Part 1 of this 107 page monster can be found here.
Table of Stuff, the Second
7. Johnny Sentimental Love Machine
8. edt may be incorrect no capital letters
9. Jamie C. Wrongfield, Twicefield
6. It’s Not Dredge 4? Really?
September 26
Lincoln, Maine, in a non-smoking room in a crappy hotel that offers wi-fi for only ten bucks a day. Oh, and I worked out in the rain all day, the Sox got rained out, which makes sense since I can only watch them when I’m on the road, plus I don’t really even care for them since the DH is crap and I’m a Maddux fan for life even though he ought to retire before he starts to embarrass himself. What else…?
Oh, yeah: Life From the Loam is dredge 3, not dredge 4 like it says in Apprentice. Did I mention I worked out in the f***ing rain?
“Life from the Loam is disgusting. Nauseating. Worse than that. Do you really understand how ungodly superbly awesomely goodly thisly cardly isly?”
-Me, upwards
Pardon my shameless gushing – this was when I thought it was dredge 4. Being dredge 3 makes Loamz noticeably less ungodly superbly awesomely goodly. You probably like it better as three, since you don’t want to put Ichies and Analysis and udder stuff in the bin, all you care about is getting back those three lands after you play Epicenter.
Heh, Epicenter.
It’s the new Armageddon!
Yeah, that’s precisely what it is.
Three freakin’ cards? Dude, it’s only one less card, what’s the difference? Well, the difference is one card, you little piece of ass candy you. Now I have to consider putting Golgari Thug back in, even though I was never really happy with his secondary and mostly-irrelevant-in-this-deck ability.
Angry.
At Apprentice patch makers.
Who offer a cool prog.
For free.
And regular updates.
For free.
And yet.
For free.
Angry.
At them.
Heart them.
For free.
Still.
I’ll just blame the spoiler getter-makers. They got-made it rong.
Hold that thought, I’m going outside of my room, to sit under the lovely lanai and have a smoke like the social pariah and festering assneck leper scumsucking second-class citizen that I am.
Q. What does The Girl Ain’t Right do against a turn 2 Akroma?
A. The same thing every other deck does.
While the Girl’s Freakin’ Rong as hell, it feels like it will lose horribly. No It Wont Because I Am A Rogue And Rouge And Will Learn Every Nuance Of The Deck And Know It So Well That I Must Win!
What the hell is the point? Why spend an entire day playing with my graveyard just to go 4-3, 3-4, 2-5 or worse? I don’t freakin know!
And yet, I still wonder if Glimpse the Unthinkable it worth another shot (apologies for not mentioning it before = my tech is secret!). Yes, ten in the bin, no, can’t get it back when it spills into the ever-growing yard. Loam is only dredge 3? Friggin’ Wizards.
Cards: $25.00
Entrance fee: $22.00
Misc stuff: $20.00
Don’t even think about Overgrown Tomb at !!!TWENNYBUX!!!, I’ll use Llanowar Wastes, thx.
How the hell can you afford to play competitive Magic? Imagine for a moment that my deck didn’t suck, and was filled with actual good cards – expensive cards. See earlier discussion: how the hell do you do it?
That’s just one more reason to fall in love with Chris Romeo (and his infinite cheapness and desire to save your poverty stricken asses) all over again. Please send him mail making nutty jabs at his name, re: Romeo and Juliet or Alfa Romeo. Bet he’s never heard one of them.
But no “wax the ‘stache” remarks.
Please.
He hates them.
I bet.
Cute note:
Abs, almost six years old – and cuter than a button – once thought Mogg Fanatic was called “Gigantic Frog.” Well, I think it’s cute because I’m a bad father.
Sligh Deck Wins 2002
4 Jackal Pup
4 Gigantic Frog…
What the hell is Cephalid Breakfast?
frigginrizzo: <-checks Extended deck database
Okay, so you target your guys and I don’t get it.
Depressing.
How much I don’t know.
About Magic.
And life.
How much I never knew.
About Magic.
And life.
I probably never will.
Know.
Much.
Jeez.
But neither will you.
Yet, this doesn’t depress you.
Why not!
And yet:
There is hope.
Always.
Because:
Ichorid, love, keeps coming back and back and back and back and back. Even if he’s not nearly enough, he keeps coming back.
I just figured it out.
Right now.
Today.
After years.
I am Ichorid, love.
He’s not very good.
But he shows up.
Knowing he doesn’t have enough gas in the tank.
Ba-dar ba-dar!
He keeps trying.
Charging into battle.
Thrusting himself onto his dagger.
Smashing into 1/1s.
And dying to them.
Only to do it next turn.
And the turn after that.
Every time I think I “get it.”
I get that I don’t.
Not even close.
Ichorid, love, is a loser.
But he keeps trying.
Admirable, actually.
But at the end of the day.
Or end of turn.
It’s all over.
Again.
Until.
Next turn.
Lots of pages.
Lots of words.
Half of which suck.
Half of which don’t.
But which is which?
And does it matter?
Onward, Ichorid, love.
