to the lows of the above “thing,” that happened to sport the worst color combination in Magic.

Deck after deck after idea after wasted effort led me to believe that Magic is bad for you in so many ways, not the least of which is your skin turning a pale and sickening shade of Technicolor from a combination of the computer screen glow and lack of sunlight or anything that isn’t sedentary by its sheer nature.

“Ichorid,” thought I, for no apparent reason. Why not give it a whirl, and not that Flame-Kin version, we’re talking old school, baby. We’re talking Mike Crumb beating the robots and taking down the crown. You know, back when Extended was just like Standard with slightly more expensive cards…

Until I wrecked it! And changed the way Wizards designed cards for the next two years! Prove I didn’t.

I put it together, fished it for an hour or two and was pleasantly surprised that I not only remembered how to play it., but found it as fun as it was back in the day. Even though I’ve logged enough hours to get my learner’s permit, there were tricks and strategies to relearn, such as: do you have an outlet and dredge card in your opening hand? If not, mulligan until you do. You know — complexity at its finest.

Somehow, knowing that the deck isn’t really “competitive” anymore, or at least under the radar, made me feel like I had some breathing room. No one plays it, no one expects it, and even if there are a few random Tormod’s Crypts in sideboard, why not? It can’t do any worse than Fish, which may or may not be an average deck that would lead to average results.

If no one is really thinking about Ichorid, there is a chance, albeit tiny, that it could regain some of its former glory and vault me into “good at Magic” territory, if for only a day. Hell, all you need is a day.

Know what I really enjoy doing? Shoveling snow. So far this winter, we’ve received around fifty inches. As a comparison, the entirety of last year, we had about forty-five. Man, I’m sure glad that global warming is finally kicking in!

Funny, but the Friday before the PTQ, two guys and I shoveled ice and snow all day at work. I got home, ate dinner and crashed, hard, at 5:30. I awoke at 9:45 the next morning — the PTQ in Brighton morning. Thus, no five hours of driving, no $75 spent, no exhausted arrival home at midnight. If I was excited about a deck, perhaps I would have been a might perturbed. Yes I did care, but you don’t care to understand me. Not truly, anyway.

What if they gave a PTQ and Rizzo slept through it? Well, he’d go to the Type II City Champs at Crossroads with this:

OONA! Yes, Pretty Much The Same Deck Since States

4 Lightning Axe
4 Dark Withering
4 Fiery Temper
4 Oona’s Prowler
4 Merfolk Looter
4 Psychotic Episode
4 Looter il-Kor
3 Shriekmaw
4 Reckless Wurm
3 Tombstalker
4 Gemstone Mine
4 Terramorphic Expanse
3 Swamp
3 Mountain
2 Sulfurous Springs
2 Underground River
2 Shivan Reef
2 Island

Sideboard:
4 Thoughtseize
3 Withered Wretch
3 Shadow Guildmage
3 Nightshade Assassin
2 Terror

Obviously, the deck is a pile, so naturally, I tore through the field, losing in the finals to U/B Mannequin that beat me earlier. Dark/Axe killed more men than Idi/Amin. Interestingly enough, the deck is so “bad” that peeps gave me their Champs prizes, foil Reckless Wurm and Fiery Temper. They know those cards are bad, my deck is bad, I am even worse, and those are not forever cards. I beg to differ, but I didn’t even have to beg. Score!

If you’d like to know, I did mulligan 12 times in 17 games, twice going to four. One might call that “aggressive use of the mulligan;” alternatively, one may instead say a brother needs more than 22 lands. Yet, I had an on-the-play mulligan to four in game three against Dragonstorm. And won. I’m still proud of myself. Because I got lucky.

For those of you counting at home, that’s three City Champs and three top fours, netting me 8 points for no reason in the process. Feel free to mention a 19th at States with a deck that no one, sans humble narrator, will dare play. I’ll admit the list looks ugly, the cards are somewhere between “Limited Staple” and “Trash Rare,” and I built it, so that’s three strikes against it. Whatever, it wins, and I’m good with that.

From the files of the “I’m On To You” department:

From the compendium The Phantom of the Movies’ Videoscope, by Joe Kane, a review of the 1970 film “Cry of the Banshee:”

“When 16th-century witch-hunter Whitman slaughters heathen followers of sorceress Oona, the latter swears vengeance against him and his family.”

