Punch Limited In The Face For Me

Limited is teh suk.
Limited is ass.
I hate Limited.
Limited hates me.

Yeah, yeah, we know, we know. Never mind about those truisms, for Champs was in the house, and I had a hankerin’ to play Magic. Not Limited, mind you, but sometimes you take what you can get, which in this case, was a handful of suck followed by a suckful of ass. That’s Limited in a nutshell: suck and ass, and invented by guys who suck ass at Constructed. Just like me, but not as much.

Rather than take an hour typing up the pool that really doesn’t seem worth it, especially for my complete-lack-of-redeeming-social-value article, I’ll just sum up with the hard choice. Thus, you don’t get to think about how you would build this deck, rather, the question at hand becomes:

Is this:

Azorius Signet
Compulsive Research
Tattered Drake
Train of Thought
Vedalken Entrancer
Consult the Necrosages
Azorius First-Wing
Dimir Infiltrator
Lore Broker
Surveilling Sprite
Dimir Guildmage

Better than this:

Wildsize
Seeds of Strength
Silhana Ledgewalker
Recollect
Selesnya Evangel
Scatter the Seeds
Trophy Hunter
Scion of the Wild
Golgari Rotwurm
Seed Spark

I thought the Blue was the way to go, and was just about to ink it into eternity, when I did the ol’ “step back, kiss yourself, and see what you can see” move, which led me to believe that the Green was a little sexier. Whatever at my logic that seemed sound and still kinda does, this is what I played:

I don’t see a bad card in the list, and try as I may, I couldn’t feel too bad about this deck. After all, it had removal, tappers, token generation, and things that take advantage of that (in other words — synergy), and well, a whole lotta flyin’ goin’ on. It felt, well, four-and-two-ish, maybe even a little five-and-one if good fortune actually gave a sh** about me, despite the fact that I suck at Limited and Limited is obviously, absolutely, teh dead-nuts suck.

In my entire pool, there was one Signet, and as for bouncelands, well, I played every one I got. Nice touch with the Sunhome and a single bounce land as the only way to activate it, huh? Okay, Terrarion too. One whole time.

Berto’s deck looked fairly solid for a nine-year old who has never had to register or build an actual Sealed deck all by his lonesome. He played B/G/w and left Stinkweed Imp in the ‘board, and somehow ended up with 44 cards and 19 lands due to some oddball deck reg mixup, but I’d say the boy did fine. And then he went 0-4, drop.

A partial list of the cards that spent time in Berto’s binder during the day:

Foil Akroma, a dozen Rav block duals, Unlimited Birds, JSS Shard Phoenix, and the list goes on and on, and he’d probably rather trade and rip off old peeps than play, but everyone there – especially the hot chyx – were amazed at how sexy his father is in real life.

As a matter of fact, Chris (still Brenden’s wife, yo) was taking pics for the Crossroads site and got a decent pic of me and pupa. I asked her if she was going to cut out Berto and mount my pic above her bed. She suggested I ask Brenden.

Me: Are you going to mount my pic above your bed?
Brenden: (incredulous) Why would I do that?
Me: (equally incredulous) Why wouldn’t you?

Try as he might, he couldn’t come up with a convincing argument.

Anyway, six rounds of love with fifty-seven lovers makes for good times for the guys who are good at Limited. ‘Course, being good at Limited is like being the guy with four-and-a-half inches at the Tiny Pecker Club — you’re the man, kinda.

Round 1: Richard Bagley

Turn 3 Equenaut, turn 4 Lammasu equals gg, though it was some close, due to…

I’m at 10 and Richard taps out to cast main phase Tolsimir, which pumps up one of his three guys. If he alpha strikes, I’m at one, though I’m awfully suspicious.

Me: Gather Courage much?
Richard: I wish I had Gather Courage.

He attacks, convokes Tolsimir for Gather Courage, and his attack would have been fatal had I not been holding that Condemn.

frigginrizzo: ←so goddamned good at Magic it’s frightening.

In game 2, again I’m at 10 when Richard does stuff. He casts Gather Courage on an unblocked three-power-something, and then Wildsizes it and casts second main phase Seal of Fire to my grill, and why the hell not sac a guy to Golgari Rotwurm while I’m at it.

