This tale is going to be weird, but it must be told – otherwise Wizards may collaborate again with the music industry in the future for even more nefarious things that should be left well alone. You must bear with me as I bounce from one thing to another, from left to right, from Odyssey Block Constructed to Type 2, from Type 2 to Standard… No, wait. Those two are the same thing.
From Andystok to Zvi, from chocolate to cheese, from Ernie to Bert, from Mills to Boon – and most importantly, from Kyle to Jack.
(Once again, I urge you to open up your local person-to-person network interface, and download the song in question.)
(Here we go…)
Sing along with Tenacious D! Come on, this song is called "Wonderboy"!
High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds.
There sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly.
Not much to say when you’re high above the mucky-muck.
Yeah, yeah.
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won’t you take me far away from the Mucky-muck man?
This is of course, craftily worded code, and with some "Careful Study,” its true nature can be discerned. If you have "Wonderboy” – or "Wonder" as he’s known to us – in your hand and not in the "Mucky-muck” – or "graveyard," as it is defined in the Oxford Latin/Cantonese/Gibberish dictionary – then everything is hunky-dory, and nobody gets hurt. The last line is in reference to the fact that "Wonderboy" can and probably will take you over the heads of anyone who may appear to be "the Mucky-mucky man.” I’ll hazard a guess that "the mucky-muck man" might actually be a wurm token, much like one created by a "Roar of the Wurm" spell.
(Decklist so far.)
X Careful Study
X Wonder
X Roar of the Wurm
(The following is spoken, as opposed to sung, which the previous verse was – but you’d know that, because you have the mp3 now, right? Right?!?)
Now it’s time for me to tell you about Young Nasty-man,
Arch-rival and nemesis of Wonderboy, with powers comparable to Wonderboy!
Hmmm, "Young Nasty-man.” This could only be "Wild Mongrel,” for he/she be-eth very nasty indeed!
What powers you ask? I dunno, how ’bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya?
That’s levitation, Holmes…
Ah yes, "Levitation.” That’s probably because "Young Nasty-man" can drop a "Wonderboy" directly into the "Mucky-muck.” That’s not at all confusing.
(Which is funny, because it’s not confusing to us – but that paragraph taken out of context would probably make you frontal lobes trickle out of your left nostril in an attempted self-lobotomization.)
How ’bout the power to kill a yak from two hundred yards away? With mind-bullets!
That’s telekinesis, Kyle.
Now the power to kill a yak at twenty paces is difficult, let alone two hundred yards! This implies a third color, quite probably red. Our labs have done extensive testing in the yak eradication field, and we’ve found for best results in long-range yak disposal, you should use a Kavu el-Flametungo.
(Jack and Kyle, a.k.a. "Jable" and "KG,” a.k.a. "Tenacious D,” would call it "Kavu Explosivo!”)
("Explosivo" is yet another song worth getting, obviously.)
And for "Mind Bullets,” we need small bulletlike things. Thankfully, there is a card that it’s that description nicely while being quite good at the same time. I bet it’s mother is proud.
X Flametongue Kavu
X Fire/Ice
This, of course, brings up the issue of mana. No deck can function without a working mana base, and by now, you’re maybe thinking…
"How can a three-color deck make Wonder work?"
Or maybe you’re thinking,
"Hey, that blisterguy is a mad, hotty MC hottison."
And you’d be right, but maybe you’re thinking;
"Mmmm. Oprah, whipped cream, and two flavors of catfood. Me like!"
…In that case, you should seek help.
With a bit of creative mana-ing, and a bit of putting a land or two into play tapped, and maybe a bit of pain, you can make a Wonder-friendly mana base. The trick is in understanding that you need a whole bunch of Islands; otherwise, Wonder won’t be wonderful at all. OBC decks use between eleven and twelve islands, but don’t be fooled into thinking that’s the magic number; if you check through the decklists from the Worlds, you’ll notice Standard decks can go as low as eight or nine. So if you start with:
9 Island
4 Yavimaya Coast
You have thirteen sources of blue, which was apparently enough for most players of this kind of deck. That leaves nine or ten spaces for lands that tap for green and/or red… And there’s no shortage of those these days.
3 Shivan Oasis
3 Mossfire Valley
3 Karplusan Forest
Which brings the total number of green sources up to thirteen, too. In fact, nine sources of red may be one too many… But I’ll leave it as is for now, because I can.
If you’re wondering about the three "3’s" there, worry not, for I have sound and justifiable reasons, naturally. Four Karplusan Forest would bring the total number of painlands to eight, which is too many unless you’re a piercing-obsessed Ferrett. And while I don’t mind playing a Shivan Oasis on the first turn, in fact I take great delight in it if I have been deprived of enough sleep, playing another on turn 2 just slows me down far too much. Hence, three Shivan Oasis. Four Mossfire Valley is asking for some kind of three filter-land draw, which is nigh on fatal if your opponent isn’t orange and living in a tank of water.
(Now that I mention it, I haven’t heard the term "goldfish test" in quite some time.)
So by running only three Mossfire Valleys, you’re not as likely to be screwed by a trio of cardboard rectangles. Anyhoo, on with the song.
