The Combat Phase — Extended Green, Tribal Elves, and Global Warming

Wendy has a slight bent towards geeky things, and I am gently fanning that flame. In our earlier courtship, she went out onto the web and read everything there was to read about me. So, naturally, we talked about Magic a bit. She was stepping off the Metro one day and some kids had binders out and were trading.

“I asked them if they were Magic cards and they were! I had never seen them here in Spain!”
“Cool. Did you tell them you were dating the King of the Fatties?”
“What? No. Why would people in Spain know you? You write for an American site, right?”
“Yeah, but it’s on the Internet. You know, international and all that. They might have known me.”
“Get over your bad self.”

Let’s start out with a warm round of applause for all of you who made Wendy’s birthday special. You guys seriously rock. She not only brought up how amazed she was all day, but when we had dinner with her friends that night, had to tell them multiple times how amazing it was. I was shocked at how many responses she got, and how nice they all were. So flattering to both her and me, and it really made for a great day for us, so, thank you. Thank you. Thank You.

I think we hit an even one hundred comments, from all over the world. Malaysia. Japan. Germany. Norway. Brazil. Netherlands. Australia. Costa Rica. The good ol’ US of A. Spain. France. Mexico. Italy. Serbia. Sweden.

Staggering.

As I said in the forums, I was expecting ten. I was hoping for twenty. I would have been blown away by thirty.

One hundred? Are you kidding me? I am feeling the love.

I continue to run about 50-60 percent with Beast Attack! I know it needs something different. It needs some tweaking to get it into fighting shape. In the forums, Shawn, a.k.a. ajestyk1136, suggests Sylvan Might, which I never knew existed. I think its perfect for the deck and tell him so. I replace the Overruns with Mights. Overrun is awesome, and just wins games sometimes.

Sadly, looking back over the number of times it has won games for me, it’s not that many. I have a very rough time giving up the card though, because it’s so fun. Because when it does win you the game, you just laugh and laugh. And because really, how much do you hate sitting in a creature stalemate and wishing that a nice rip would win you the game? Well, I know I do. Very little in Magic is as fun as casting Overrun. I force myself to get rid of it and try Sylvan Might. Which is good, but not game winning. The Flashback fits the deck nicely, but it’s not on the power level of Chalice, or other additions I have made that up the power level substantially.

You know what does up the power level substantially?

Umezawa’s Jitte.

I add Jitte in and am reminded of the sickness of this card. Like Chalice, sometimes, all alone, it wins you the game. And even if it doesn’t win you the game, it swings the tide in your favor from a bad situation. Even if they get rid of it, you always come out ahead. It’s just a sick card that never should have been printed, and I love it to death. And now I have creature elimination in the deck.

I play it in some eight mans. Sometimes I get smashed. Sometimes I draw in the finals. I can’t think of what else to add to it. Everything seems so essential.

Current version coming up…

See, Greenseeker might look dumb, but when you only play thirteen land, it is very possible to pull all the land out of your deck. All the land. That’s how I play card drawing and card advantage.

“Oh look, a business card!”
“Oh look. I drew another one.”
“Hey look, another good card instead of a land.”

I know you don’t understand. It’s just the way my brain works. And it reminds me of a thought I had the other day. Am I a really good deck builder no one understands? Or am I a really good player that can win even with this pile? Maybe it’s neither. Maybe I’m just really insanely lucky. Whatever the answer is, I love this deck, and it’s what I’m playing this weekend in Montreal.

I get up one morning in Madrid and Wendy has work to do, so I enter an Extended PE and go 3-0. This is the chat in the common room.

MLGreen defeated NinjaVanish (2-1).
trunks123: mono{G} with Greenseeker ftw
johan80: yeah, that’s really out of nowhere
johan80: there’s only about 53254234234 better creatures at G in Extended
Offkorn: beast attack was a bit more of a surprise
trunks123: heh seems like flores rock deck the bad one
trunks123: no beast attack was in flores rock
trunks123: with those 8 ld
trunks123: so bad
Offkorn: creeping mold > U/W Control
trunks123: lol
trunks123: sure offkorn
Offkorn: it just beat it…weren’t you watching 😛
trunks123: ya
trunks123: still a horrible deck
Offkorn: true enough

As far as Magic is concerned, I live for days like this.