In game 3, Richard played turn 2 Mourning Thrull, turn 3 Moldervine Cloak omg that’s freakin’ hilarious eight-point life swing up yer ass, dawgs. Go me who keeps a hand with five lands, random dude, and Fetters?

However, I quickly stop drawing kill spells, or creature spells or any spells for the most part, which isn’t so good when you get right down to it. At least I didn’t end the game playing eleven lands and six spells. That would suck.

Richard is a good player who had a good deck who got to beat me (who is a bad player with a decent deck that decided to spit out cards that don’t kill stuff at the worst possible moment), though props to me for keeping an iffy hand just because it had Fetters.

I have convinced myself that it’s never my fault. Now I have to convince you.

Limited is someone’s mom, naked and spread-eagled, giving birth to someone else’s mom.

0-1

After the round, I heard the chorus of, “my opponent is so f***in’ bad!” and, “he got so f***in’ lucky!” I considered interrupting with my own bad beat story (not really), but realized (a long freakin’ time ago, yo) that it accomplishes nothing; the “sympathy” you seek is ordinarily returned with only cursory patronization, so there really is no point. It happens to everyone, no one cares, shut the f*** up and move on. Whining is so unbecoming, so dear all y’all, stop it please thank you absolutely very much.

But man, it does indeed suck when you have to hold in the frustration of feeling completely powerless — mulliganing and keeping a semi-fair hand that never materializes is a route we’ve all gone down, but to be unable to find a satisfactory outlet for the disappointment just up and riles my blood somethin’ fierce.

Constructed decks can be built to minimize land or color screw, and if your deck craps out on you in the sixty card format, that’s usually a testament to your lack of deckbuilding skills. Believe me when I say that, for six years of bad Constructed decks bears out my point, at least to me.

Perhaps the same is so in Limited, but I know for damned sure that when you’re forced to build a deck with tens of options instead of hundreds, the consistency factor may not be nil, but it’s a damn sight closer to zero than in Constructed.

So there.

Round 2: Reginald Mitchell

In game 1, I mulligan and die with six White cards in my hand, though I stayed alive as long as possible in order to see what was up this kid’s sleeves.

It’s times like these where I’ve seen people huff and puff and bitch and piss and moan about not drawing one of their nine White sources (I only have five, but the guys always lie about how many sources of mana x they have in their deck).

Instead of showing my opponent a fistful of White cards and giving him the opportunity to patronize me, I simply shuffled my deck and moved on. But damn if that don’t suck — misery loves company, though this kind of misery is best kept to yourself. But that’s just my opinion.

Apparently, his deck was Blue and Green and that’s it — Farseek and Civic Wayfinder only Farsought and Wayfound Blue or Green sources. Additionally, his removal consisted mainly of playing more guys than me. Gee, if I can, like, not mulligan and get stuck with a handful of uncastable stuff, I think I have a chance.

I didn’t get stuck with a handful of White cards in game 2; in fact, I actually cast some of them, most notably Faith’s Fetters on Trygon Predator, which must be some sort of ironic. Interestingly enough, Reg cast a turn 5 or so Coiling Oracle that turned up Flight of Fancy that he never played even though he had the mana. He must have known I had Seed Spark in hand. Damn, kid’s good.

His rationale was that the game was long over, and if you looked at the board, you’d probably agree: I had Lammasu and Equenaut, with a tapper tappin’ like it was some famous tap-dancer — quick, name one [Lionel Blair — Craig]. I guess he wanted to stay alive as long as possible to see what was up my sleeves. I was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt, so in actuality, all he had to do was look. Maybe next game.

I remember ending game 3 with Last Gasp, Seal of Doom, and Condemn in my hand, with the mana to play any or all if needed. I think that when you have that much gas in hand for a rainy day, it’s probably not raining. In fairness, Reg did draw, oh, about every single land in his deck, and I think he drew a couple of mine for spite.

Limited is being buried up to your neck in feces drinking coffee, when the boss says “coffee break’s over, get back on your knees!”

1-1

Round 3: Rob Foley

Did you mean to say “Former Maine State Champion Rob Foley?” Thought so.