“Creative” team my ass! Wizards steals! And OONA!’s been kicking ass since 1970!

From The Magus, by John Fowles:

“We may have got Maurice very wrong. In which case we shall need a knight errant.”

Wizards even steals stuff for Starter and Portal!

Case(s) Closed.

But back to Extended, and why I can’t come up with something ground breaking, or at least rump shaking. Then it hit me, and I hit back:

Tarmogoyf.

Ichorid plus flying Tarmogoyf equals dude.

I checked eBay for ‘Goyfs, and was most unpleasantly not surprised to see that most of the playsets had a buy it now for the low introductory price of around $160. At this point, I realized I should perhaps test ‘Goyf in Friggorid before shelling out all the pain. The idea went like this:

Friggorid Two Years Later

4 Chrome Mox
4 Putrid Imp
4 Cabal Therapy
4 Zombie Infestation
4 Psychatog
1 Oona’s Prowler
1 Golgari Thug
4 Golgari Grave-Troll
4 Stinkweed Imp
4 Deep Analysis
4 Ichorid
3 Street Wraith
2 Wonder
4 Polluted Delta
4 Watery Grave
3 Cephalid Coliseum
3 Bloodstained Mire
1 Dakmor Salvage
2 Overgrown Tomb

Sideboard transformation:
3 Dark Withering
3 Arrogant Wurm
4 Tarmogoyf
2 Umezawa’s Jitte
3 Duress

See the cleverness? I win game 1 (hopefully), then counteract their graveyard hate, or maybe I don’t, in game 2 (or 3), and get all Rock-like on their unsuspecting ass. The thing is, why not throw in a few ‘Goyfs main? Seriously, a turn 2 flying attacker named 4/5 ‘Goyf, who could be joined by an Ichorid or three and all the Zombies you can eat, and flying too! could be serious beatings.

Sure, one could just play the Flame-kin version, but somehow, a deck that has five ways to win that needn’t happen on turns 1 or 2 just seems better than a dredge deck I didn’t invent. Or maybe it doesn’t.

I took the above, sans ‘Goyfs and plus real duals, to the Legacy at Crossroads, went 2-2 and saw my precious Eternal rating plummet even more into the depths of averageness. Oh-em-gee, this is getting frustrating now. Cheap and Small Mana spells and creatures (especially those who are free) suck.

The Middle

Two more weeks of Extended love.hate.enigma saw me throw chips into the wind with caution. They fell where they may, and led me to a happy place where I was accidentally determined to prove that Big Mana means big effects means more game wins. All one must do is survive long enough for the Big Mana to become relevant. Right?

Big Mana U/B

4 Dimir Signet
3 Mind Stone
4 Mulldrifter
4 Phyrexian Arena
4 Damnation
4 Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
1 Beacon of Unrest
3 Kokusho, the Evening Star
2 Keiga, the Tide Star
3 Consume Spirit
3 Profane Command
1 Venser, Shaper Savant
7 Swamp
4 Watery Grave
3 Cabal Coffers
3 Tolaria West
3 Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth
2 Island
1 Miren, the Moaning Well
1 Underground River

This deck creates stupid amounts of mana and facebooks you to death. Not much else to say. Casting two Kokushos on turn 6 is not out of the question, nor that interesting after you’ve done it half a dozen times. So long as your opponent is a goldfish.

It looks complicated and convoluted, and of course that’s precisely what it is when it’s not busy being not that. As with many Big Mana decks, sometimes the pieces fall into place so easily, that doing fifty damage in one turn is nearly embarrassing. Other times the pieces don’t fall at all, but the deck does have a saving grace: all the big spells are game-altering, and while a number of decks use big cards, they won’t have the requisite oodles of mana to wash it down.

Turn 3 Korlash and grandeur, followed by Kokusho on turns 4 and 5 is going to be difficult for most decks to handle, unless they’ve already won by then. Obviously, a well-placed Thoughtseize or Vindicate that mustn’t be very well placed at all can chink the armor. Good thing no one plays those spells. One thing I’ve noticed about phat-ass cards is that when your deck is filled with them, it’s not an exercise in futility to try to come from behind. Coming from behind is my favorite anyway.

When you’re playing off the top, what would you rather draw: Savannah Lions or Keiga? Dark Confidant or Profane Command? Get the picture? At least I took out the Randy-B-signed Dark Depths that was in an early version. You laugh, and so do I, but man, when you can remove 30 counters in one turn and serve for lethal, even Pissyhog gotta stand up and take notice.