Ba-dar ba-dar!
Another lots of pages.
Another lots of words.
But I can’t stop writing.
Or removing useless dead 1/1s.
To bring back Ichorid, love.
Because of four events.
Weird things.
Odd things.
Why did they happen?
It doesn’t matter.
Because.
Even if they didn’t happen.
Something else would have.
And I’d be right here.
Much like:
Why did that 1/1 die?
Who cares?
Ba-dar ba-dar.
I’m either brilliant.
Or a total f***in’ ass.
I’m either smacking you for a hasty three.
Or dying to your D’Elder.
But you get a land.
And I get to go back to the yard.
Until.
Next turn.
I’m so f***ed up.
Even I can’t believe how much.
Seriously.
A problem child.
But I’m 36.
What do I want to be when I grow up?
A 3/1 with haste.
That dies.
Over and over.
No matter what happens.
Dead.
Until.
Next turn.
When I’ll remove Mesmeric Fiend.
And do three damage to something.
Then I’m going back to the bin.
Where I belong.
Until.
Next turn.
Ahem.
phyrexianrager: <-best three-drop ever, thx dredge!
Q. Do you still lose a life if you don’t “draw” the card?
A. Ask the judge.
You probably do, but whatever, he’s the B3DE! You understood that secret code!
BT4B!
2414L!
B3DE!
To this day, I wonder if anyone other than me has used Ichorid, love, in a DCI-sanctioned tourney. Even after I gushed how I won two Type Two tourneys in a row with his freaky ass gettin’ his freak on. Ask the same question about Crypt KEEPER, prolly get a ditto.
Type ‘TOG! a hundred times right here to indicate my severe love.
I think ‘Tog can put the moves on The Girl Who Ain’t Right. Not to say that he wasn’t already stupid, but acting as Putrid Imp numbers five thru eight, black d00d/Ichy fodder and Super Moat Guy can’t hurt too much. She likes.
Am I glad Overgrown Tomb and Watery Grave are only !!!TWENNYBUX!!!. Sure wouldn’t want the option to make pain free mana. I’m sure I’d drop it into play untapped, pay the two life, then find nothing to spend it on anyway. Bright side: I not only saved !!!TWENNYBUX!!! times four, but I no longer start games at 18 life for no reason.
Life/Death Fattie Du Jour on turn 2 could present a problem.
But they lose seven life in doing so.
But they gain it back when Nishoba dishes.
But they can’t block everything.
But they don’t have to.
But will peeps even play that deck without Exhume and Reanimate (although, damn if Stitch Together isn’t about a ridiculous reanimation spell)? They probably will. Jerkies.
I counter Ichorid, love. Laff At You For That!
I Shock Him. Laff Out Loud At You For That!
I steal Him. Laffin My Floor Ass Rolling My Off!
I block him with a four-toughness or pro: black or regenerator or just take three and beat you with real creatures.
Oh snap.
Blinding Flash Of The Obvious Alert:
Actually, I have nothing to insert here, it’s just been so long since anything was so blatantly obvious as to require a blinding flash. Oh, twist my arm impatient bastards:
Trade Routes/Life From the Loam gives land destruction mages fits!
Garage smoke break alert:
I turned on the radio and caught in mid-interview: Eric from Crossroad Games as an in-studio guest on WCYY. He was talking about Magic. On the radio.
It’s everywhere.
Ichorid, love?
Help me.
Page for-ty one. Paul Harvey, good day.
I apologize if perhaps I underestimated Golgari Thug’s ability. While there is very little reason to put Ichorid, love, or a 1/1 dork on top of my library, there are a few good reasons when ‘TOG! is the one getting a second lease on life. However.
After about turn 3, if things are going as they should, there is really no reason to ever draw a real card again. Occasionally, late-game wise: turns six or seven or so, dredge 6 is not a realistic option. Not because decking is a concern (tho’ it is), but more so that everything a brother needs is precisely where it ought to be.
A full complement of Ichies and plenty of dead bodies on which to feast, a Roar and Analysis, plenty of land and more Grave-Trolls and Imps than you can eat, are all in the bin awaiting further exploitation. So why would you want to dredge more? Well, you wouldn’t.
So you draw a real card like a real boy. Lookee here: ‘TOG!, which at this point is ordinarily academic, since there is much death on the board playin’ Inigo-like with the “prepare to die” speech.
Now that I am fully hearting The GFR, I must resist the urge to take a potentially good (or just neato) deck and Rizzo It Up. Ergo:
Rites of Spring
Gravestorm
Grave Pact
Gravedigger
Or anything else that starts with “Grave”
Aether Burst
Cute little cantrips
Pernicious Deed maindeck
Curiosity! Wowzer! So broken in here!
Chatter of the Squirrel
Upheaval HEHE HEHELOLO LOROFL LMAO HEH
More dredge guys
More dredge spells
Less land
Et cetera
Etcetera
Uh oh! What if someone comes up with a deck like this, posts it all over the world weeks before I do, then takes all the credit? Then you read my article and think I’m lying! That I wrote all this in a day and made up fake dates to pull a fast one! Oh no!
