DISCLAIMER
For the record, I don’t cheat, and I certainly never practice cheating in any sort of sanctioned event. I have been known to draw extra cards in play-testing to skew the results in favor of the decks I’ve designed though… but really, who hasn’t? The whole first paragraph, along with little snippings in between, were used to draw the reader into the fact that I could actually be an insanely talented cheater that is revealing some of his masterful tricks. I’m still debating on whether I’m going to include this disclaimer, I kind of fancy the idea of being regarded as a master cheat. However, Craig said there was no way he would even think of publishing this “piece” without one at the beginning in bold print, capitalized, with a pink polka-dotted bow tie to make sure it stands out, and another at the end to catch anyone who might naturally skip my first couple paragraphs.
I’d also like to thank all the judges with whom I talked to make this article possible, and for giving me the green light to publish it, as well as giving me some inspiration behind some of the cheats I’m about to present.
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This video represents 1/4 of my animated cartoon childhood. The other 3/4 being Pokemon and those 90’s X-Men and Spiderman cartoons. Pokemon is cleary the weak link, but I dare you to put your Pokemon where your mouth is and dual me! You’d go down. Plain and simple. I have a level 100 Charmander. Beast Wars rocks. Rat Trap is my favorite, but I really didn’t like his transmetal beast form, the little red rat with wheels. I mean, it was cute and all, but I like the plain rat better.
The Sanchez Gallery
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I am an expert cheat. I practice cheating in Magic games on a very consistent basis. I’ve cheated at every kind of tournament; from FNM, PTQ’s, to Grand Prix events, Nationals, even the Pro Tour. I’ve cheated against many of the game’s best and most talented players. The best part is that no one has ever caught me, and until now no one has ever had a clue…
Magic is a game of imperfect information. Everyone has heard this before, but what people commonly forget is that Magic is also a game of imperfect communication. The game that we play on a day to day basis is rooted in the fact that you must communicate with your opponent to play the game. Whether it be verbal, hand gestures, or clicking that orange OK button on Magic Online. Magic would not be able to function if you could not communicate with the person with which you are playing.
Ever since the existence of conscienceness we, as humans, have tried to exploit the boundaries in which we live. I blame females for this, mostly… I mean after all, Eve was the first one to taste of the forbidden fruit. Adam just followed along because he thought Eve would get a bit frisky if he trailed after her long enough. Bottom line, the guy gives the girl one of his ribs and she returns the favor by condemning them both. Ever since that fateful day, life hasn’t been fair. People screw each other countless times each day. We don’t let people take turns in front of us at red lights. No one ever gives a courtesy flush while clearing their bowels in public restrooms. We dart in and out of lanes to try and make that omnipotent green light so we can save a few seconds of our day at the expense of others. We rarely fully stop at stop signs. We sue people for preparing our food the wrong way. These countless acts happen hundreds of thousands of times each day, each second, in a number of different languages. Everyone cheats.
I searched the web for the definition that I felt best fit the word cheating, this is what I came up with:
Cheating – Violating accepted standards or rules.
That pretty much sums it up, but we aren’t done yet. As I said earlier, Magic is a game of imperfect communication.
What does that mean?
It means that when Magic is being played, there is communication going on. Whenever there is communication going on, there is a chance that the things being said or done could be mis-interpreted, which leads to imperfect communication.
A Japanese player casts Undying Rage on his Penumbra Spider and pushes it into the red zone immediately. The American player says “whoa,” and casts Snapback on the Penumbra Spider. Next turn, the Japanese player casts the Undying Rage again on another one of his creatures, and the American player notices that the Japanese player returned the Undying Rage to his hand…
This type of situation happens all the time. There are so many ways to communicate that its almost impossible to communicate correctly, even when talking to someone of your same age, sex, and nationality. How often does a song come on the radio and you have no clue what the lyrics are? Some songs are impossible to just listen to and figure out what is going on. You have to go home and Google the lyrics to make sure you understood it correctly.
The situation above is a very good example at how plays during the game can be miscommunicated, and instead of langauge being a hinderence, it is used as a weapon with which to cheat your opponent. This is a major problem at Grand Prix tournaments today. With more foreigners traveling to more Grand Prix tourneys, this situation is likely to come up far more often that ever before. This sort of thing is much less likely to happen at the Pro Tour, since the level of play is much higher, but at Grand Prix you can easily play all of Day 1 and not get paired against someone who has a pro point, and you can easily cheat them all.