How ’bout the power to… move you.
(That’s actually just an excuse to go into a pathetic, yet heartfelt guitar fill.)
(Jack now sings again.)
History of Wonderboy and Young Nasty-man.
A-riggah-goo-goo, riggah-goo-goo.
That was Jack sort of "singing" a drum fill. Doesn’t it kind of look and sound like something a "bear" would say? No?
Well, tough, I’m adding bears to the deck anyway.
Because the deck would play Careful Study and Wild Mongrel/Young Nasty-man anyway, threshold is seldom going to be a problem. Werebear, or "Riggah-goo-goo #1,” makes a fine early accelerant, and fat stick later, and Grizzly Fate, or "Riggah-goo-goo #2,” makes a bunch o’ bears, and then more bears to boot. "Riggah-goo-goo 2" also make great lasagne, but you have to watch for random pieces of tree-bark.
A secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold,
"Gold Chest"? That’s like a "Treasure Chest.” Merfolk Looters are always digging for buried treasure… Or is that destroyed treasure that couldn’t regenerate? I can never remember, probably because I write lame sentences like that one.
And blasting forth with three-part harmony, yeow!
Now this bit is bit difficult, but with some "Quiet Speculation,” I can figure out what they mean here. You see, Quiet Speculation gets three cards? That’s the "three-part harmony” – get it? Ah, whatever.
X Merfolk Looter
X Quiet Speculation
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won’t you take me far away from the Mucky-muck man?
That’s the chorus again, which gives us time to consider what we have up to this point. But it’ll need to be "Analysed" properly before we can see accurately what kind of buh-huh-wheam-muth we have here.
X Wonderboy
X Young Nasty-man
X Mucky-muck man
X Kavu Explosivo!
X Gold Chest
X Riggah-goo-goo #1
X Riggah-goo-goo #2
X Careful Study
X Mind Bullets!
X Three-part harmony
X Analysis
4 Yavimaya Coast
3 Karplusan Forest
3 Mossfire Valley
3 Shivan Oasis
9 Island
Now to run it through the "un-Tenaciosu D-alizer,” and while we wait, a bit more of the song.
(Spoken again.)
Well, Wonderboy and Young Nasty-man joined forces,
They formed a band the likes of which have never been seen,
(That’ll be me building this deck.)
And they called themselves Tenacious D. That’s right,
(Sung.)
Me! And KG! (Kyle: That’s me)
We’re now Tenacious D!
Come fly with me, fly!
Now, let’s see what the "un-Tenaciosu D-atron" come up with for us.
"Wonderboy"
4 Wonder
4 Wild Mongrel
2 Roar of the Wurm
4 Flametongue Kavu
4 Merfolk Looter
4 Werebear
4 Grizzly Fate
4 Careful Study
3 Fire/Ice
3 Quiet Speculation
2 Deep Analysis
4 Yavimaya Coast
3 Karplusan Forest
3 Mossfire Valley
3 Shivan Oasis
9 Island
And where would I get off not giving up some kind of Odyssey block version as well? Sheesh, I don’t know. I guess I wouldn’t get off at all. One, two, three – OBC deck!
"Wonderboy"
4 Werebear
4 Millikin
3 Wild Mongrel
3 Wonder
3 Roar of the Wurm
4 Grizzly Fate
4 Careful Study
4 Mental Note
3 Quiet Speculation
3 Living Wish
3 Deep Analysis
1 Tarnished Citadel
1 Centaur Garden
10 Forest
10 Island
Sideboard:
1 Island
1 Centaur Garden
1 Wonder
1 Wild Mongrel
1 Nantuko Tracer
1 Genesis
1 Elvish Lyrist
1 Aboshan, Cephalid Emperor
2 Ray of Revelation
2 Moment’s Peace
2 Krosan Reclamation
1 Howling Gale
But be careful with that one, it’s actually quite good…
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won’t you take me far away from the Mucky-muck.
Man, Oh!
Hey, the song is still playing…
Anyhoo, I like particularly the ability to sideboard in certain cards and Quiet…
Take my hand!
Young Nasty-man, and we’ll fly!
… Speculation for them. That song is a cheeky number. Wishing for a Wonder is not bad either, and the fourth "Young Nasty-man" is hidden if the sideboard too, so you can fetch heem forth, once more into the breach, if you need to chuck "Wonderboy" into the "Mucky-muck" or something.
Bring out your broadsword.
Hee! That’ll be Genesis; he’s a big sword. Or maybe it’s supposed to be Aboshan…
There’s the hydra.
Slice his throat!
…Right.
And grab his scrote.
Er…
You take the high road,
I’ll take the low.
There, the crevasse,
Fill it with your mighty juice.
Okay, now that makes no sense at all. No! I said it makes no sense! None!
(Get your mind out of the "Mucky-muck,” you filthy individual.)
Gah.
Until next time, don’t forget to "Mucky-muck" your "Wonderboy" with your "Young Nasty-man" before blockers, so you can be taken "far away from,” or at least over the top of the "Mucky0muck man.”
Yeah.
Ray.
(beep)