Or maybe the deck sucks.
And no one writes about it.
And here I am bragging the f***er up.
Then I go 2-5 with it.
Nevertheless, the fact remains that I exist in a Magic vacuum. My only source of anything usually only happens when I’m on the road, since dial up is the neck of the ass, and everything I receive is ninety days old. I still don’t how Wakefield did at Regionals. Or read how Zvi said “later, dawgs.” Or what the hell Flores means by “Operations Management!”
Perhaps I should play a little Apprentice. After all, I’ll be– But One Of Those Bastards Is Going To Steal My Deck!
frigginrizzo: <-needs to be right. About something. Ever. Please?
Yep, I do want my opponents to go “Dude, WTF!” as they scoop up all their pretty cards and reach for sideboards that don’t have Coffin Purge or KEEPER, but may have Mnemonic Nexus but I highly to the nth power doubt it.
My vainglorious desire to make peeps go “um, dude” is only overridden by my biting desire to actually hear “you’re such a scrub” as the net deckers sign the match slip in the column marked “big fat loser.”
Cornell: Man, our debut album rocked.
Morello: Yeah, yeah. I want more solos.
Cornell: But you’re an unselfish commie pinko leftist lover of all.
Morello: The world will know I am guitar god guy, not just FX nerd!
Cornell: You said “god.” That violates my civil rights.
And that may be why they went from awesome, despite leaning so far to the left they made Al Sharpton look like Newt Gingrich, to total crap.
Jack: Maybe try “kick, snare, kick kick, snare” this time.
Meg: It’s “kick, snare, kick, snare” forever!
Jack: It’s not like I’m asking you to roll over.
Meg: Growl@you!
And that may be why they got divorced.
Someone do me a favor:
Punch Billie Joe Armstrong in the teeth.
As hard as you can.
Many times in a row.
Thank you.
Q. Question?
A. Answer.
Fun goldfish serendipity thing:
I went first.
Kept a no-land hand.
Drew a card on turn two.
It wasn’t a land.
Never drew another card.
And did 21 damage.
By turn five.
During my turn six upkeep…
I had four Ichies in the yard.
With plenty of food.
And Trolls to keep them fat and happy.
Won’t happen very often.
But it happened once.
Twice, actually.
But I’m only telling you about one.
Because I’m a prick.
I thought Golgari Brownscale was fair-to-middling-to-just-about-ass until I tried him. Then I thought, “damn, this fellow needs no improvement.” Although making him black, with dredge 5 wouldn’t hurt too much. He’s a license to print pain lands, that one is.
Loamz is still goody, but would be goodier if it was dredge 4. B3DE is too, but for a number of reasons you don’t care about, ixnae on the 3DEBae.
//NAME: The Girl Ain’t Right (The GFR!)
4 Putrid Imp
4 Zombie Infestation
4 Mesmeric Fiend
4 Deep Analysis
4 Golgari Thug
2 Life from the Loam
4 Stinkweed Imp
4 Psychatog
1 Golgari Brownscale
4 Ichorid, love
3 Roar of the Wurm
4 Golgari Grave-Troll
4 Swamp
4 Yavimaya Coast
4 Darkwater Catacombs
2 Archaeological Dig
2 City of Brass
2 Cabal Pit
There. Lots of four-ofs, none of this 1 Gloomdrifter garbage that I thought was so tech. Tell you a secret: wasn’t.
Sometimes I try to use logic; sometimes it works; this may or may not be one of those times; considering that I just today started writing the Ravnica Imitation Prerelease that takes place at Crossroads this weekend; I’d say I done good for being so utterly disjointed; and abusing the ever-loving piss out of semicolons.
Q. Whatever happened to Crypt KEEPER?
A. I sacced him to remove an opposing KEEPER and Poof! All gone.
My wife’s pet name (mine too, I guess) for “The Biggest Loser” is “The Fattest People.” This I discovered last year when I walked by the TV and saw a whole bunch of fatties huddled around a scale.
Obviously, this caught my attention, since I work in the weights and measurement industry and have since damn near birth. Funny, but I don’t think I ever mentioned that before. Well, now y’all got something on me.
Me: What are you watching?
Wife: The fattest people.
Just like Mikey McD when he saw Chan: I sat down. But the novelty quickly wore off, much like anything that could possibly be shown on television.
Tonight on NBC: Your dream girls in a sensual lesbian spandex fight!
Cool. Until the first commercial.
Still, I’m wondering who calibrates that scale. And how often? To Handbook 44 standards? Or ISO 9001, which may or may not be plus or minus two-tenths of one percent, or, if you like to play with “loose” tolerances – it’s easier to make it tighter, not so if you try to relax the standards!- up to fourth-tenths for maintenance tolerances.
As much I’d like to get jiggy with random strain gauge technology on your asses, and as much as you’d absolutely love to hear it, I came here to talk about Magic. And why I suck so much at it. Maybe, if you’re really really good, I’ll come back to it later.
Golgari Brownscale’s no Spike Feeder!