3-0 in an Extended tournament with Beast Attack. Everyone in the common room telling me how awful I am. So much goodness. I laugh and laugh and point it out to Wendy.

Round 1 versus Crusader111…

He’s playing Zoo. Jitte is pretty good. So is Ravenous Baloth. So is Wasteland since he has no basics. First game is won with a Beast carrying a Jitte and Chalice set to one.

Second game a first turn Chalice set to one slows him down quite a bit. Then a Chalice set to two leads to concession. I’m holding a Baloth and a Beast Attack.

Round 2 is JoelG with Mono-Green Aggro. He foils my Acid Moss by flashing in a Scryb Ranger. He gets out some elephant tokens and equips a Moldervine Cloak and a Loxodon Warhammer (Que?) to one. I make a Boreal Druid into a 6/6 with my Jitte and kill his huge elephant. He flashes it back. I play out an Indrik Stomphowler, smashing his Warhammer, and he concedes. Jitte has counters versus Mono Green. Jitte is insane.

Game 2 he gets out a Spectral Force. Man, are those guys big. I block it with a Baloth, an Indrik Stomphowler and two beast tokens. His Force dies. I gain eight life. I keep thinking how much I miss my Overruns or this game would have been over long ago. He gets out two Ledgewalker, whittling my life down with Stonewood Invocation and Might of Old Krosa. He chumps my Beast tokens until it comes down to a draw step. Me at two lives, him at one, with one Ledgewalker left on his side to attack with.

“It all comes down to skill now.”
“Yup.”
He rips…
“No pump spell. Good game.”

Round 3 is against, I don’t know. Cloudpost Counterbalance Mindslaver Orochi Hatchery.

Game 1 I get an awful start and he sets up a Hatchery with eight counters on it. I just keep pressing F6 as he continues to draw cards, Mindslaver me, use his Top, all while having eight snakes on the board and I have a single elephant token. Blue mages. They just love to fiddle with stuff when all they need to do is attack twice and they win. It’s like they’re Gnomes or Kender or something.

Game 2 he gets a Hatchery out and makes some guys to block. I have nothing on the board. He attacks with some snakes. I don’t block. I cast Beast Attack at the end of his turn. Rrrrrrrrrrip Krosan Grip like a pro, use it on his Hatchery and he has no blockers. Swing for his last four life.

In game 3 I have four mana on the board on turn 2.
His turn 2 he plays Counterbalance.
I Acid Moss a land, Creep another, Creep another, and he’s stuck.
He concedes on turn 5 with no land.

Intentional draw into the top 8. Play a hard fought match against another Counterbalance deck, and games 1 and 2 take so long there’s only two minutes left on both our clocks when we start our third game. I am a moron and keep a no-creature hand. He gets out two Trinket Mages and beats me to death with them. I really just can’t believe it.

Joshie comes over when I get home, and I’m in an eight-man. We laugh like insane fools the whole time I’m playing. “Dude, this deck is just retarded stupid fun!” We take on Boros and get down a Chalice for one, then start casting beast after beast with a Baloth on the board. We take on Affinity and destroy so many lands / artifacts he has to sacrifice his Glimmervoid. And we laugh and we laugh.

Game 3 and a guy Cabal Therapies us. He names “Troll Ascetic.”
I look at Joshie “Doesn’t anyone read my articles? What the Hell?”

I go to bed. Josh continues to play the deck in the tournament practice room. He calls me Sunday morning. “Dude, that deck is good! Your insane pile of cards actually works! I was beating regular decks with it! It’s just so much fun. I’m playing it in Montreal next weekend.”

I’m not trying to convince you. Honest. I know its jank. Anyone will do better with pretty much anything else, but right now, Josh and I are loving it. What? It’s time for a Josh quote? Sure.