Cabal Coffers has always been stupid. In fact, it was one of the most stupid parts of my second-most favorite Ichorid deck ever, way back when Torment was barely legal. Back then, I was mostly recurring Braids with Gravedigger, pumping Nantuko Shade and removing Crypt KEEPER for Ichorid. So young I was, and full of promise and riding a tremendous wave of Constructed success with Mono Black. Then I quit. Whatever.

Big mana r00lz!, I was convinced of that. Take into account that I started idealizing weeks before the first PTQ took place. Since then, there have been developments, revisions and sweeping changes (shocking in Extended, I know). Dredge wasn’t really in the picture, or more accurately, the pundits were saying “no one will play it it’s so easy to hate omg yer so lame to play Dredge!”

They were not entirely correct. Gasp, those in the know, well, didn’t.

Doran wasn’t the cat’s ass, and Red Deck Wins was what people who didn’t like long games played. Aggro-Loam was a footnote, a pimple on the ass of Extended. Oh, how a few weeks can change the entire face of the metagame. And make the pundits look like hack pollsters that guaranteed Rudy would win the Republican nomination.

As a side note, I almost quit Magic. I deleted about eight paragraphs that explained the previous statement. Now you’ll have to guess!

*the paragraphs were right here*

And then there’s the next day and everything is all better! Back to work on Extended — four PTQs to attend and all. Scan the Morningtide list — anything I even want to obtain for potential Extended or Standard use? Check out some articles; post a comment in the forums, et cetera, back in the swing of things.

What do they call it when you have severe highs (ma@j1k iz teh @wesum!) and lows f*** Garfield!)? Oh yeah, manic-depressive, or bi-polar even. I wonder if they make a drug for that. And you thought you had problems. I’m f***in’ insane.

MY LIST!
life from the loam
zombie infestation
squee
deep analysis

Still nuthin’, though damn if Devastating Dreams doesn’t seem like it should be on MY LIST! as well. I’m gonna go make that deck right now. Wait…Zombie Infestation plus Devastating Dreams is not a combo. Heh, I had to load up Apprentice and add the Dreams until I realized that.

Wait.

Scapeshift to go get…
Urborg and any number of…
Cabal Coffers.

Nothing is so not wrong here at all. Nothing is so not wrong here at all that I am determined to ensure that nothing ever becomes so not wrong here at all. And I’mma start working on that not wrong right now.

Scapeshift to go get…
4 Treetop Village, or maybe even…
4 Mutavault?

But certainly not 4 Ghost Quarter.

I had tinkered around with mini-versions which used Green instead of Blue, but mostly found them to be bland at best. However, when I saw Scapeshift, things started to click, and I was tingly all over just like how you feel when you’re, like, all tingly. Version One:

Big Mana B/G

4 Sylvan Scrying
4 Sakura-Tribe Elder
2 Life from the Loam
4 Pernicious Deed
2 Eternal Witness
4 Damnation
4 Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
3 Scapeshift
3 Kokusho, the Evening Star
3 Profane Command
2 Consume Spirit
4 Swamp
4 Overgrown Tomb
4 Llanowar Wastes
3 Cabal Coffers
3 Treetop Village
3 Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth
3 Ghost Quarter
1 Forest

I realized Scapeshift isn’t the nuts on turn 4, but is really, really good on turns 6 and 7 when you have no cards left in your hand and suddenly all the mana you could ever use. Nice. Timing.

Version Two

4 Sylvan Scrying
4 Sakura-Tribe Elder
3 Living Wish
4 Pernicious Deed
2 Eternal Witness
3 Garruk Wildspeaker
3 Damnation
4 Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
3 Kokusho, the Evening Star
3 Profane Command
3 Consume Spirit
4 Swamp
4 Overgrown Tomb
4 Llanowar Wastes
3 Cabal Coffers
3 Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth
2 Wooded Foothills
2 Forest
1 Ghost Quarter
1 Miren, the Moaning Well

Garruk plus Coffers — now that is indeed com-laff-out-loud-bo-licious. People who use the word “combo” like that need punched in each testicle, wait until the respective testicles are fully healed, then repeat. But where’s the discard? It’s in there, so subtle that people will expect and come to fear Therapy and Duress flying right out and biting them on the ass. Whatever, it’s an early version, and unlike real writers, I post it as it goes, not merely the finished product, because I like to take up space.