I can’t remember games 1 and 2 for the life of me, other than Rob burned me out with Seal of Fire in the first, and I ran the freakin’ hell over him in the second. Looking at my scoresheet tells me nothing, other than a single note in game 2: “Bad Boy.”

I sacced Terrarion for something, and when I went to draw my card, two came up and I saw both. Ruh roh and Rob called a judge ‘cause he knows I’m a savage cheater.

Over saunters Brenden, anxious to give me a game loss, but after doing the research, he gives me a warning and I have to play with the second card (Strands of Undeath) revealed. Good thing Rob didn’t see the Last Gasp or maybe he did because maybe I had to show him but I don’t remember and why didn’t I get a game loss?

It’s funny, but Rob and I chatted throughout the day, and a number of times I commented on stuff he did in our match, to which he would reply, “no, I don’t even have a Cloak in my deck.” When you get that confused about who played what and why and when, you know you’re playing Limited.

In Constructed, it’s usually a matter of writing your opponent’s name and what he played, since no one goes Rogue anymore. From there, you can look at the scoresheet and pretty much deduce what happened. Not so in Limited. Take my life total in game 1:

18, 16, 15, 11, 15, 14, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 2, die.

Now we can guess that I played Faith’s Fetters, and from the look of it we can also go out on a limb and suggest that Rob may have had Pillory of the Sleepless on one of my guys. The thing is: I don’t remember him having White, so heh Limited is so ass and I’m so bad at notes. Look at his life from game 1:

M, 23, 22, 20, 15, 10, 8, 2, win.

Okay, that’s a mulligan, but how the hell did he gain three life? Helix would be about it, though I know he didn’t have it. Did he Gather Courage Mourning Thrull? The 20,15,10 part might be three swings with Lammasu that had to hold back for a turn, and then a Forecast Steeling Stance to get him to two, but maybe not omg I’m so confused.

I remember most of game 3:

CBeam onTcourier

I have out a pair of 2/2 flyers and Ostiary Thrull, while Rob has Transguild Courier with whatever the hell that equipment is that gives stuff +2/0 or +0/2 depending on so much stuff that I’ll just pick it up and read it if it becomes relevant, and is about to enter his “time to get a move on” phase, when he cast Cleansing Beam on his Courier.

Haahahahahahahahaahahaif***inhatelimitedlolololololololololol

Wrath my guys and yours not only lives but hits me for three, and next turn you equip that sumbitch much? Obviously, I should have seen that coming.

Limited is being drawn and quartered and having your stumps eaten out by carnivorous pincher beetles. Ah, the beetles, a sentimental favorite.

1-2

Round 4: Larry Latham

I mulligan and keep a fairly good hand that includes all three colors and three early creatures, so naturally, I feel fine and dandy. However, the game quickly got out of hand thanks to Larry accelerating like this is Constructed (swoon!), and completely filling the board with nutz.

About turn 8 or so, with me in the mid-teens and about to move from “stabilized” to “bustin’ a cap in your ass,” Larry sacced a creature at end of turn to Thoughtpicker Witch, looked at the top two cards of his library, decided Glimpse the Unthinkable was trouble, and put it into my graveyard.

Pause.

Procedural: Major, play with the top two cards revealed and you still get to Witch Rizzo’s library. Um, okay.

He calmly untapped and cast Supply for eight.

Math: Supply for eight, plus Thoughtpicker Witch, plus I have a goddamned Glimpse in my hand, equals are you sure a brother can’t get a game loss?

I mulligan game 2 and die with six White cards in my hand. I f***in’ hate Limited.

Again, the frustration started to build, but this time I wondered if perhaps I should have included a few more White sources. Suddenly, five White sources didn’t feel like enough, considering this is the second time I’ve died with a fistful of White.

I remember taking quite a few moments in debating the manabase. I started with six Plains and went from there, but really wanted Sunhome, and even though I had only one way to activate it, I’ve seen the sickness that is the combo of Double Strike plus a creature.

If I had it to do again, maybe I’d drop the Sunhome and add a Plains. Actually, if I had it to do over, I’d probably cheat more and do better. That always works.

Limited could f*** up a wet dream.

