The first in an occasional series examining classic Magical movie moments from the last 100 years of cinema. Cinemagic’ is brought to you by Sisay and Hiebert and the familiar stench of MANA DRAINO! "It leans you out like you never been cleaned out before!*"
You know, all of the great studios (MGM Amine, Plainswalker Brothers, Energy RKO, etc) have dabbled, at one time vault or another turn after this one, with the format of the musical. Who can forget, without frontal lobe surgery, such timeless classics as "Soldevi Diggers Of 1936" or "Singein’ In The Stone Rain"? "West Side Story Circle" or Oliviera?
So come with me now as I flick peanuts from the balcony of Nostalgia, rattle my jewellery in the bygone stalls, and fall headlong into the Orchestra pit of Yesteryear with an appraisal of some my favourite Magical Musicals:
Roger Hiebert,
Tolarian Academy Of Volrath’s Motion Sensor Picture Arts
MY FIRES LADDY
1965 WB Studios
starring Audrey Redburn, Rhox Harrison, Stanley Hollowwarriorway, and Force Of Willfred Hyde-White-Weenie
Adapted from Shivan George Burnout Shaw’s stage play ‘Triskelion,’ ‘My Fires Laddy’ is the heart-warming, ragman-to-riches story of Zvi Unpronouncablename, a common barrow-boy from the rough side of the Icatian Town with an accent so thick you could throw it into pots. Zvi is taken under the tutelage of Professor Richard Garfield, a games fanatic and speech expert, who spots him outside a 24-hour Dungeons and Dragons emporium. As a result of a wager with his esteemed friend Colonel Flickering, the Professor undertakers to pass him off as a Professional Magic Player at the World Championships. With its sumptuous expansion set design, costumes, sparkling dialogue, and (of course) those timeless songs of the damned, ‘My Fires Laddy’ surely ranks (and ratings) as one of the greatest Magical musicals ever made.
Song Highlights:
Wall Of Woodn’t It Be Planar Overlay
With A Little Bit Of Luck (The Mize Song)
Ghitu Me To The Kaervek’s Torch On Time (I’m Getting Maro-ed In The Mourning)
I Could’ve Corpse Danced All Night
The Rayne In Spain
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THE SOUND OF MAGIC
1966 Strength Of Unity Artists
starring Christopher Plowunder and Julie Intentional-Andraws
Maroa is a flighty nun forever running through the fields waving her hands around and bursting into song. The Abbey Matron sends her off up the Alps to look after the children of the widower, Colonel Von Pit-Trapp. After much tweeness and sugar-sweet sentimentality, she falls in love with the Colonel and they sing songs about goat-herds.
Song Highlights:
Spider-climb Every Mountain
Doh-Ray-Mize
Black Edelweiss
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OKKLAHOMA!
1957 Columbilicus
starring Howard Electric Eel
Something about farmers and farmsteads, probably. Lots of corn. Fields and fields of corn. A yokelite, barn-dancing, hog-lovin’ extravaganza.
Song Highlights:
The Serra With The Singe On Top
O! What A Beautiful Mourning
Hydroblast Your Beautiful Hide
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THE GOBLIN KING AND I
starring Yul Brynner and Deborah Karakas
Hannah, an English schoolteacher, takes a job as nanny cum tutor** to a veritable army of Siamese children – that is Siamese as in ‘from Siam,’ and not as in ‘all joined at the hip or summat.’ During her attempts to quell the inevitable student riots (without a tank in sight), she falls in love with the unhirsute King himself – a never-more-desperate-and-lamentable Yul Brynner. Enormous quantities of petticoats prevent any pre-marital nonsense. Interesting fact: the original, controversial, ending was cut, as it involved a decapitated Deborah Karakas re-defining the phrase ‘giving good head.’
Song Highlights:
None – it’s actually worse than you remember.
—-
CABARET
starring Mize Minelli, Joel Grey-Ogre, and Michael York
Sally Dustbowles works at a cabaret bar. It’s about war. It’s about love. It’s about time we looked at the next entry.
Song Highlights:
Mundungu Makes The World Go Round
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OLIVIERA
starring some people you’ve never heard of because the royalties to Lionel Bartel Runeaxe bled the budget dry before they even captured a second on film.