Speaking of, I’m going to rent space in my articles. Your name could be right here → WhoMeYeahU! I’m not sure how to charge yet, but the publicity will be astounding, and when Creative and I can iron out the details, omg even Evan Erwin will be clamoring to see his name in print! Think of what it could do for his career — mentioned in a frigginrizzo article! Wow!

So, I took a deck very similar to the above to Crossroads for a little testing. Cory Abrams, he who disappears for months at a time but always returns for Extended, was frantically purchasing singles for Dredge. As I watched him lick his chops shuffling up, I wondered how in the hell I was going to compete with that most entirely fair deck.

After a dozen matches or so, it turns out that I don’t have to like the Dredge matchup, but I don’t have to hate it as much as I thought. It’s certainly no fun (and not just because the Dredge player spends about six minutes per turn) but it’s not entirely hopeless. Living Wish for Wretch, Jailer, or Rusalka, and with Elder and Deed maindeck, takes what could be a blowout and gives me a chance to attack one aspect of the deck, which often gives me enough breathing room to drop large things.

Affinity, on the other hand, is wonderful… until they Needle my Deed. However, Wish comes to the rescue with Shaman and Stomphowler, and sure I’d like to add a White source or two and be able to fetch Kataki, but the next step is obviously adding a Hierarch or two, then Vindicate, maybe Doran, and well, then this article would be pointless.

Forumites: It’s already pointless gimme a refund fire Rizzo or at least sue him.

Vindicate and Molten Rain are going to suck something fierce, in case you thought I hadn’t noticed. I’ll just make it a point to not play against those cards, k? Or perhaps realize that, unless they draw them in multiples, I’ll weather on like the tough guy I am.

Version Three saw the addition of three Shred Memory maindeck, replacing Garruk, who was cute but not nearly cute enough, and probably not worth $125. Funny to think that Shred Memory is better than Damnation in many matchups, but it is. Obviously, it shocks dredge on turn 2 if needed, but also, in the non-dredge matches, transmutes for Scrying, Elder, Wish, Edict, and lo and behold, Consume Spirit and The Black Command. It’s almost like he’s Dimir Infiltrator all over again but isn’t unblockable.

Sideboard ideas include:

Verdeloth: pretty stupid in a hurry with Coffers in play.
Spiritmonger: still pretty good with Deed in play.
And even without.
He’s also not bad against every single ground pounder ever printed, either.
Platinum Angel: could be a random scoop just ‘cause or not.
Maga: A Wish target burn spell? Fair.
I’ve waited six years to be able to use Crypt KEEPER again, and oh, such sweetness.

I’m sure you all understand just how dumb it can be when you Profane Command your opponent’s face and bring back Eternal Witness, who brings back something dumb as hell in its own right, right? Most. Dumb. Thing. Ever.

The deck was getting the Black Tron online on turn 4 reliably, and while that seems not fast, the things that happened afterwards were often enough to catch up in a hurry. Building up, staving off, and surviving are the goals for the early turns, and a little more offense-slash-defense would help me sleep better at night.

And now.
And now I own four Tarmogoyfs.
At least I didn’t wait until they hit their ultimate price plateau to get them.
Like I did with Thoughtseize.
I’m a good investor, by the way.

Version ‘Goyf

3 Cabal Therapy
4 Sylvan Scrying
4 Tarmogoyf
4 Sakura-Tribe Elder
3 Living Wish
4 Pernicious Deed
2 Eternal Witness
4 Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
3 Kokusho, the Evening Star
2 Laquatus’s Champion
2 Profane Command
2 Consume Spirit
4 Overgrown Tomb
4 Llanowar Wastes
3 Swamp
3 Cabal Coffers
3 Forest
3 Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth
1 Shizo, Death’s Storehouse
1 Ghost Quarter
1 Miren, the Moaning Well

Sideboard:
1 Yixlid Jailer
1 Withered Wretch
1 Crypt KEEPER
1 Indrik Stomphowler
1 Verdeloth the Ancient
1 Laquatus’s Champion
1 Platinum Angel
1 Ravenous Baloth
1 Eternal Witness
1 Viridian Shaman
1 Maga, Traitor to Mortals
1 Boseiju, Who Shelters All
1 Cabal Coffers
1 Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth
1 Ghost Quarter

I’m not sure that ‘Goyf fits in this deck, but I’m not sure he doesn’t. He doesn’t like Deed, but doesn’t necessarily not like Deed, either. Deed for x, drop a 5/6? Seems good. He’s also a quick dude who can block or get sacced to Therapy, because that’s the way you’re supposed to use him: as a chump and flashback target.