So its been previously established that Magic is a game of imperfect information, and we just established that it is also a game of imperfect communication. The real trick, as a high level cheater, is to use the imperfect communication to gain perfect information.
Your opponent gives you the go signal, you untap all your permanents, start to draw, and he stops you: “I didn’t say go!” Embarrassed you put your card back and tap all your permanents.
This happens all the time. It’s so common, in fact, that people usually don’t even notice when it happens. People are impatient by nature, so its only natural to feel anxious about your next card and curious to see what it is. The problem is that your opponent also wants to know what it is. Whats the best way to find out information on that card? To pass the turn and see the reaction on your opponents face! Then, once they’ve drawn, just pull the ol’ “Whoa, I didn’t say go!” routine.
This is Cheat # 1 in The Sanchez Guide To Cheating, The Timely Pass, and is a cheat that goes unnoticed the majority of the time. This is also the kind of cheat that you must use sparingly so that you don’t attract too much attention. No more than once per match, otherwise you’ll begin to appear sloppy, and nothing attracts judges more than a sloppy player. The best part about this cheat is that you can easily turn it around on your opponent. He feels guilty for taking a turn when he shouldn’t have, which will lessen the risk of him calling a judge, which is the worst possible situation for a cheater. The best time to use this cheat is in the late stages of the game, when the opponent has let his guard down. Early on in the game it is often irrelevant because he has too many cards in hand, or is mentally better prepared for any shenanigans. Later on in the match it is totally different, he is anxious about his next card and the game has gone smoothly so far, which leads him to bring his defenses down.
Before I go any further, I’d just like to show you my checklist that I go through before I cheat:
1) Am I in trouble this game?
2) Will I lose this game if I don’t cheat?
3) Is my opponent smart enough to catch me?
If your answers were “yes,” “yes,” and “probably not,” then it is time to cheat! Following this checklist will keep you out of trouble, and so it should be answered honestly. Remember, while playing a game of Magic there is one thing that is more important than all others. Winning. Like Ricky Bobby always says:
“If you’re not first, you’re last.”
No one wants to be a loser, and cheating is the perfect answer. If you cheat, odds are you won’t lose, and if you do lose that just means you aren’t good enough at cheating… so you need to practice cheating more.
There are many misconceptions about cheating that I’d like to clear up. Many people feel that cheating is proactive, when in fact cheating should be used reactively, or not at all. By cheating reactively I mean you should never go into a situation with the intention of cheating. Cheating is an art, just like smearing colored paints onto blank canvas or playing perfect Magic, and should be treated as such. Cheating should only be used when you have little or no other options, and never aggressively. Otherwise you run the risk of being caught, which is a cheater’s worst nightmare.
Ever since the DCI showed up, cheating has been much harder than it used to be at large events. In the old days, you could easily draw extra cards and your opponent wouldn’t even notice. The cheats nowadays have to be much more thought-out and subtle. Take Cheat # 1, its brilliant. There is relatively no way you can get caught, because it is such a common error that happens at every type of tournament. Cheats like those are what I like to classify as Subtle Cheats.
Subtle Cheats
Subtle Cheats often disguise themselves in common game play errors that judges deal with on a very regular basis. Subtle Cheats should never be attempted until you have a full understanding of the cheat and how it works, along with all of the repercussions if you get caught. These are the hardest type of cheat to pull off, since you have to be a good actor and well practiced to perform them, although they aren’t the most risky. Which brings me to:
Common Cheats
These are the cheats everyone knows about. And I love it when my opponent thinks they are so smart when they are counting my cards to see if I drew an extra card, or picked up a card from my graveyard… buffoons! These are the kind of cheats an expert cheater should always avoid, since they will get you into the most trouble. These are the cheats that have been done so often that your opponent is almost waiting for you to do them, so he can shoot his hand up to call judge. These cheats include stacking, looking at extra cards, drawing extra cards, adding cards to you sealed pool, basically the generic uncreative cheats that were used much more often back in the day. Which takes us to the best of the cheats:
Elaborate Cheats
These are the granddaddy of all cheats. The kind of cheats that make you want to punch a pregnant woman when you find out it happened to you. These cheats take several turns to perform while you’re setting your opponent up. Unfortunately, I feel compelled to withhold these kind of cheats, as they are the ones I use most often. They are untraceable and nearly impossible to pick up on unless you are looking for them at the exact right time, which leads me to the final kind of cheat:
Stupid Cheats
This is more of a “Do Not Attempt” cheat list. Some of the more popular ones are adding cards to your draft deck and lying to the judges. Both of those should never be done, since you are basically setting yourself up to be caught. It’s one thing to add cards to your sealed deck after game 1 (which is a practice I strongly suggest if you ever want to do well in a sealed event), but to add cards to your draft deck is completely insane. Only a madman would ever attempt this, because in most cases the cards are stamped with a stamp that can’t be duplicated. The other is lying to a judge. This is tricky more than stupid, since you will often have to lie to a judge if he approaches you. Let me clarify. You should never lie to a judge in front of your opponent. That is just stupid, since you will dig yourself deeper into your web of lies. Judges aren’t stupid. They aren’t the brightest people around, but they definitely get a vibe when someone is doing something shady, especially the level 3+ judges.