One of these days I’ll actually cast him, which will be the same exact day that anyone has ever cast him.
golgaribrownscale: <-dredge for life!
BT4B!
2414L!
B3DE!
GBS: <-D4L!
You’re catching on.
Alter Reality could change Akroma’s pro: black to pro: not black, then I could block it with Stinky and kill it! Only need to have Stinky in play – turn 3, actually, turn 4, since I need to have mana available for Reality, and Reality has to be in hand or the yard and if they went first I took six, six, six, trample through for four = dead anyway! Woohoo!
In a tough situation – like that would ever come up in Magic – I could look at my opponent, scarcely out of diapers, and come wit’ it, old school style:
Me: You want me to block, don’t you?
Pamper Boy: <- tries not to, but gives everything away.
Me: I was playin’ Hold ‘Em ‘fore yer folks even met!
You: Okay. So?
Me: Well…so nuthin’.
frigginrizzo: <-curmudgeon.
This article is 529kb, which was just about the size of your typical “free sample” MPEG, circa 2001. Nowadays, nothing less than 1mb is gettin’ it done, ’cause the net heard our en masse (okay, mostly just my own) clarion call: “WE WANT MORE!” loud and clear, and responded with such vim that the next step is to have the models come to your house and act it in your living room.
And don’t they act well? If my wife ever made those sounds, and so badly at that, I’d file for divorce (after I was assured by said sounds that I ruled at sex). Of course, I wouldn’t have a problem muttering such awesome dialog as:
“You owe me rent, you young teen girl who sleeps in my oddly unfurnished basement for no discernable reason. You’re broke? Well, maybe we can work something out. Heh heh.”
7. Johnny Sentimental Love Machine
October 9
The Sunday night after the imitation prerelease, and I’m still catching my breath. A couple things I forgot to mention in the report:
Pop to the Jackal to the Jackal to the Pop was in a draft, cold kickin’ ass with sick cards against an opponent with R/W, which we all know better win by turn 6 or have Earthquake Man or Sunhome Life Gain Machine or Fatty Angel in reserve.
We’re chatting amicably about his nearly-bit-off tongue, his opponent is chatting amicably with one of his boyz, and all is happy is Pleasantville because Toby shaved on a regular basis back then.
Looked kinda bad for Pop, though he had a massive hand of love, then dude screwed up and he let Pop back into the game. Of course Poptart emerged victorious, and when he offered his hand and a “good game,” the d00d shook his head “no thanks” and walked away.
Tips for playing tournament Magic, even 8k drafts:
If you lose, don’t be a p*ssy.
Suck it up and move on to the next of a million more games.
Shake your f***ing opponent’s hand.
Shake your f***ing opponent’s hand.
Seriously, shake f***ing hands.
Brenden’s wifey (Kris or Chris or perhaps even Kriss) was rushing around trying to collect the entire set of Magic Super Stars In Action inserts. After more trouble than I would have thought, she was down to one empty spot in her binder.
Chris: The missing nerd, he did very well a few years back…
Me: Um, Finkel?
Finkel is the hardest to get because he’s short printed: a chase card randomly inserted in every five hundred packs. Still, awesome idea. Make the Pro Tour regs into stars, and the drama and story will follow.
By the way, I got Olivier Ruel, and no, he’s not for trade!
Seriously, Eubroken got his own insert. That takes me back to the first time I sat down across from Ub0rk to test a little T2. He blows up one of my lands, and nearly asked permission to do so. I remember looking at him and thinking:
“You f***in’ random! Do you know WHO I AM!”
Or something to that effect but I probably exaggerate for humor.
I fawn over the good old days, way back then, when Eugene V. Glissando was new and innocent and had yet to make a Top 8 at anything. Now he has his own insert. After he wins the Invitational, we’ll all be happy to play with this:
Broken Innocent Child Warrior
1ub
Sorcery
Destroy target land, but do it kind of shyly.
“Aww, they’re so cute at that age.”
Blinding Flash Of The Obvious Alert:
Stampeding Serow
2GG
4/4
cr33ch – fatty
At the beginning of your upkeep, pop back a dood that has a highly desirable
comes-into-play ability.
He’s no Stampeding Wildebeests! Wait, yes-Er, Mages! Fits!
I’m pretty sure that if I see Hunted Anything in a draft, I’m taking his ass. I’ll likely trade it to Timothy for a set of jewelry. “No, Timmy, those cards aren’t legal anymore and no one really uses them. Lemme show you this really super rare guy…!”
I recall mailing Pete a while back threatening to fly to Virginia and lick him all over in a bad way if he ever made the site premium. But I’m older now, wiser too, just like J. Gary. And so much more of a right-wing wacko who wants to keep down the poor, women, gays, blacks and most especially poor gay black women = premium is The American Way, plain and simple.
frigginrizzo: <-rizzoh8r.
I live large when I’m on the road = someone else is footing the bill= free market economy = I’mma eat me some pizza and stop thinking about Magic for a half hour for the first time in about three solid months.