Doug, Josh and I travel to a Poker tournament in Swanton. Two hours away. Right on the Canadian border. Fifty dollar buy-in to play. $1420 for first place. 136 people show up in a room the size of (Doug’s reading over my shoulder as I type this… “The size of a walk-in closet,” he says) my house. Most of the women are in plaid. Most of the men are in camo. I regret shaving this morning. We’re assigned our seats and my table starts talking about ice fishing and bird hunting. One of my opponents mentions he fell through the ice last week. Yeah dummy, it was forty degrees for the last ten days. Duh.

I have high hopes for Doug. Josh has high hopes for himself. We all hope one of us makes it into the money. The day will be a success if one of us makes the cash. Despite being the best poker player among us, Doug gets a bad beat and goes out early. I survive to 41st place. Joshie is still in it. He gets moved to one of the last two tables and this grumpy old bastard immediately shouts at him.

“Move your beer off the table! Jeezus, you wanna spill it all over the cards?” Josh looks around. There is a mixed drink and a soda already on the table. Josh ignores him and sits down.
“Move your beer off the table.”
Josh glares at him and I’m sure he is going to manhandle him. Josh has no problems standing up to people. But we’ve had a good day and he’s near the money. He moves his beer off the table. Later on in the car he tells us “I wanted to say ‘You better shut up old man or you’re gonna find out what fifty years younger than you means in a bar fight.’”

Josh goes on to make Top 10 and wins fifty bucks. It was a good day.

Wow. Blast from the past.

I’m looking for my notes in my backpack. I am massive note boy. I keep notes of things I need to do, novel plot developments, and funny stories that need to go in here. I also have a digital voice recorder for taking notes now. It’s not quite as handy for reading notes, scrolling through the voice messages, but is much more handy for actually taking the notes.

Three sets of notes sit in front of me.

Things I need to do before hitting Madrid.

Tums
Nyquil
Call Jim White
Build simple Magic decks
Wrap presents
Checking Application
Write extra article (only thing not crossed off)
Clip nails
Pack
Wrap presents (yes, twice)
Bathing suit
Passport
Massage (crossed off, decided not to do it.)

Exciting, huh?

My next list of things is notes from trip and things I wanted to bring up. Writing notes. They look like this —

Chris Bohjalian
Coke Story
Global Warming
Super Volcanoes
Black Holes
Look up list of ways Earth could die
Dark Matter
Chick behind me is Bertrand Lestree
Thor Statue
Guy in front won’t shut window

And the blast from the past list. The one I went “wow” over.

Walk dogs
Tie to Teth
Sell Umbris Loot
Tie to BSD
Get bio to MTGAwards
Learn Sanctuary Recall
Drink beer (I needed a reminder for that?)

Some people will know what that last list means. It brings back a flood of memories.

As for the writing notes, lets get too it. We’ll do some of that, and hopefully if I win my next round I can draw into the Top 8 and show you my Tribal deck that wins sometimes.

Much of today’s little side notes are inspired by this month’s “Wired” Magazine. P.S. Buy Apple stock.

As I get on the plane for home, I see that once again, I am seated next to an attractive young woman. This time she is a little bit younger than me. Which is good, because I communicate much better with women than men. She is reading and doesn’t even look up as I sit down. I pull out a Time, Wired, and my current book, Death and the Sun. Yes, I’ve been busy, I’m still reading that.

We sit there not talking for an hour. At the thirty-minute mark I see the author of her book. “Oh. Chris Bohjalian.”
“Excuse me?”
“I was just noticing the author of your book. Chris Bohjalian. He lives ten miles up the road from me.”
She grunts and goes back to her book. I check my pits. Hmm, I smell fine.
The snack tray comes around and she puts her book down and gets some cookies.
“So, what were you doing in Spain?”
“Just traveling.”
Picks up her book.
“I was visiting my girlfriend.”
Puts her book down.
“Oh yeah? Then this must be rough for you?”
“A little but I’ll be back in three weeks to move in with her.”
No longer threatened, she opens up to me. I draw her out for about ten minutes, asking questions about her. Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. Finally I say:
“Wanna hear my Chris Bohjalian story?
“Sure!”

