PART 1: STANGG’S FOR THE MEMORY
It is with great sadness that I announce the recent agonising demise of Stangg, bass player with the ever-popular treefolk-rock combo Hickory Woodlot. Apparently, he was tuning his favourite smouldering guitar when a fuse of will burnt out, sending mana volts through him. I’d like to note that doctors said death was instantaneous, but they didn’t because it wasn’t – it was a grizzly bear, Mike Long, and celestial drawn-out termination.
Stangg was renowned for his humorous army antics, jests, and japes both on- and off-stage, often culminating in police action, court appearances, and custodial sentences – who can forget when he threw a TV off of a twelfth floor balcony, or the legendary ‘hammerhead shark’ episode? Or the countless orggies and parties? Pernicious deeds, indeed! Of course, the backlash will already have begun, as have the chokes in bad taste, e.g., his next single will be the double A side: ‘I’d Like To Teach The World To Singe’/’Love Shock,’ etc
However, all of this detracts from Stangg’s achievements with the Woodies and then, later, as a globally-successful solo artiste (note the ‘e’). Few entertainers are fortunate enough to have two careers; one as part of a super-group, and the other as a balloon peddlar of half-arsed, middle-of-the-road, insipid, dull, formulaic, bore-rock and lilting refrains.*
In accordance with the wishes of his widow, Stangg’s lifeless corpse will be compressed to the size of an AAA battery and fired into orbit by a secret Iraqi super-gun. As a tribute of my own, here are some of his career highlights. Go ahead! Revisit some of these seminal works, or we’ll be around with the cricket bats.
With Hickory Woodlot:
“Finkel For The Music”,”Part Waterloo”, and”Corpse-Dancing Queen” (from”Arrivalry”; Foil Arena Island Records, 1978)
“Thrive My Garr”,”Across The Mirror Universe”,”All You Need Is Scorching Lava” (from Necrevolver, Instant [formerly Immediate] Records, 1968)
“When A Manakin Loves A Wombat”,”The Dakkon Of The Viashino Bey”,”I Heard It On The Grapeshot Catapult” (Moatown Records, 1972)
“Scarborough Fires”,”The Poxer”,”Homeward Rebound”, and”Breach Over Troubled Healer” (from”The Aura Of Silence”; Draft First Epic Records, 1975)
Solo Work:
“Little Wing Snare” (from”Nothing Like The Sunweb”)
“If You Love Someone (Intentionally Draw)” (from”The Dream of Blue Beebles”)
“Every Breath You Make”/”Dee-Dee Dee Cee, Cee-Eye Eye Eye”
“An Englishman In P.T. New York”
Collaborations:
“Fires” (with The Crazy Enchant World Of Mono Brown) (single release only)
“Bye Bye Baby (The Grand Prix Song)” (with The eBay City Rollers)
“The Best Things In Life Have An A.C.C.” (with Janet Jackson)
“Black Manta Ray” (with China Crosis)
“Ebony And Ivory Treefolk (Live Together In Tranquil Harmony, Folk)” (with Stevie Wall-Of-Wonder)
“Make It Like A Memory Jar / Shivan Wurman In Love / Juilty” (written for Barbara Streiscave)
PART 2: MORE CHEAP MAGIC
I should not, of course, have to remind you adorable sweethearts that not everyone who enjoys this ‘cornucopia of coloured casino-board’ is financially able to support a regular in-flux of product – relying, as they do, upon a mix of annual visits from St Nicholas, hand-outs from affluent pals, and bare-arsed larceny. Never let it be said that I am uncharitable – tight-fisted and stubborn, maybe, but surely not uncharitable – why, some of my best friends are poor, incontinent, alcohol-swigging, scabby-skinned, social outcasts…
…and some of them AREN’T Magic players.**
Any which way you can, here are some less-expensive versions of popular cards:
Inconvenient Judgement
Myopic Seer
Traveller’s Scarf and Gloves
Urza’s Tetchiness / Urza’s Temporary Outburst
Rinse Out
Peckish Rats
Breath Mint of Darigaaz
Whip Nylon
Forty Winker’s Robe
Safety Razorfoot Griffin
Just-enough-to-constitute-a-Quorum Trench Gnomes
Nickel Bolas
Shivan Worm
Ice Compartment
Lookalikes
Second-from-last Caress / Second-from-last Stand
Zombie Feather Boa
Nibble Strength
Tentative Charge
Squee’s Air Kiss
Tetrapod
Cave of Koilos
PART 3. SHAKING MORE WHITE COCONUTS
Ha-HA! At last! Without Ferrett noticing, I’ve managed to sneak in some obscene, triple-X rated Magic: The Gathering puns! Here they are – and they are positively filthy!
Hanna, Ship’s [Edited]
Scent of [Edited]
Wall Of [Edited] [Edited]
In The [Edited] Of Chaos
[Edited] Potion
Eater Of The [Edited]
Teferi’s [Edited] Box
The [Edited] Stands Alone
[Edited] [Edited] Me, [Edited] The DCI!
Once More With [Edited]
[Edited] In A Bottle
[Edited] From Below
[Edited] For An [Edited]
Initiates Of The Ebon [Edited]
Merfolk Of The Pearl [Edited]
No [Edited] For The Wicked
[Edited], [Edited], [Edited]!
‘Old Man’ Of The Sea
Two-Headed [Edited] Of Foriys
Pretty lewd, huh? So, until the Dolphin of Time ends up in the Tuna Canning Factory of Destiny,
Ciao, babies!
Tony Boydell
* – E.g. Phil Collins
** – Ho-bloody-ho.