Dear ESPN2,
Please fire Stephen A. Smith.
Love,
Wow Is He Bad, Seriously
Steelers on tv tonight, might watch. Might read all of Whateverfield’s articles, and finally find out how he did at Regionals.
I have a printed-out email I sent to Tickatsoverdotnetfield way back in 1999. This was probably the first week I was ever online, which only happened because the Duelist decided to cease publication and go virtual.
I’d put some of it here, but it’s kinda fan-boyish and thanks for making us older guys not feel like freaks and that’s a cool deck you wrote about and other stuff that doesn’t really matter to anyone other than me.
Underneath that is an email from The F where he informed me I won a weekly writing contest and where should he send my brand spankin’ new box of Mercadian Masques and a handscrawled packing list thanks from Pete that doesn’t mean much to anyone but me.
This is old school, and I still have it. It’s kinda gay, kinda not, but it means something. Much like every signed card I have from peeps you might have heard of but hardly care and who borrowed my stuff for PTQs; much like the tons and tons of signed and donated foils Nathan Peter Heiss collected and paid $10.75 to send to me.
All the nutty events way up there pushed me in a direction, and pushed hard as hell, but the biggest push to keep at it came from my junior egg. I found all that stuff when I was looking for big fatties at Berto’s request.
When Shante and I were gunning PT1 decks (Necro4L!), Berto joined us for a game. I think he used Mark Justice’s deck, coulda been Hammer’s… But he won. With very little help, only a few card clarifications, such as: yes, Ernie + ‘Geddon + Zuran Orb works.
And he had that look in his eyes. You know that look, you used to have it, me too. Now the result of me givin’ the wifey the high hard one and goin’ native had that look. Every day after that it was “Pops, I’mma school you!” and “frigginrizzo Sr. sucks at Magic!”
It’s the innocence of Magic all over again.
Maybe that explains something, maybe it doesn’t, and maybe it shouldn’t. But much like those useless twenty pages of working on a nearly dead deck in a soon-to-be-dying format, some things have to be said. For whatever reason.
A couple words from Jamie C. Mutualfield:
“A lot of my passion for writing comes from having a passion for this game. As quoted from one of my favorite articles of all time and by one of my Top 3 writers of all time…”
Know what it’s like to get props from your power animal? If you don’t, let it happen.
“If I’m not excited about the game, I can’t write.”
I know the feeling. But so much freaked up stuff happened in the last three-plus months I can’t believe it’s a coincidence, nor can I explain it. Probably shouldn’t have tried either. Okay then.
Is it just me, or is every article like, real good? Good grammar, proper sentences and punctuation, and they’re even about something. In addition, each article also discusses something I am completely clueless about.
Teddy’s sphere of editorial influence gives me pause about ending a sentence with “about.” It just seems wrong, somehow, about.
Why does no one see the utter brokenness of Grave-Troll. Six in the bin – am I the only one that realizes this is retarded? Ie:
Grave-Troll could give you instant threshold or yawn nap time.
Grave-Troll is a creature with dredge blah blah a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’.
No.
No.
No.
The guy is nuts.
Realize it.
Understand it.
My deck will go 0-7 with a no-show victory-bye in round eight.
Then I’ll look awfully dumb.
But don’t take it out on Troll.
Dear Zvi,
There may be a few lightbenders at NASA able to both understand your articles and apply them in real life, but the rest of us got no f***in’ chance.
Love,
Johnny Unable To Think That Deeply, Ever
8. edt may be incorrect no capital letters
October 13
Just sent TheO the Seven Ways To Rule article, and was cruising the net looking for technology. I clicked onto Brainburst and saw this, in re:
how often you should mulligan a 23/17 sealed deck one-land-hand if the rest of the hand is perfect – if you can just peel a land off the top:
“However, there’s an easy and practical way to get a handle on how often you should mulligan. That method is to look at the top of your deck after each mulligan, and keep track of how often you mulligan correctly and incorrectly.”
-edt
http://magic.tcgplayer.com/db/article_classroom.asp?ID=869
Wrong. So very very very very very wrong. How wrong? Very. Excuse me, you’re frigginrizzo, he’s edt. The edt, not the other one. Yep.
I tried like hell to find edt’s email addy: tried [email protected], but no. Hopefully, he can chime in to set me straight, as opposed to setting me gay, and we can all engage in a free-spirited debate, which I rather enjoy. Especially when I’m right and he’s wrong.
So wrong I want to type “wrong” about a million times. I want to create a website called edtiswrongaboutthis.gov. So very purely incorrect.
7 cards in hand.
1 of which is land.
6 of which are not land.
33 cards left in deck.
16 of which are land.
17 of which are not land.
= less than fifty-fifty to draw land.
If you miss land on the first draw, you go to:
32 cards left in deck.
16 of which are land.
16 of which are not land.
= fifty-fifty.
This is amusing, but it’s academic when the question is: does looking at the top card of your library after you mulligan teach you anything?
Nope.