1-3

Round 5: Eric Conley

I go to cut Eric deck, and I can barely get my hands around it. Apparently, Eric is a newer player, and I wonder if he knew that he didn’t have to use all the cards he opened.

He did toss down a turn 1 War-Torch Goblin, so perhaps I should not judge a man by the size of his deck. On turn 2 he played Benediction of Moons. I’ll spare you the rest of this game.

I mulligan to four in game 2. I’ll spare you the rest of this game as well.

We did get to call the judge a couple times. The first was when Eric drew his card and immediately tapped a creature and said “attack.” I said “I’ll tap it” and all hell broke loose! Not really, but Brenden did saunter over to edumacate the lad about priority and whatnot. The second occurred when he tried to Galvanic Arc one of his guys and I killed it in response.

Interestingly enough, in the first game, Eric had no creatures and was facing Freewind Equenaut and Screeching Griffin. He cast Galvanic Arc on the Equenaut, having it target itself. I thought about that play for a second, and then another second, and then one more. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be legal, though maybe it isn’t, but word ‘em up to the Equenaut, who really wants to be enchanted. Just not like that.

Side note:

Cory Abrams was bemoaning the awfulness of his deck when a few of us checked it out. He was playing White and had Equenaut in his sideboard. I pulled it out (yes, that, you sick bastards!) and defied him to offer an explanation. “I don’t have any enchantments to put on him.”

About sixty guys all shouted at once:

It’s a 2/2 flyer for three! Wtf and omg Limited is so ass!

Cory’s been in a hella slump lately, and his 0-3-get-killed-in-a-side-draft didn’t help matters one bit, but so long as he keeps 2/2 flyers in the ‘board, I know there will be at least one name player that I finish above. Hu rah for me. End note.

Nevertheless, these were reasonably amicable and enjoyable games, even though I got the feeling that he thought I might have been trying to lawyer him to death. Now I’m nothing if not savagely in-tune with rules, particularly individual card rulings, such as Lion’s Eye Diamond and Sins of the Past, so I could see his point.

Limited is being strapped into the electric chair, and right before they pull the switch, the warden coming in and saying you got a pardon. Then saying “psyche.”

2-3

Round 6: Matt Campeau

I remember Matt from earlier in the day and an overheard quote that will live in infamy:

“I didn’t even make a single mistake!”

Um, yes you did. We all did. Every single freakin’ one of us made mistakes, and most likely in multiples. Even Aaron Lewis, the three-time defending Maine State Champ made mistakes, and probably lots of them during the day.

Anyway, Matt played the first few turns announcing each land he played, each phase he entered and exited, each mana added to his pool, and each spell he played. I figured he’d tire on about turn 3, though he didn’t.

Me: Do you have to do that?
Matt: Nope.
Me: Awesome!

He won the first game because I had seven cards in my hand. Guess which color? The shuffler sucks!

In game 2, Matt’s at 15 and I’m ready to alpha strike him to death with the unblockable team of Ledgewalker, Lammasu, and his flying buddies, plus Seeds of Strength and Wildsize in my hand. He has Starved Rusalka and a couple Green open, so when he sacs a couple guys he’ll be at two (with me at 14) and there is no way in hell I lose this game.

He decided to use dice at tokens, with one die representing the 4/4 |Black creature Lammasu brought to the party, and another die as a mere 1/1 from something random. The thing is, I thought he blocked one of my non-flying guys with the 4/4 token, but it turns out, after he untapped and declared attackers, the 4/4 die was, um, this one not the one you thought. He served for about twelve, and then either burned me out or pumped for the win.

He wasn’t cheating, so don’t get that idea. When the 4/4 token came into play, he did say this die is him, and likewise did the same for the other token. The board was so freakin’ convoluted that I guess I did, ahem, “miss” it.

I wanted to throw up, and Matt was nice enough to say “Tiny play mistake…” with equal parts relief and lol. Mother f***er, that’s just what I needed – I lost all day to guys that I should beat like goddamned drums (er, except for Richard and Rob), and you wanna throw sh** in my face?

On the plus side, I am legend with the way I maintained my composure. Rather than choke the living sh** out of everyone, or at least my deck, I smiled, shook his hand, said “good match,” signed the slip, packed up my stuff and realized I am the reason for The Brady Bill.