Cheat #2 is a classic, its called Slow Rolling. This cheat is very common in today’s Magical society, and is classified as a common subtle cheat. Slow Rolling is nothing new – it’s been around since the heydays of the great Mike Long, a personal hero of mine, but it has also been one of the most obvious cheats out there. I’ve taken it to another level entirely. It seems like everyone only Slow Rolls during game 2 after they just took game 1, following a very long tedious game. This is completely wrong, and is a good way to get flagged by the judges. Another common mistake when Slow Rolling is doing it during YOUR turn. If you’re going to try and drag the game out, it is best to do it during your opponent’s turns. That way, you can always have a buffer zone of denial.
I know what your thinking… how can I Slow Roll if it’s not my turn?
The true beauty about Slow Rolling is that you can do it whenever your have priority. Randomly stopping your opponent in his attack phase or second main phase is the best time, because it then causes him to think about what cards you have, making the game last even longer. I wouldn’t do it during his end step, since that is too obvious and a good way to get caught. The key is knowing when to Slow Roll and when to play it cool. Generally you almost always know when you are winning a game, and when you are behind, or when you are one or two cards away from losing the game.
You are playing a standard control deck and have the board stabilized, but you are at a low life total playing against a Red deck with an array of burn spells.
This would seem like a horrible spot to Slow Roll… however, it is almost ideal, especially if the game has been fairly long up until this point. Let’s examine a few possibilities. You take up an extra few minutes to slow the game down. There are several benefits to this, most notably the psychological effect it has on your opponent. He is playing a very aggressive deck, which most of the time translates to his own attitude. Taking longer will most likely lead him to be impatient, craving to see what that next card is… this is where you have him. Once you can identify that he is impatient, you can slow down even more, which will more often than not lead him to make mistakes, be it in this game or the next. You’d really be surprised the level of players on which this trick can work.
This situation also has its drawbacks. What if you lose? Then you Slow Rolled for no reason, and actually hurt your chances of wining the matches. The truth is that in this case the positives out-weigh the negatives. Plus you can always just play faster if you are stressed on time, at which point you should call a judge over to watch your opponent for slow play. The goal here is to control the game in all aspects. After all, you’re a control player… isn’t it only natural to control the pace of the game as well as whatever interactions that happen between the cards? Here’s another situation:
It’s the control on control match. It’s game 1 and it has been going on for nearly twenty minutes. You are a big favorite in this game; your opponent isn’t dead yet, but given what you have in your hand it is almost certain. He is low on cards in hand, impatient, and is a very good player.
I’m sure everyone knows to Slow Roll here… the problem is that the opponent is suspecting it. Which brings up the question:
How can I cheat if my opponent is looking for it?
Simple… call a judge! This will throw your opponent off completely! When the judge approaches the table, get up and walk to the side with him. Ask him some questions that you already know the answer to; a question still difficult enough not to arouse suspicion, but still questionable enough so that you can debate the answer with him. A good one would be various Teferi interactions, asking him questions about whether or not you can Mystical Teachings for a creature if Teferi is in play or the obvious suspend/Teferi interaction. Make sure you opponent can’t hear you so you have to be sure to turn your back to him while talking to the judge. This takes a great deal of acting, both to the judge and the opponent, and for it to work you have to talk with the judge long enough to get extra time awarded. Once you have extra time awarded, your opponent’s defenses will be down. Again, you should still try to continue slow playing during your opponent’s turn, but it’s almost irrelevant at this point. You have extra time, which serves as a sort-of security blanket to re-assure your opponent that there is enough time to finish the match, when you already know you’ve won the match altogether.
