A Review Of My Accelerated Black

Rizzo gets ahead of the arrogant and acne-ridden and reviews his own article before it can be reviewed elsewhere! Look out, kiddies! Using needlessly harsh language means everyone knows you’re TOUGH!

(As usual, comments are in parenthesis.)

Two things: (Yeah…”Your” and”Mom.”)

1) Alan Comer is nutz. (And so is your mom)

2) Flesh Reaver is not very good against creatures. (Wow, it’s Gary Wise being obvious all over again!)

Another thing: (Your Dad?)

At FNM, on Friday, coincidentally (whoa, I’m busting a gut at how funny that was!), I busted open my starter (they should call any starter you get a”remedial”) deck to find Chance Encounter as the top-most rare. It laughed at me (no, that was your mom laughing at you). As I slid it aside, hoping for a rare that would be slightly more playable (perhaps Mudhole?), I was stumped when I revealed a second Chance Encounter. (Oooh! One for your mom and your dad!)

The guy next to me had two Catalyst Stone in his starter deck. (Your mom sure gets around, doesn’t she?)

Did someone just say”virtual booster?” (No, that was your mom asking for someone to roll her over)

Now I know my boy (we know what that means, don’t we?) The Orgg, from the CPA, but probably not an accountant, loves Chance Encounter, so much so that he traded (who the hell is this guy, Deranged Dad? Or maybe Daniel Crane? No one cares about your stupid trade, well, maybe your mom does) me a foil Island and foil Rith’s Charm for four Encounters, but two of them? In the same sealed deck? (Errata: Rizzo’s Mom is now banned from all FNM!)

It’s enough to make me wanna stomp a mudhole in yo ass. (expletive deleted)

Heh. Mudhole. For as long as I live, I doubt very much that I will ever tire of saying”Mudhole.” (And we won’t ever tire of your mom!)

Mudhole: it’s a hole that contains mud. How’s that relate to lands in the graveyard again? (How’s this article relate to the fact that you suck at Magic again?)

I drafted a deck with only three Aven Windreader and three Repels, but only two Ghastly Demises and only one Roar of the Wurm, for I am the king of spreading the love and am some kind of Tom Joad and whatnot. One of my opponents laughed when I cast Peek. (No, he laughed at you because you suck) The very next turn, he discarded a Mystic Penitent to counter a spell with Rites of Refusal. (Why would he even bother to counter any spell you played? You suck so bad that you could cast Obliterate and let it be Diverted back to you… And your mom)

Interesting. (Not really, just like all of your previous articles) But I seem to remember Eugreen Harvey casting Peek way back when. (When what? When you sucked a little less at Magic?) And he wasn’t embarrassed, (but you should be, and so should your mom) which is good enough for me. While I very much wanna be like Mike, I also wanna be like Eugreen – know what I mean? (do you mean that you suck, cause yeah, we know that already) Not only am I a rapper, but if you take the time to butter me up, (and if you take the time to butter up Rizzo’s mom, well, you know how it goes) I just might step back behind the wheels of steel and stomp a mudhole in yo ass. (What’s this fascination with asses? Oh, it’s because you’re gay. Sorry, I mean”your gay.”)

It got me to thinking that Peek is superior to Rites of Refusal in every way, which is odd, (yeah, odd that you were thinking… Unless you were thinking of your mom again) especially since Dan Clegg and I seemed to be the only guys on the planet that thought Rites was any good at all. Sorry, Dan, I gotta go with Eugreen on this one. (And we gotta go vomit now with all this”I used to play at CMU” name dropping crap.)

Crypt Keeper had someone set him up the bomb, while Filthy Cur, well… Didn’t. (That gag was old six months ago, dumbass.)

Oh yeah; Extended. (Yeah, you know the format that you suck the most at?)