…

It happened about ten years ago. He lives up the road about ten minutes away, and back in the day when everyone was on dial up, the phone lines near him sucked. So he couldn’t hold a connection. It dropped the line all the time. Since he was a good customer of the computer store I was working at, they sent me up to hook up an external modem that holds a connection better. So, I walk in, and his house is nothing special. Nothing bad either, just modest. Except for his study, which is hard wood floors, book cases on all four walls, everything hardcover. An eight-foot wooden table in the center of the room with a computer, scanner, and printer attached. On the floor, to the right of the huge desk, is a stack of NY Times and People Magazines. These are the ones that reviewed his book (NYT), and talked about how great he was on Oprah (People).

I start to get to work and he asks if I want a Coke. I say sure, thanks, and he goes to get it. The phone rings while he’s in the other room, and he is chatting on it when he comes back into the room. He sets my Coke on the floor and wanders around talking, eventually going back into the kitchen. I get the modem all set up and move to the front of the table. On the way there, I forget about the Coke on the floor and kick it over.

Splashing Coke all over his stacks of New York Times and People Magazine.

Skah!

I rush into the kitchen and interrupt him.

“I need paper towels. Fast.”

He hands them to me and continues talking. He has to know what’s going on. I rush back into the room and clean up my mess. And, having done all of that, I have to finish setting up the modem and face his wrath when he gets off the phone.

He never says a word. He gets done his conversation, I test the modem, it holds a signal for a few minutes, he thanks me and I head back to work…

“Nice guy, huh?”

“Yeah. Sounds like it,” she replied.

“Yup, he was always great. I found out later that he’s very anal, so me spilling Coke all over his stuff must have made him crazy. He would come in, open up his laptop, and then wipe his fingerprints off it. Move the mouse, wipe the fingerprints off. All the time.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

Now she likes talking to me. She’s married with two kids. Truly, madly, deeply in love with her husband. Their dog died a year ago and she still misses him. She’s done over a hundred dives, and is an advanced diver like Wendy. Went skydiving once and wasn’t that thrilled with it. For the suiting up, the ride in the plane, it’s not a long enough thrill. She loves white water rafting. She is a physical therapist who works with kids. She loves her job.

We talk for about sixty minutes and then I start thinking “Okay, it was fun winning you over, but I need a nap soon.”

At a break in the conversation I lay my head back and close my eyes. About thirty minutes later she gets the hint and I sleep for an hour. I wake up and she tells me the movie sucks and I have to entertain her.

Why am I cursed with being so good with women?

Cursed… Yeah…

Yeah, that whole Global Warming thing.

February 3rd 2007 IPCC Report – “The report, by more than 2,000 top scientists, says world temperatures could increase by 3C by 2100.”

Anyone seen Al Gore’s power point presentation? The one that shows the oceans rising to flood New York and declare there will be millions of refugees? I think of that image and I think — “Will the millions of people living on the edge of the oceans have time to evacuate by 2100?” I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I think the evidence is clear. We need to follow Jor-El’s fine example and start rocketing our children into space.

We’re running out of oil soon too, you know. It will be a global crisis when that happens. Millions will die. And overpopulation is a big concern. In the 1980’s there will be mass food riots in American cities. Millions will die. And that hole in the ozone isn’t getting smaller. And in 1999 that whole millennium bug thing is going to happen. Planes will fall out of the sky. Stock market’s going to crash. Nuclear sites, unable to deal with a triple zero date will launch their missiles. Unless the bird flu gets us first…

I have too much to worry about, so I choose to worry about none of it. It is actually through the scientific process that I have come to this conclusion.

Here are some facts you might not know. These are the facts that temper my anxiety.

Man is responsible for about 4% of all the CO2 going into the atmosphere.

Each year, forest fires make up between 25% and 40%.

Plants grow better with more CO2. More plants = more CO2 removed from the air. See how that sort of balances?

Regardless of all the hype, according to land-based weather stations, the Earth’s temperature has increased by about 0.45 degrees Celsius over the last century.

Again, Wired Magazine, February 2007.