Slow Rolling is unique in the fact that it is one of the few cheats you must use proactively, rather than reactively. This goes against some of the basic rules of cheating which is what makes the cheat so special. Generally, you should never cheat for no reason, as the risk factor goes dramatically up and your expected value of the cheat goes down. This cheat is different because you HAVE to use it proactively, since you can’t really justify using it reactively. If your opponent is playing slowly, are you really going to want to play slower? No, absolutely not. Whenever two slow players meet, one should always take the initiative to play faster, to increase the pace of the game. This usually throws off the slow player to a small degree, unless it’s a dedicated slow player, in which case your probably going to go to extra turns regardless of the pace you play at.
Another subject that I’d like to touch on is the DCI policy that game states should not be reversed. When I first read about it, I did a little “self high five.” It is possibly the greatest addition to a cheater’s arsenal since palming cards hit the game, back in 96′. Now not only can you mess things up and not have them reversed, but your opponent also gets a warning for it, since he is equally responsible that you don’t cheat! While cheating, this is one of the things you should always keep in mind, and enables many subtle cheats, like playing extra lands, or casting Naturalize with only Blue and Black mana.
Cheat #3 is one that can only be performed on Magic Online, and is truly a stupid cheat, but is still quite effective. It’s called The Trade Hack, and is best performed while in the final rounds of a tournament to maximize the gain from this cheat. Basically, all you are going to do is right-click on your opponent’s name and click on the trade button, then close the trade immediately. When this happens, a prompt will come up on your opponent’s screen saying you canceled the trade. The beautiful thing about this is that he must click on the check mark before he can pass priority, so you keep opening and closing a trade until his timer goes down to zero, giving you the win since he timed out.
This takes a lot of endurance to keep the hack going for a long period of time. I’ve seen some continue doing it for upwards of twenty minutes, which is just insane considering how tiring it is to perform. however, if performed correctly there is nothing they can do to stop it. Many people will log off and log back on to try and throw you off, so you will need to stay on top of when they are logging back on.
The best way to perform this is to have another account logged on at the same time… that way you aren’t actually doing this on the account you are playing in the tournament with. This is a cheat that is fairly well known, but is still very challenging to perform perfectly. One of the ways you can trim down on the time between opening a trade and closing a trade is to open a chat window with the person you want to lock down, then moving the chat box near to where the close trade button is. This will make the distance between opening far shorter and you can make the repetions in a much faster manner.
Sadly, this doesn’t work on everybody, since there is a preference option that enables them to not accept trades from anyone. Few enough people have that option turned on, so the odds of you running into one of them is pretty slim. This cheat will get the account you used it on banned, so be sure to use the free 9.99 gift certificate before you perform this on a new account, then trade whatever you bought with it.
Cheat #4 is one of my favorite cheats. Although I personally have never attempted it, I’ve actually witnessed it being done on several occasions, including U.S. Nationals. Stealing Prison Letters should only be used during desperate times when you have no other outs. It is also fairly situational, however when used it will give you an automatic game win if performed successfully. This is a Subtle Cheat at heart. However, the risk factor involved also makes it a Stupid Cheat and should only be done under the most dire of situations.
Basically, you steal a card from your opponent and put it in your shoe. This is very hard to accomplish, since you need both quick reflexes and the ability to deny whatever happened, in case things go wrong. The reason it is called Stealing Prison Letters is because the first time this cheat it was attempted with the card Cagemail, an enchantment that an opponent placed on the cheater’s creature. After the creature died, the cheater distracted his opponent while he pushed the Cagemail into his left sock, so no one would notice. Then, after the game progressed, he suddenly seemed alarmed, and after counting the opponent’s deck, the cheater naturally discovered only 39 cards! The cheater then informed the judge, who gave the opponent a match loss for having too few cards.
The crucial part of this cheat, like most others, is distracting the opponent. There are a variety of ways to do this, whether it be something simple like “Wow, look over there,” or something a bit complicated like having a friend help you out with it by bumping the person’s chair fairly hard to get him to turn around. There is also the issue that the people playing around you could see your shady dealings, so make sure not to perform this cheat when either of your neighbors is sideboarding and has time to focus on what is going on in your game.
The inherent problem with this cheat is that it is so easy to mess up. If you fiddle with you sock too long, or do a bad job at distracting your opponent you will be banned for a couple of years from sanctioned play. In general I would never attempt this unless I was paired against a very bad sloppy opponent who offends me.
Okay, so I lied. I’m going to share with you my favorite cheat, Cheat #5 , I call it Shuffle Shenanigans. It is classified as an Elaborate Cheat, so you’d better open your ears for this one. This was a cheat I invented while playing the combo deck involving Heartbeat of Spring from a year ago. It used all of Kamigawa blocks all stars: Sakura-Tribe Elder, Sensei’s Divining Top, Gifts Ungiven, and Kodama’s Reach. This might have been the best deck ever to cheat with, since there are so many cards that put the deck in your hands. Once you have the deck in your hands, you can do literally whatever you want.