Well, after the fun times had by all (when your mom held that private”help me pay my rent while I’m horizontal” kegger) at the last PTQ with Accelerated Black, I received much tech from readers, random (anyone that would read your stuff is much worse than just”random”) or otherwise. The most important of which was, next to”give it up and play a Net Deck” was Snow-Covered Swamps. (No, just give up… But leave your mom, we’ll bring her home early.)

I walked into Crossroads (What a wussy name for a store) and asked Brendan, (your lover, perhaps?) the head head-guy (yeah, now it’s becoming clear) in chizarge , if he had any Snow-Covered Swamps. Now, I had a bushel full of those bad boys (So, you like the”bad boys,” huh?) last year, but I needed them to construct The Universal Net Deck. Also, as a”reward” (yeah, we have an idea of what your idea of a”reward” constitutes) to David Zadok Stoud, creator of said UND, I sent the deck, Snow-Covered Swamps and all, off to his abode (humble, I assume, just like your mom), which left me Snow-Covered Swamp-less.

Brenden looked at me and said”Tainted Pact.” (He really meant,”You suck at Magic and life and should just kill yourself.”)

Damn, he stole my tech that someone sent to me for no reason whatsoever. (They sent it to your mom – but as usual, she was on your computer downloading porn)

That is thinking outside of the freakin’ box. Snowy Swamps do not have the same”name” as a plain ol’ Swamp. (Gary Wise obvious alert!) Tech has been broken, bent, and otherwise mutilated beyond repair. (Just like the DCI rating of anyone that ever reads the crap you write)

Mudhole. (Your momhole.)

Another slice o’ technology was Sarcomancy, mostly because of its ability to create two permanents from one card, (more Gary Wise obviousness – heh, maybe you could write for CCGPrime!) with the added bonus of being able to smash (your mom’s) face.”Useful” would be a good word to describe (Your mom and her ability to withstand enormous amounts of pain, as evidenced by the fact that she watched you grow up to be such a piece of crap) such a card in a deck that sported both Braids and Smokestack. (Didn’t you go like 2-4-1 with that crappy deck? Wow, you really suck.)

While I had been tinkering with many other decks, such as”Tribe Face,” the turn two kill thingy that out buddy Darren (Booya! Darren rulez! Josh Claytor sucks! Kentucky sucks! Star City sucks! Your mom sucks! Daniel Crane sucks! CCGPrime sucks!) has deemed unworthy of even mentioning in the same sentence as”Extended,” green-black Junk, and a nutty-ass concoction that Carl Jarrell (He probably sucks, since he writes for Star City, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt…. For now) sent me that is really either broken or just plain stupid (hey, just like your mom – stupid and broken…oops, I mean”blown out”), I couldn’t let go of mono black, Accelerated, or other. (And we couldn’t let go of your mom – we swear!)

Let me say again that Flesh Reaver is not very good against creatures. (Calling Gary Wise, everyone’s favorite purveyor of the obvious, who is about to fall off the gravy train…. Hip, hip Hooray!) Really, it’s not very damned good when a body is in the way. (And your mom isn’t very good against my creature, but we keep her around because she’s fun to tease.)

Basically, ’twas a week of utter weirdness, (You should’ve seen the weird stuff your mom did!) which led to me still wanting to play black but not having any idea of how to make it, well… Not suck. (We have the same problem with your mom) Thusly, you can be sure that next week’s tourney report will (suck, just like all of your articles) be interesting to say the least. Heh, maybe I can even manage to go 50/50. (not unless you let your mom play for you)

Apologies for such a short article (Thank God!), but with getting all the”pre-moving in” stuff things arranged, trying to at least make an attempt to spend a little”quality” time with the wife (Don’t worry about the wife, we spend enough”quality” time with her!) and kids (ugly freaks I bet, just like you and your mom) and bouncing around like a freakin’ nut collector, life’s been a little hectic. (And your mom still won’t leave us alone, no matter how much we beat her.)

John Friggin’ Rizzo (loser fag with a mom who’s a scumbag)