No matter what you do, if you open six spells and one land, you’re a touch less than fifty-fifty to rip a land. No need to “keep track” of your results because it’s not going to teach you dick, except that this is how many times I would have guessed right and got the almost-fifty-fifty correct. Gee, I bet, at the end of the day, or many days, the answer will be: I was right…
About half the time.
In the short run, you may have “guessed right” ninety or seventy or ten percent of the time. The ninety and seventy are liable to piss you right the f*** off: I would’ve peeled land and wrecked you!
The ten will prove that you are indeed smart and good at Magic: I didn’t keep this one land hand because it’s too risky. If I guess wrong, and I stay wrong for more than a turn or two, I’m dead.
Dear edt,
It’s fifty-fifty. For life.
Love,
50/504L!
No amount of anything ever is going to change the fact that you’ll either draw one of your 16 remaining lands or one of your 17 remaining spells. No matter how you slice it, it’s still 16 good cards, 17 bad cards: 16 ways to succeed, 17 ways to help yourself lose.
Still.
Forever.
Ever.
Sorry.
Miss Jackson?
Forever ever?
Forever ever?
e to the danger further states:
“It is a simple way to decide, over the long run, if you have been playing the percentages correctly.”
The “percentages” are fifty-fifty – how do you play those correctly? Long run, short run, I run, we all freakin’ run: it doesn’t matter. You can do just as well by letting a blind, deaf and dumb ass monkey decide for you. The monkey will be right as often as you: about half the time.
I realize that my take, compared to edt’s, may smell funny, and also that he wrote this article back in 2002. If he’s since changed his mind and seen his wrongness, kudos. If not, kudos anyway, for I am nothing if not someone who hands out accolades even when edt is slightly less correct than he’d prefer to be. Dot com.
But he’s wrong.
Here, you tech-hungry bastards, you finally get your nine f***ing cents worth:
When you have a one-land hand in a 23/17 deck, it’s less than fifty-fifty the next card is a land = there is no logical reason to look at the top card after you mulligan. It will never teach you anything except how to second-guess yourself and it will never, ever, ever matter one single bit.
I’ve long been an advocate for not looking at the top card after you mulligan, and now I have mathematical proof that I’m right! Go me!
Now to prove that IDs cause cancer in laboratory animals.
And net decks are a sexually transmitted disease.
And that in some cultures, six inches is considered enormous.
I am complete synergy, finally:
//NAME: The Girl Ain’t Right (The GFR!)
4 Putrid Imp
2 Darkblast
3 Cabal Therapy
4 Mesmeric Fiend
4 Golgari Thug
4 Zombie Infestation
4 Deep Analysis
1 Life from the Loam
4 Stinkweed Imp
4 Psychatog
4 Ichorid, love
4 Golgari Grave-Troll
8 Swamp
4 Underground River
4 Yavimaya Coast
1 Forest
1 Island
How good is (anagram alert!) Thy Rape when it gets flashed back after Ichy does his hasty three? But poor, sad singleton Life From the Loam. Too bad it wasn’t dredge 4. Thus, it can sit in the middle of my deck and think about what it did wrong, namely being only as dredge worthy as Darkblast, which, all things considered is actually quite worthy.
Adding Thy Rape has made Thug nearly good: he often gets sacced and pops Fiend back on top. This is very neat for me. I lopped off about 40 pages of this article so far. This is very neat for you.
That’s one thing I learned in the last three years: lop off the fat. Cut, cut and cut again, and when you’re all done, cut more. While I may never be accused of succinctness, please know it could always be worse. You’ll have to trust me that it was.
Front Desk: How may I help you, tough guy?
Me: Growl.
Front Desk: Yes, sir, our wireless is down, it’ll be up in the morning.
Me: F***in’ swear words and Sakura Tribe-Elder!
Front Desk: GG loser!
As Mssr. Gump might say:
Sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks.
But f33r not, nerds, for I went an entire day without taking my deck to the Rizzo It Up clinic. When you can beat Affinity (the Darth_Unkel version from magic-league.com that uses Shrapnel Blast and Night’s Whisper and Deep Ninja and draws almost as many cards as I do) half the time, you tend to leave that dog lie. At least for a day.
So, that’s the gauntlet:
Darth’s Affinity and…
Killah’s Scepter Chant
Speaking of Chant… Without even goldfishing that bastard, it looks like a rather sickening deck. The mere fact that it can Chant, Fire/Ice or Lightning Helix every single turn seems rather absurd.
Q. What does your girl do against any of the above?
A. Loses rather badly, without even testing it.
Q. Why not at least test it a little?
A. Okay, thanks.
I just won five games in a row, rather convincingly. If that doesn’t prove I have no clue how to play Scepter Chant, then it must mean that’s a crappy deck. Right?
The GFR deck has so much synergy that it can just run out from nowhere. The thing is: when it does click on all cylinders, is that even close to being enough? Every card works so well with the others in pursuit of the common goal, but what is that goal, besides winning with a lil’ je ne sais quoi?
I will see first, and then you will, but only after Teddy Rocky Horror edits the results to garner maximum sympathy.