Limited is being told at six in the morning that you’re getting kicked in the balls at noon.

2-4

omg

I can’t believe how much I hate Limited. The thing is, I don’t really hate it. You go figure it out, ‘cause I can’t. I think, just right now, I figured it out:

I hate rules and restrictions with a passion. Sealed is both. Constructed, though the available pool of cards may be somewhat limited, as in Block or Standard, places so few restrictions on deckbuilders… especially in the current Standard format, where the potential for creativity might be at an all-time high.

The above deck was not a 2-4 deck. I’m not a 2-4 sealed player. And yet, 2-4 happened. Perhaps I made it happen, and the bad beats weren’t really beats, but my own damned fault. Perhaps.

Whatever, feel sorry for me later. We ‘re only halfway home!

Top 8:

1. Aaron Lewis
2. John Huntley
3. Dave Meier
4. Scott Cameron
5. Mike Carter
6. Mike Butler
7. Jeff Fairfield
8. Mike Grimmett

Three Mikes. I’m gonna call the police.

Cub reporter Jimmy Olsen mode on:

Q. How do you feel about your deck?

Aaron Lewis: “I think it’s pretty good.”
John Huntley: “Pretty good.”
Dave Meier: “Dave rules like a pirate.”
Scott Cameron: “Pretty good.”
Mike Carter: unavailable for comment heh and lol
Mike Butler: “Good. I passed two Last Gasps and I’m playing black.”
Jeff Fairfield: He offered a silent thumbs-up. I took this to mean “Pretty good.”
Grimm: “Playable.”

I then asked the obvious follow-up, “how often do you fantasize about me,” but, in the interest of journalistic integrity, I cannot print the answers, at least on a family-friendly site such as this.

You might trigger the name “Mike Carter” as the kid who did twenty damage to me with Hellhole Rats and made me hate Limited all by his lonesome. I know I do, and have since referred to him as “Hellhole Rats Boy.” I think he likes it.

What match to stalk was the next question, which was quickly answered when Grimm and Huntley sat down, teeth bared, hands on joints and bitches at the ready.

Grimm Lavamancer versus John Bounty of the Huntley

Game won:

Grimm thought a double mulligan going-first-keep-a-one-lander was technology proper, and while John agreed, he decided to keep his initial seven. Because he is a selfish bastard and you can tell him I said so! But don’t!

The first action was John’s turn 3 Courier Hawk plus Thoughtpicker Witch, slowed due to bouncey-land-mania, oh and pitch Cytoplast Root-Kin on turn 2 that’s how I roll, while Grimm answered with his second land and Azorius Signet, which really accelerated the hell out his mana.

Huntley could only manage a Signet of his own after serving and shipping it over. Grimm drew his card and said go. Nice deck.

John tossed a Blind Hunter into the mix, which was met/countered by Grimm’s own damned Hunter next turn. They traded during John’s next attack (after damage, yo, sac to my Witch, dawg) and both haunted the Witch. John tapped wrong and could only play Ghost Warden before tossing it over. Poor fella.

Grimm played Glass Golem, who really appeared to be made of glass with any freakin’ creature ever plus Ghost Warden on the other side of the table. Huntley served with his Hawk and Warden’d it up — vigilant beats4L! – while Grimm tossed a Flight of Fancy on his Golem and took to the air.

Who has Absolver Thrull, a juicy target, and the available mana? Huntley does, and took the wind out of Grimm’s sails, though he’ll always be the wind beneath my wings because next turn he slammed down a Pillory on the Hawk.

My handwriting is awful, but it looks like this:

EOT sac thryu to witch remove last gasp haunts G.W. sacs again to kill Pillory.

Got that? Good.

On Grimm’s next turn, he smashed and cast Tattered Drake, which was met with John’s Macabre Waltz, getting back Absolver Thrull and Ghost Warden (pitch Ledgewalker), neither of which appeared to be too blood curdling, especially considering that Grimm was still bringing the beats and added Guardian of the Guildpact (Good Cop) to the mix.

Faced with a growing army of real creatures, John was forced to throw his weenies into the fray, and at one life, he scooped rather than continue playing with his weenies. Heh, so many penis jokes in one sentence!

