Welcome To My Nightmare

Scenario One:

In this scenario, I’m a dirty permission player. However, I’m not as bad as you, for you are a filthy Ponza player. For those of you out there like me, I apologize, but my point must be made. When you’ve finally come to my name and email address at the end, you can shake off your foul feeling, take a long, hot shower, and return to your everyday lives. Let us begin.

I thought I’d start out with a little bit of torture. I’ve countered a land destruction spell of yours, and it’s the end of your fourth turn. I cast Fact or Fiction, revealing the following cards:

Island
Counterspell
Foil
Fact or Fiction
Opt

Pretty bleak, huh? I have five cards in hand. What do you do? Well, you probably don’t want me to have that Fact or Fiction. That much card advantage is HUGE! You could put it by itself, or maybe with the Opt – but what if I choose the Island/Counterspell/Foil group? Then you KNOW that I can counter at LEAST one spell next turn. However, if you make the Island unavailable to me, I might be forced to cast the Foil. Or perhaps I have plenty of land in my hand. Maybe I have no counters, and I’ll take the Counterspell no matter what. You probably want to split up my counterspells. Of course, I might be coming upon a land clump because only one land was revealed, and that’s good for you. The Port you have in your hand WOULD stop me from countering with Foil and Counterspell in two turns, and that’s good. But what if I have Teferi’s Response? Then I’M destroying YOUR lands. But why didn’t I use the Response on your first spell? Was I saving it, or was I bluffing?

Confused? Personally, I think that people are going to have nightmares about this card. Fact or Fiction is going to be a psychiatrist’s best friend, because the more clients a psychiatrist has, the better! After ten minutes of agonizing struggles and a threat to charge you with stalling, you finally decide on the following piles: Foil and Fact or Fiction in one pile and Counterspell, Opt, and Island in the other hand. Good choice, really. I pick up Counterspell, Opt, and Island.

Scenario Two (Thanks to Matt Eddleman for the genius behind this scenario):

This scenario’s very similar to the last. I made the same Fact or Fiction play, and you chose the same cards. However, you’ve discarded some of your filth and donned a weird U/R deck with Rising Waters. You have a Port and a Rising Waters out, and you say go.

I draw, scowl at my non-land card, and say go. I have two Islands untapped. You draw, cast a Fire Diamond, and pass to me. I start looking at my lands deciding whether or not to untap the Dust Bowl or an Island. Now, you’re totally perplexed. You know that I have an Opt in my hand. Why in my right mind wouldn’t I cast it during your end step? And then it dawns on you: I must have a Teferi’s Response ready for your Port. As I’m deciding what land to untap, I look at you. "Can I read the exact wording on that Port?" You hand me the Port, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I have a Response ready.

I untap an Island and ask for any responses. "No," you say. I give you no facial hints and say go. You untap and cast a Stone Rain, targeting an Island. I look at a card in my hand, think for a second, and say the words that you definitely did NOT want to hear: "I think I’ll save it." And then, I place the Island into my graveyard.

I untap an Island during my upkeep and ask for any responses. "None," you say. I smile. I have four untapped lands. You do nothing during your turn and pass to me. "During your end step," I say, "I’ll Opt." I look at the card, grin devilishly, and draw it. Then, I untap a land and ask for responses. "I’ll tap an Island with Port." "I’ll cast Teferi’s Response." "I KNEW IT!" you shout. "Knew what?" I ask innocently. "I knew you had Teferi’s Response in your hand." "No, but I did get rather lucky with Opt." You stare at me, ashen-faced.

Scenario Three:

I’m playing with a 5cGreen deck whose win condition is the five Dragon Legends. You’re playing a Flores Black deck modified for the current Type II.

I’ve got Rith out, and a whole slew of green creatures. I’m getting ready for my huge attack next turn. During my end step, you cast Vampiric Tutor and search for a Perish. You grin as you take the card from the top of your deck. You look at the one card in my hand.

"Ah, ah, ah," I caution, caressing my Coastal Tower. "Yeah right," you think. "He can’t counter with only one blue mana." You confidently cast Perish.

I simply smile, tap my Coastal Tower for a blue with two other lands and say, "In response, I’ll play Crystal Spray. I name black." The color drains out of your face as your black spell turns your face white.

Scenario Four:

I’m playing with another crazy deck. I have this out at the end of your turn:

Island, Island, Mountain, Mountain, Swamp, Dream Thrush, and Llanowar Knight.

I’m going to lose to you next turn, and you’re totally loving it. (I mean, don’t you deserve a win after so many crushing defeats?) I untap, lay a Forest. I tap Forest and Island, and say, "Utopia Tree." I turn my other Island into a Mountain with Dream Thrush. I tap Swamp and Mountain for Shivan Zombie. Then I tap the two Mountains for… Final Fortune!

Next turn, I play another forest, turn it into a Plains with Dream Thrush, tap seven lands and Utopia Tree for… COALITION VICTORY! You sigh, resignedly.

Scenario Five:

That’s it. You’ve had it. "I’m going to WIN this one!" you think. You have out Kavu Titan (a 4/4) with TWO Armadillo Cloaks, Ancestral Mask, and Divine Transformation on it. You cast Explosive Growth with kicker, and declare your attack. You’re coming at me for 22 damage! I pay six and cast Cauldron Dance. "Sure," you think. "What could he play against me? At the very least, I’m gaining 22 life." I put a Llanowar Vanguard into play from my graveyard and pull from my hand a Shoreline Raider!* You have a perplexed look on your face as you pick up the blue common and read it. I’m looking pretty happy right about now, when you shrug. "I’ll play Agonizing Demise," you say. "Very well. I block with the Vanguard and take 21."

Mise.

Well, if nothing else, I hope that this article has proven to you that the new Type II is going to be chock full of interesting things to do. No more Replenish! Yahoo! Let’s all enjoy this creature-based environment while we can.

–Daniel Crane
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