“Scientists know that small scale ice ages occur every 20,000 to 40,000 years, and that massive ones happen every 100,000 years or so. They just don’t know why. Studies of ice and seabed cores reveal that temperature rise and fall is heavily correlated with changes in greenhouse-gas concentrations. But it’s a chicken and an egg problem. Are CO2 rises and falls a cause of CO2 change, or an effect?”

Huh. That’s an interesting line.

“Are CO2 rises and falls a cause of CO2 change, or an effect?”

As Mathew Saltzman puts it “We need to know why greenhouse gasses fluctuated in pre-human times, and we just don’t.”

Some stuff that has nothing to do with CO2, but does help illustrate why its hard for me to be worried that a lot of scientists are 100% sure we’re going to burn up real soon.

The Hadron Collider comes online next year. “Some worry the Hadron Collider is too big and could create a black hole that, while awesome, would destroy Earth.”

Almost 800,000 years ago, compasses pointed south. About 3-4 times every million years, the poles reverse. Scientists have no idea why.

You know all the stuff we’re familiar with? You know, all those elements and energy and stuff we have collated and filed away? Well, if you were to weigh everything we’re familiar with in the universe, that would take up about 5% of the mass of the universe. Now, I don’t mean all the planets we know or have seen or just the junk we’ve discovered. That’s not the stuff I’m talking about. I mean, all the stuff we understand. We understand, like, rocks. Atoms. Heat and light and magma and CO2. All that stuff that makes up our known universe. Anything made out of Atoms.

There is stuff out there, stuff with an unfathomable composition… but it’s stuff that has an effect on the universe. They call that Dark Matter and Dark Energy. 23 percent of the universe is Dark Matter. 72 percent is Dark Energy. All those stars and galaxies and planets and other stuff made out of, you know, atoms, makes up the small percentage that’s left.

There is good news in this month’s Wired. They explain why hot dogs usually come in packs of ten, and hot dog buns usually come in packs of eight or twelve. See, Bakers tend to package things in dozens or other multiples of three and four. Butchers have traditionally sold by the pound. Guess what a hot dog usually weighs? .1 pounds.

And now for some just plain interesting and somewhat relevant facts from Wikipedia.

Every 500,000 years on average, a one-kilometer meteor hits the Earth, causing massive damage, extinctions, climate change, etc.

“On March 23, 1989 the 300 meter (1,000-foot) diameter Apollo asteroid 4581 Asclepius (1989 FC) missed the Earth by 700,000 kilometers (400,000 miles), passing through the exact position where the Earth was only six hours before. If the asteroid had impacted it would have created the largest explosion in recorded history.”

And of course, we have those Super-Volcanoes to worry about.

“A National Geographic documentary called Earth Shocks portrayed the destructive impact of the rapid eruption of Lake Toba some 75,000 years ago and caused a phenomenon known as the Millennial Ice Age that lasted for 1000 years and wiped out more than 60% of the global population of the time. An eruption of the Yellowstone supervolcano was originally one of the scenarios depicted in the docu-drama End Day, but was excluded from all airings to date for unknown reasons and is only presently mentioned at the show’s BBC website.”

Do not misunderstand me. I’m not saying the scientists aren’t right. Nor am I saying we shouldn’t try to stop it. Nor am I saying this is all hooey. They could be dead spot on. In fact, I think you should start rocketing your children into space right now.

What I am saying is that for millenia, doomsayers have been saying the end of humanity is coming, and humanity is the cause of it. And they’ve been wrong for millenia. And you know, the news media loves it.

Science, while cool, still can’t explain a lot of stuff. And they’re trying to explain now what is affecting our Global Warming? There have been global warming and global cooling periods on this planet since the day it was formed. Again from Wikipedia –

“Little is known about the Tenaya. The Tioga was the least severe and last of the Wisconsinan group. It began about 30,000 years ago, reached its greatest advance 20,000 years ago, and ended about 10,000 years ago. At the height of glaciation the Bering Land Bridge permitted migration of mammals and humans to North America from Siberia. It radically altered the geography of North America north of the Ohio River. At the height of the Wisconsin glaciation, ice covered most of Canada, the Upper Midwest, and New England, as well as parts of Montana and Washington.”