I identify this cheat as elaborate because it takes a long time to set up properly. Usually it wouldn’t even work until late game 2 or game 3 due to the amount of work you have to put into setting it up. Generally after every shuffle effect I would offer the deck to my opponent, who would then shuffle it and I will cut it back into place of where my library usually sits. Everything is normal. It also helps to talk with your opponent; that way he feels comfortable with you, a trait that you will abuse later on. After several Tribe Elders and Kodama’s Reaches, the opponent will usually become fatigued of all this shuffling and merely cut the deck. When this happens, you’ve won… in which case, whenever you search your library for a card, also look for the best card you can draw at the time and conveniently put it on top. When he cuts, you will just cut back to the spot where your ideal card is. This takes a bit of practice, but comes much more naturally once you get the hang of it and practiced the motions.
The real problem with this cheat is that they don’t always break down to the “just cut” mode. In which case they will need a little incentive. Usually they will fold after you tell them that time is an issue and ask them to speed up the pace of the game, but the more difficult opponents are harder to crack. The one technique that always works is taking a long amount of time to shuffle your library after a shuffle effect. This will lead even the most tedious of cutters to do a simple cut in fear that they will run out of time. Playing on your opponent’s emotions is the key here. If you notice they are anxious and nervous, shuffle even slower! This will probably infuriate them and cause them to play sloppily, which gives you even more opportunities to cheat! This cheat is also very effective in the current Extended, where the fetchlands and combo decks dominate the format. Another sneaky way to get your opponent to not cut your deck entirely is to ask him how many cards are in his hand the instance you set your deck down. He will fumble around with his hand counting the cards and forget about cutting the deck entirely, just don’t present it! It also helps to say “go” after doing this, that way he will be preoccupied with his own turn.
The Cheat Index
Cheat #1 – The Timely Pass – Pass the turn to get information on your opponent’s card, then, once he’s seen it, respond with: “Whoa, I didn’t say go!”
Cheat #2 – Slow Rolling – While in a wining position, take more time than needed to make decisions to lower the chances of finishing the next game, therefore wining the match.
Cheat #3 – The Trade Hack – While on Magic Online, open a trade with your opponent, then close it immediately, then open another trade. This will lock him down and he will be unable to pass priority and time out eventually, giving you the win.
Cheat #4 – Stealing Prison Letters – Hide an opponent’s card and call a judge.
Cheat #5 – Shuffle Shenanigans – When searching your library, simply put the card that would be best for you on top, and cut to it after your opponent cuts your library, or don’t present it at all and just place it where you deck normally sits.
The truth is that a professional cheater has a toolbox of cheats with which he can use, many of them so complicated that judges are completely unable to trace them unless witnessing the act first hand, and these are only a small fraction of the elaborate cheats out there today.
Before I go, I’d also like to briefly touch on a totally different type of cheat.
Pregame Cheats
Theses kind of cheats are both premeditated and proactive, as well as very common . This type of cheat includes all the different variations of stacking, which hopefully I’ll talk more about later. One of the most common occurs in your standard 24/36 deck(24 lands/36 spells). Basically, you stack all 24 lands on top of your library before you pile shuffle, then divide it evenly into piles of six, giving you an even combination of – land spell land spell spell – once fully distributed. There are so many variations to this type of cheat that I could easily write an entire article on the different stacking variants, as well as ways to stack your opponent’s deck while shuffling.
Other kinds of Pregame Cheats include scouting and peeking, both of which can be invaluable to a dedicated cheater since it provides you with so much information and a direction to focus on in the early stages of the game.
In conclusion, if you are a competitive player, this article has helped you tremendously. Not only do you have a formula for success, but you can also catch the scumbag opponents who would do this sort of thing to you. Just remember, these cheats are for personal use only, and not to be duplicated and sold for personal gain.
Thanks for reading, and have fun winning more games!
Sanchez
Top 5 Picks
1) Left Coast Envy by The Starting Line
2) The Zephyr Song by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
3) Beep by The Pussy Cast Dolls
4) The Taste of Ink by The Used
5) I See Who You Are (Mark Bell Mix) by Bjork
Q: What is the animal that you will never want to play against in a sanctioned match of Magic: The Gathering?
A: A Cheetah.
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DISCLAIMER #2
I don’t cheat. This article was merely written from that perspective to draw the reader in.