“If you worry about Ivory Mask, go strap some rubber bands around your ankles so the ants can’t climb up your pants leg and eat your candy ass.”
-Shante McKeown
How jealous am I right now?
Speaking of jealous, it only took me about an hour of google and reading rulez stuff like crazy to discover that Pithing Needle doesn’t concern Ichorid, love, in the least.
Props: Ichorid, love, for not having a colon.
Slops: Men for needing an ass camera to check for polyps or mice or something.
Props: Doctors who dim the lights to get you to “try and relax.”
Slops: Me for not needing an exam until I’m 40.
Embarrassing Sexual Moment Number One may or may not involve becoming aroused when the doc introduces me to ass camera technology. I just hope he puts me on the web!
www.examsgonewrong.com
9. Jamie C. Wrongfield, Twicefield
October 23
“[Golgari Grave-Troll] will start to be awesome after your opponent has killed him two or three times already… Utter crap.”
-Jamie C. Bitterfield
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. If you need me to assure you that Green is gonna be jus’ fine and rock you gently while I stroke your hair and sing a sexy lullaby, let me know.
Golgari Grave-Troll will start to be awesome immediately after he enters the bin, and not necessarily from being killed. From there, he gets and becomes the nuts. Then again, you’re kinda right, he’s not so good. But wait, yes he is.
Counter him, burn him, chump him, anything short of remove him from the game, and when your opponent is done exhausting precious resources to keep him away, he comes back again. But even bigger. And more pissed off.
But this is pretty much what you meant.
People will waste cards on him: targeted removal; global resets; counters; bounce; creatures, what have you. This is long-term-and-delayed-yet-somehow-immediate-quasi-card-advantage at its most pure, because you can get him back many turns in a row, and each time you do, he becomes more fearsome than before.
But this is pretty much what you meant.
Wrath of God = annoying, but not the end of the game. Ditto for O-Stone, Deed and whatever board resets you care to mention but he regenerates, dawg. Troll practically guarantees you get the fattest creature after the board gets wiped.
Dear Opponent,
I can draw a fatty every turn for the rest of this game, for I have nearly inexhaustible resources. Et tu?
Love,
Nearly Inexhaustible Resource Boy
Grave-Troll is basically an option-generating, self-pumping creature who does both at your whim, and will keep at it until you tell him “that’s enough options and counters, go break teeth.”
Dear Jamie C. Leftfield,
In what world can this possibly be utter crap?
Love,
Johnny C. Rightfield
Speaking of Jamie C. Suddenlyenlightenedfield, I got a bone to pick with that bastard, re: his book. People enjoy a likeable protagonist with a clear goal who struggles against opposition and comes out on top. This is called “a happy ending.”
Jamie C. Likeableprotagonistfield’s goal was to win a PT or at least do real darn freakin’ good I don’t remember ’cause Turian stole it. None of the goals were realized, as I recall.
A struggle in which the protagonist obtains something other than the goal (has an epiphany or realizes personal growth or has a random penis enlargement operation) is fine and dandy, but for sheer edge-of-your-seat, stand-up-and-cheer drama, meeting the goal is the only thing.
See all of the “Rocky” films except V as prime examples.
So, Jamie C. Penisenlargementoperationfield, when you write another book, win in the end, pls/thx. We’ll still cheer and live vicariously along the way, but just win in the end! Imagine how satisfied we vicarious boys would be.
One of my favorite down time dealios used to be watching movies. But I find I can’t watch them (newer ones) anymore without wanting to throw up, or at least pull a Susie and stop the insanity. This is probably how Flores feels when he looks at any decklist he didn’t come up with.
Take Good Will Hunting, a film you all saw numerous times but I saw even more. What’s it about? Well, there’s this smart kid who gets into trouble, and there’s this math guru who sets him up with a burnout community college teacher… Actually, it’s not really about anything.
Who is the protagonist? Er, probably Will, movie’s named after him…
Okay, what’s his goal? Um, to, well… Er, stay out of jail? I guess?
What are the stakes? Something, but not really sure what.
Who is the opposition? Lambeau and Sean, sorta, not much though, since we don’t know what his goal is. But they yell at him a little, sorta.
Good Will Hunting is a most excellent something, but it’s not a movie. Contrast it with Rounders, which I know y’all saw a billion times.
Who’s the protagonist? Mikey McD.
What’s his goal? To save Worm (and himself) from Grandma (and Teddy).
What are the stakes? Life or death.
Who is the opposition? Teddy, Grandma, Jo, law school, and even Worm, who seems dead-set on making it impossible for Mike to succeed.
That’s a freakin’ movie. This is why we can watch Rounders over and over and over and still like it. He gets beat up by cops for petessake! + happy@ending!
Although, John Malkovich playing a Russian mobster is about as frightening as John Malkovich playing a Russian mobster – “your fate” is what: I’ll toss Oreos at you and scratch you with my beard hair?
Nevertheless, the good guy realizes his goal after overcoming huge barriers and obstacles. Got it, Jamie C. Melancholyendingfield? Next time, win. If you can’t win, then lie or at least get laid to give us a happy ending!