They can’t tell you what causes these ice ages, glacial advances, pole flipping, and periods of intense warming. But since the Earth’s temperature has increased by 0.45 degrees Celsius over the last century we know for sure that we’re causing it this time.

I’m sure I’m dumb. I’m just a Magic tournament reporter that likes to philosophize every now and then. I haven’t looked at all the data, and I wouldn’t understand it if I did. I’m just trying to offer a slightly dissenting view that might ease people’s fear a little bit. I don’t like people to be afraid.

I just don’t like to worry about such things. If I did, I’d be worried all the time about the Bird Flu, Kim Jung Il having nukes, the over-fishing of our oceans, and who I know is next to get Cancer. Ikk. Who wants to worry about all that, and Global Warming?

That’s all I’m saying.

I won’t be debating this on the forums because I’m not trying to debate it. I’m not trying to tell you Global Warming isn’t caused by humans. I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything. I’m just trying to tell you why I’m not worried about it right now, and you might find some peace in what I said. That’s all.

What? Get back to talking about Magic and STFU about things I know nothing about?

You got it. (Wait, what makes you think I know anything about Magic?)

Joshie Suggests we move out the Greenseekers and add in Elves of Deep Shadow. There’s a tournament at 6:00 so we’ll try out the changes then. Earlier, I played in a Tribal Wars tournament with a deck I haven’t seen anyone else try.

“Hour of Wrecking You.”

3 Gauntlet of Power
4 Supply / Demand
3 Wurmcalling
4 Hour of Reckoning
2 Sunscour
4 Llanowar Elves
4 Boreal Druid
4 Wood Elves
3 Selesnya Evangel
3 Selesnya Guildmage
4 Nullmage Shepherd
And whatever G/W land suits your fancy and budget.

The goal of the deck is, of course, accelerate out to a bunch of mana, play a Gauntlet of Power, and then start casting immense armies of 2/2 tokens or an immense token every turn with Wurmcalling. And then you cast Hour of Wrecking You and do a one sided wrath. Mmm… one-sided Wrath.

The best decks in the format right now are Angels, Goblins, and Illusions. Humans are pretty good too.

Goblins and Zombies come out of the gate so fast that sometimes only a Sunscour can stop them. Well, that or an actual Wrath, and I don’t have any of those and I’m not paying seventy bucks for a set.

Sometimes your opponent gets a couple Halcyon Glaze’s out, counters your removal, and just smashes your face in, and all the Wraths in the world can’t get rid of them. Nullmage Shepherd can, though. If you get her to hit the board in time.

Angels? Just pack it up, you’re going home.

In the first round I play against humans. It’s a good matchup for the deck. It doesn’t hurt that he gets land screwed games 2 and 3, and I just keep casting immense armies and immense guys.

Second round is versus Illusions. He only gets one Halcyon Gaze, and I kill it. Then I Wrath all his stuff away. And attack. Game 2 he mad rushes me with Glazes, and Wrath can’t stop them. Game 3 is a repeat of game 1. It’s all about the Halcyon Gaze versus me.

There are only 26 people, so I need to win one more and voila, Top 8 again with this deck. Don’t take that as any sort of brag. “Again” = “twice” and times entered into a Tribal Wars = infinity squared.

Next round my opponent gets a great deal of Goblins out via Empty the Warrens, and I think ha ha! I shall Hour of Wreck You! Oh wait… those are tokens… Scoop.

Game 2, I get a slow start and he just rolls me like a fat chronic.

Okay, gotta win one more! Gotta draw into the Top 8!

It’s Illusions again for this round, and I get my face smashed in so fast I thought I was playing Stompy. Glaze is some good. Countering the Nullmage helps a bit too.

Game 2 — Same as it ever was. Repeat of game 1.

I play the fifth round for giggles and take on Angels. I can’t beat Angels with this deck.

For next weeks Tribal Wars, I’ll be removing something to add in three Squall Lines, since the decks biggest problem is fliers (Illusions and Angels.)

It’s not a good deck, but, as usual, damn is it fun.

Good luck and have fun.

Jamie