Game too:

Grimm played a Hunter, Huntley played his own and what the hell yawn bore drone until Grimm got Ostiary Thrull and both Guardian and Enemy of the Guildpact — Good Cop and Bad Cop to the initiated. That just felt wrong. Huntley, feeling the heat, answered with… Castigate, taking Orzhov Abortionist. Clutch!

Grimm added Glass Golem, Huntley countered with…Vesper Ghoul. Clutcher! Eventually, John managed to drop a vigilant 4/7, who was destined to be tapped forever, though his own damned Guardian of the Guildpact Good Cop hit the board, nearly careening it out of control. Not really though.

When Root-Kin hit, however, Grimm was faced with the bad situation of being about to die to Pillory, and when he sacced his Exonerator to kill the sissy enchantment, John simply sacced the dude that was haunted by his Blind Hunter. Stack manipulation 4L!

Game threi:

A bunch of boring stuff happened omg seriously until I look over and see: Flight of Fancy on Good Cop, and hear Grimm say “done.”

Me: Um, dawgs, quit cheating!
Grimm: Lol, you got me!
Huntley: Lol, me too!

Brenden came over, billy club swinging, and after looking it up, gave Grimm a kidney punch and told that cheatin’ bastard to choose another target. He chose Sewerdreg, and the next turn Last Gasped John’s last *real* blocker and served ftw.

Grimm is the man, but don’t tell him I said so — I wanna keep him a little insecure so I can still maintain my power over him.

Butler defeated Aaron Lewis, who apparently thought drawing thirteen lands was decidedly not teh suck. Mike Carter defeated Jeff Fairfield, and Dave Meier defeated Scott Cameron. And I spent a few moments checking out Butler’s girlies panty lines. Punctuate that:

Butler’s girlie’s panty lines.
Butler’s girlies’ panty lines.
Butler’s girlies panty lines.

Whatever, I looked at her ass a lot.

I chose to stalk Grimm again, mostly ‘cause Butler’s one of those guys you kinda wanna root for: cheery, peppy, happy to be here, and he has this really hot girlie who plays Magic and is supporting him while he tries to make it to the tour omg just omg oh and she has a nice ass too life is fair.

I asked my wife if she would support me for a year while I tried to become a “professional Magic player.” Some people actually do roll on the floor and laugh their ass off! And I thought it was just a funny saying! And Mike has a hot girlie with a hot ass who will support his hot dreams and hot desires and holy sh** I wanna cry.

Anyway…

Gayme one:

Butler starts with a turn 3 Feral Animist and thanks for having all three of my colors as well, while Grimm answers with a turn 4 Blind Hunter and thank you too for having all four of my colors. Butler Douses the Hunter and serves, and Grimm comes back with Ostiary Thrull. Being a fan of removal, Butler tosses Cackling Flames at the tapper and continues the beats.

Paladin of Prahv enters play, leaving Butler to play main phase stuff, like Gruul War Plow. Grimm drops Ocular Halo on the lifestick and smashes, ‘cause vigilance is like, good.

Butler animates the Plow and plows ahead with the Animist, which eats the ass end of the Prahv. Aggressive, sure, though ending the turn without casting another creature doesn’t seem to bode very well.

Grimm draws a couple cards, serves, and drops a Signet and Glass Golem. Butler responds with Enemy of the Guildpact Bad Cop. Grimm runs his guys in, Butler blocks Prahv with Bad Cop, and Grimm says “he’s not multicolored.” Butler’s smile says “oh, you silly man,” then he declares “I can still block with him.” Not the worst trade he made all day, but he does go to six in the process. Unperturbed, Grimm drops Good Cop and Last Gasps the Burning-Tree Bloodscale that Butler plays next turn, which elicits a scoop.

Gayme two:

Butler keeps a “huffer” hand, so called because he sighed very loudly upon looking at his opening seven, and Grimm has the first action with turn 2 Mourning Thrull.

Nothing happens until Butler’s turn 5, when his attempt to cast Ursapine meets Overrule. I glanced at Grimm’s hand the prior turn and wondered why the hell he didn’t cast any of the creatures in his hand. Now we all know: it’s because Grimm is good at Magic.