I kinda got a little bit sidetracked a little barely hardly even noticed a bit. And somehow Flores got all up in here as well. Oy vey, or “oi vei” to all you hosers.
100,000 shuffles of The GFR on Magic Workstation netted the following:
<Deleted because nobody gives a sh**. Cut cut cut.>
I’ll have enough land in my opening draw 77% of my games. Less than 5% of the time I’ll have an auto mulligan due to zero lands; 18% will be up for grabs due to having one land. Of course, I could just look at the top card of my deck:
7 cards in hand.
6 of which are not land.
1 of which is land.
53 cards left in deck.
36 of which are not land.
17 of which are land.
= more than 2-1 against a brother.
Hey, this isn’t as good as edt’s example – I BLAME BUSH! Thusly, one time in five I’ll get a one land hand, then peel immediate land one-third of those times. Wow, that suxxors axxors mages fits! But no matter what I do, I promise not to look.
Hey! How come I’ve never seen a serious, full-fledged mathematical take on all things Magical? Weird that this game is thirteen-odd years old, and no one has yet written “THE TOME!” If I’m wrong, point me in the right direction. But please don’t, re: dial up.
You probably couldn’t do an all-encompassing take because of one silly little dealio: The game changes all the time. Still, give us a mathematical formula for dredge. Or free spells. Or echo, cycling, cumulative upkeep, Necropotence, Mox Diamond, Counter-Post, Rancor’d Jaguars, Academy and Mind Over Matter.
Is dredge card advantage? Take Stinkweed Imp: if he hit the bin from play, or even was countered, he traded with something = 1 for 1.
But you can get him back.
But he replaces a “real” card drawing instance.
But he’ll get to trade with something again.
But as long as you keep dredging him, the most you get it card equity.
If you Shock him, then he trades with one of your creatures, then you Firebolt him to death, am I not up a theoretical three cards?
No, since you essentially skipped drawing three cards.
No I kinda didn’t.
Yeah, you exactly did.
The jerkoff used three different cards to kill Imp three times!
He traded one of his cards for one of your cards, three times.
Maybe it’s not true card advantage, but it sure feels advantageous.
All I want is for someone to prove that dredge is some kind of advantage, card or otherwise, so I can feel smart about my crappy deck.
Dear Wizards,
You build our decks, now show us the math.
As always, we remain,
Craving Unified Numerical Theory, Hurry And Issue Results
Acronym that.
Then Lol so much.
Lol more.
But seriously.
Lol again.
Okay, no more picking on Jamie C. Pretentiousmiddleinitialfield. Or edtcummings.
“The true path to happiness lies in marrying a woman who games, and not having any kids.”
-Jamie C. Elysianfield
frigginrizzo: <-didn’t and did.
That explains everything, other than how in the hell Jamie C. Leftwingnutcasefield became a democrat. And why he still is. Ever.
Here I sit broken hearted
Tried to think of Magic peeps who might not be libs
But can’t get started
Oh well.
I’m all alone.
Me v. world.
As usual.
But I live in Maine.
It’s too far for you to travel.
To beat me up.
Plus it’s cold.
And people talk funny.
Speaking of talking funny, try not to throw up when you *listen* to “Bound For Glory” on ESPN. If after one episode, you don’t think Pittsburgh is home to the most aurally disgusting dialect on the freakin’ planet, then you’re on the wrong freakin’ planet.
Fess up time! Who told Bennie Smith that dredge is kewl? Answer me!
The professionals get to play this weekend. They can use any of the legal cards they chose. They will choose not to use Ichorid, love, and my secret-tech-either-8-0-or-1-7-deck will remain viable like a glob of human tissue stuck up in the fallopian tubes. Or uterus. Or something.
frigginrizzo: <-not too familiar with wimmins internal reproductive system.
Vulva.
Labia.
Clitoris.
Pubes.
Or freestyle.
Perineum.
It’s all good.
I’ve never been a fan of the pros being the ones who dictate the pre-season gauntlet, even though they play better, smell cleaner and can bring any woman to orgasm in less than thirty seconds. [Biggest lie Rizzo has ever told? You make the call. – Card Game] The upside is that they’ll show us the way, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a fan of crumb-tossin’. But thxguys for providing decklists and a blueprint: you wanna do good, figure out how to beat these or make them better.
//NAME: The Girl Ain’t Right (The GFR!)
4 Putrid Imp
3 Cabal Therapy
1 Darkblast
4 Mesmeric Fiend
4 Golgari Thug
4 Zombie Infestation
4 Deep Analysis
1 Life from the Loam
4 Stinkweed Imp
4 Psychatog
4 Ichorid, love
4 Golgari Grave-Troll
8 Swamp
4 Underground River
4 Yavimaya Coast
2 Island
1 Forest
One Darkblast out, one Island in. This is the first change in ten days. Since I didn’t Rizzo It Up, does this mean I am getting better or worse? Idea: cut cut cut the entire deck and play red mana. Or Domain.
Tomorrow: The incredible, death-defying finale.