Oliviera Mindtwist is an orphan who dares to ask for five extra turns at his local Type 2 tournament. The Head Judge immediately throws him out onto the street, where he is adopted by the psychotically-criminal-but-kindly Artful Didgeridoo. After an afternoon of playful pick-pocketting and abuse of old people, Oliviera is taken to the Artful Didgeridoo’s home – populated by other orphaned boys and run by the villainous Fogin. Adapted from Charles Dakkons’ famous novel, the choreography and songs make this a sumptuous treat for all the family***
Song Highlights:
Food Chain, Glorious Food Chain
Genconsider Yourself
Pikula Pocket Or Two
Gloom Pah-Pah
—-
Finally, before I go, here are the answers to my QUIZZIK quiz!
1. On reflection, Industrial Action? MIRROR STRIKE
2. What Jesus gets on his birthday DIVINE PRESENCE
3. Yes! I am a metal star – ta! (Anagram of) ATALYA, SAMITE MASTER
4. Was that a bang?, an explosion?… AURA BLAST
5. It’s a pie-eating contest! GOBLIN GAME
6. What you find at the end of Urza’s cigarette URZAS FILTER
7. Ole grass-garden (Anagram of) LESSER GARGADON
8. Keeping fit without the Queen is removal EXCISE (Exercise without E.R)
9. Tour around (Anagram of) ROUT
10. With reference to the lentil REPULSE
11. A better oil (Anagram of) OBLITERATE
12. Re: Orim – calm or morose? (Anagram of) MOLIMO, MARO-SORCERER
13. Heating metal? O! (Anagram of) MAGETA THE LION
14. Who speaks about Wetland? FEN STALKER
15. It’s no march (Anagram of) ORIM’S CHANT
16. Gosh! Making a mess with the joins GLITTERING LYNX (Gee Littering Links)
17. Whisky loom SPIRIT WEAVER
18. For live PROBE (Pro=For Be=Live)
19. Another toilet’s not working! BOG DOWN
20. Chasms by the colloquial pound GULF SQUID (Gulfs Quid)
21. Alpine drag (Anagram of) DARING LEAP
22. It’s in Germany somewhere SINGE (itS-IN-GErmany)
23. Dodo ire? (Anagram of) DO OR DIE
24. Sounds like a dawn greeting MOURNING
25. Anxious moment? PANIC ATTACK
26. Beating it? Oi! (Anagram of) BOG INITIATE
27. Large heads (Anagram of) GEAS HERALD
28. Layers of rock, Professor? STRATADON
29. Flex the ball, say. Sweep up the leaves! BEND OR BREAK (Bend Orb Rake)
30. Sang all over the place (Anagram of) SNAG
31. In Gary’s arse! (Anagram of) SEARING RAYS
32. Ogre coat (Anagram of) ROOT CAGE
33. It’s not under yours, its… UNDERMINE
34. Endless fur in a British Gallery TERMINATE (Ermin in Tate)
35. A mole? Golly! (Anagram of) ALLOY GOLEM
36. Washington’s short cry WASH OUT (Wa Shout)
37. A ‘noir’ mental mire (Anagram of) TERMINAL MORAINE
38. Re-work date (Anagram of) TOWER DRAKE
39. Pot shot? (Anagram of) OPT
40. Faster! (Anagram of) STRAFE
The winner of the foil stuff is: PATRICK TUCKER, who has the dubious pleasure of being a) the player with the highest score, and b) the ONLY entrant to the competition! Why do I bother, eh?****
Now sod off, you’re making me look like an idiot.
God Bless,
* – Advisory note: Mana Draino is for internal use only. It is highly corrosive and emits pungent, toxic fumes if left in open sunlight. In fact, don’t do ANYTHING with it at all. Lock it away along with that mutant brother of yours – you know, the one chained up in the cellar with the single eye, four thumbs, and a single foot growing out of his abdomen? Yeah – we know all about him…
** Nooooo! Don’t you DARE! Stoppit!
*** Unless you’re an orphan, in which case you won’t have a family to watch it with. I’m sorry – I feel really bad about it all now.
**** Rhetorical