Spiritmonger was in between versions, but I realized that Laquatus’s Champion is so much better, kinda. Is six to the face and regeneration for one better than ‘Monger’s own regeneration for one? Whatever, it’s another burn spell, and ‘Monger doesn’t six you. Then again, it doesn’t un-six you either. The deciding factor may be how many people say “omg, ‘Monger is so much better than Champion!” If I hear enough of that, I will be convinced that Champion is the nuts.

Pardon me for not remembering Shizo a little earlier. Having a way to give a phat Korlash fear, and to search for that way and put it into my hand then shuffle my library should be better than having him smash into an endless procession of something dumb. Same deal for Maga, and to a lesser extent, Kokusho, though more often than not, the land I’d rather find for him is Cabal Therapy.

Anyway, the release event was occurring, and I asked myself would I rather pay twenty bucks for five rounds of frustration, or five for Constructed joy, and then playtest for a few hours? No decision.

Abrams has hit heart set on playing the older Dredge, and was all ready for bear until I told him about Zac Hill Chatter Dredge. I remarked that he made some convincing arguments about his build being the best thus far. Abrams checked it out and agreed, noting that it appears this Hill fellow knows his ass from someone else’s ass in the ground, or was at least able to bulls*** like gangbusters. So we played.

I won the first four games, mostly due to Elder knocking out Bridges, having enough chump blockers and Deeds, and Korlash regenerating the hell out of himself against 13/13 or bigger Grave-Trolls. An added bonus was the tightness that is Profane Command you for many, and give Korlash fear and attack you for many more — take twenty from nowhere on turn 6? Cory was, in the parlance of today’s Magic players, kold. He did manage to win the final two, since there is about nothing I can do against turn 2 or 3 Akroma except take six every turn until I’m dead.

The only potential changes worth mentioning, thus far, are a fourth Living Wish, cutting a couple or three lands for Twisted Abomination, who is always in that “he’s okay” state of reference, until he goes in a deck and we remember why he’s so fantastic, more green sources, and omg Deserted Temple omg! Don’t think I’m blissfully unaware that Offalsnout looks just a little better than Crypt KEEPER, ‘cause I’m all about the bliss. Consider this the latest and “greatest” version to put into your gauntlet or just plain ‘ol net deck or yell about in the forums:

At this point, I am convinced that Big Mana is all that, or at least all mostly that. I know the pitfalls of sitting there watching my hand get picked apart, opening hands of three lands and four Big Spells, or watching that crucial land get blown up, but getting the Black Tron online and going to town happens more than it should. The deck can also play Bad Rock with a little good fortune, and ride ‘Goyf to stability, and then the fat things start to drop left and right.

Obviously it hurts to have the Black Tron busted up the turn before it gets nutty (and I know that’s exactly what you were thinking), but with the number of early plays and redundant fetchers, it’s more resilient that I initially thought. Don’t lose just long enough to win — the Big Mana tenet.

Also, losing Big Mana cards to Thoughtseize or Therapy isn’t the end of the world, or game. With plenty of Big Cards, Wish, and Witness, this deck plays pretty well off the top, and can and has recovered from apparently untenable situations. There is no card drawing to speak, but it’s more so implied with Scrying, Wishes, and Korlash; and both Deed and Witness contribute to a potential, but often major, card advantage extent. If it sounds as if I’m trying to talk you into something, consider that I may be trying to convince myself instead.

Additionally, note that the deck has more than one avenue of “attack.” Just enough recursion, tutoring, early plays, fat asses, burn spells, and disruption to present different problems and solutions to different people, places and things. It’s almost like a bad rock deck. And that’s what it’s all about: he who can make Sol Malka vomit the fastest wins.

So, that’s my story, but certainly not the final chapter — there are four PTQs yet to attend. While the deck may need work, I’ll keep in mind what the girls always told me, I mean, what I always heard: size doesn’t matter… except when you rip Profane Command with Black Tron on the table.

Until next time, be aware that, while this is the end of The Middle, it’s positively not…

The End

John Friggin’ Rizzo