Grimm adds Sewerdreg to the mix, while Butler comes back with Bad Cop. Four points of unblockable love come at Butler’s dome next turn, and then Grimm drops his own damned Bad Cop, placing the nail in Butler’s coffin, but not yet pounding that bad boy in.

Butler drops Strands of Undeath on his Bad Cop, making it a sort of Robo-Cop, though even Peter Weller ain’t gettin’ out of this one. Fists of Ironwood on Robo-Cop begets lil’ Robo-Cops, but when Grimm sends in the clowns and gets Butler to 9, and then casts Paladin of Prahv, that giant sucking sound you don’t hear is Grimm being good at Magic again.

Butler fights back with Animist, but when Grimm drops Halo on Paladin, the nails start their plunge. Butler draws, Riot Spikes the Thrull, serves with all his guys in a valiant effort to represent something miraculous, then scoops when Grimm ends up taking two and going all the way to 18.

Grimm is in the finals against… Mike Butler, a.k.a.: Hellhole Rats Boy.

Note:

In between the conclusion of the Grimm/Butler match, Dave Meier was taking an in-between smoke break after losing game 1 to Hellhole Rats Boy. He was edgy and on, apparently ready to not only regroup, but do so in style, with “getting into [Mike’s] head” as part of the plan.

More poker terms were dropped than in your average Gadiel paragraph, and after feeding his soul with nicotine, Dave went back in, a new man: confident, perhaps arrogant, and determined to teach this young upstart punk bastard a lesson.

On turn 3, Dave cast Squealing Devil with a Mountain and Plains. And then played a main-phase Swamp.

Er, end note.

Anyway, Hellhole Rats boy beat Grimm with stellar plays such as turn 4 Woodwraith Strangler. It helped that he had every graft guy ever, and was bouncing counters like he was the eye in the sky at Caesar’s Palace and Finkel just walked in disguised as Ken Uston. Grimm put up a fight, and I’d like to say that the games were interesting, but, um, my vision might have been focused on the panty lines of an unnamed hottie.

Rizzo the rules guru sidebar:

After damage was stacked and about to resolve during a messy combat step, Carter cast Vaccumelt with replicate to save two of his guys. He picked his up, Grimm buried his and all was fine with the world.

Me: Um, isn’t that a sorcery?
Carter: Lol, you got me!
Grimm: Lol, me too!

No one got too hurt by Brenden’s ruling, but I confess my eyes were diverted soon thereafter. Because the foil Voidslimes were awarded. A rash of Rav Block duals, Jittes and fetchlands hit the table. “I’ll trade you eight duals for the ‘Slime” was a common refrain, as was “a night with my girlie for your ‘Slime.”

Some of the offers were so insane that they had to take me away from the action. On one table was about 30 Rav block duals set out nice and pretty, with the ‘Slime directly across. It was like a car crash: I didn’t want to look, and yet I could not avert my eyes.

Dear Wizards,

Whoever it is that decides on the prizes for these things should get laid on general principle.

Love,
Willing In Maine

Regardless of the insane trades and hot panty lines on display, Hellhole Rats Boy has a new nickname: State Champ Boy. As for me and the lessons and personal growth and character arc and all that jazz…

Limited is still teh suck, and not just because I am teh suck at Limited. Okay, yeah, that’s probably why. I got my ass handed to me by guys who have very little clue how to handle ass, was frustrated beyond belief way too many times, had a headache for about four hours and got very little to show for it. It’s likely I built my deck at least a little wrong, though I doubt it, but since I didn’t list the pool, ha ha suckers!

But I know I didn’t make a single play mistake! I made fifty or sixty, and so did everyone else! Go us, we suck!

Still, I had plenty of fun, well, you know, except for the “playing Limited” part, and that ought to count for something.

And hey, half-full boy, The NACs are coming next month, and if you can’t live without extremely useless Standard reports and decklists, then you keep it tuned right here, for this is where you will read about how Constructed isn’t teh suck (if I do well), or absolutely is if net deckers ruin my day.

But in the meantime, someone punch Limited in the face for me.

Twice,
John Friggin’ Rizzo