Psst.
I said, psst!
You.
Yeah, you!
Come here, quickly. Just act normal. No, don’t look at me. No, don’t walk like that.
Wow, you’re not good at this.
Right, that’s it. This way. I know what you’re looking for, and I’m here to help you out.
I want to show you something. Something new. Something… dangerous.
Enter… The Magical Murderous Mansion of Evil Elias Educational Toys and Vengeance Enablers!
Yes, step right this way, and I’ll show you the new weapons I’ve got from the ruins of New Phyrexia! The weapons that ravaged a world,
yours for the taking, for just three installments of… well, we’ll get to that part later.
Mental Misstep? Oh come now, friend, that’s old news. Yes, very good, very good, but I can see you’re a person of discriminating tastes.
You and I know that there’s more to New Phyrexia than that piece of weaponry, don’t we, friend?
Okay, let’s start with this item, sure to please:
Now, I know what you’re thinking, yes I do. You’re thinking, old man, you’re not going to play this. It isn’t a burn spell, it
isn’t an Elf, and it isn’t a Cat. Well, mostly fair, and yet, so short-sighted. This is one of the best cards a red mage can play, I assure
you. It’s a problem solver, a trouble-starter, a game-changer!
Pesky Baneslayer Angel got you down? Trust me, I’ve been there. The first step is acceptance. The second step is Dismember.
Why, for only one mana and measly chunk of your soul—which, let’s be honest, you’re not using anyway, you dirt-bag—you can
smack that Angel right out of the sky and dance on her grave! But that’s not all, not by a mile. Pay that same measly price—ignore any
sudden festering sores or other wounds, please—and now you can kill those pesky Kor Firewalkers dead, for just a measly mana, even using your
Mountains or Mountain-facsimiles!
Yes, friend, they’ll never see it coming. There they are, so smug, so pretentious, “oh look at me, I’m immune to fire, you
can’t touch me, I’m an Angel, la la la, flap flap flap my pretty wings,” then, bam! Feathers everywhere, and it’s back to
burning up all those offensive blue mages with their pointy hats and nerdy glasses, am I right, friend?Â
This is also really versatile, yes indeed, portable and potent, you might say. It kills all sorts of pesky problems, the kind that get you down. Dark
Confidant? Six feet under. Lord of Atlantis? Fish sticks! Tarmogoyf? Deceased! (Note: may not apply to all Tarmogoyfs, or other Lhurgoyfs; please read
label carefully and sign waiver.)
Wild Nacatl, Goblin Lackey, Vendilion Clique, Heritage Druid, Steppe Lynx? Dead, dead, dead, dead, and alive. Kidding, he’s dead, probably,
unless you did something wrong! Or she, right. Don’t call a female Steppe Lynx a “he”; they really get scratchy and bite-y. More than
usual, I mean.
Where was I?
Yes, dead things. The great thing about this little trick is it’s a scalable removal spell. Remember that old standby that my competitors peddle,
Snuff Out? Why, that thing only has two possible costs: way too much mana or way too much of life. That’s no good. This is 2011, sir, you know
that! And Swamps? Who are you, Shrek? This is a different time, isn’t it? Everything has to be as many things at once as possible. I want to talk
on my iPad like a phone, and watch my home television on it, and… you’re not getting any of this, are you? Trust me, where I come from,
you’d be eating this up.
So anyway, this Dismember, this is like Snuff Out, right, but better! You can pay full price on it, later in the game, and yay, no blistering, bubbling
flesh degeneration! But if you need to kill something faster, well, you have options! Two life, four life, either way, it’s less than five life,
and that, sir, is progress. Plus, less ointment on your wounds, and that stuff doesn’t come cheap, as I’m sure you know, although I do sell
it, and yes it is additional cost.
No, I wasn’t saying anything about your bandages, or—oh, that’s your flesh, there? No, I mean, that’s a good look on you.
Moving on, check out this trinket:
Now look, I know what you’re thinking, but that fuse has passed a number of safety checks. My certified pre-owned mines are guaranteed, or your
money back! Not your limbs, though. I don’t warranty those.
So this little machine has two options. The second one does something, I’m not quite sure. I haven’t figured it out yet. Feel free to play
around with it, but DO NOT TOUCH THAT.
Here, give that back.
Let me show you what the other button does.
Okay, so here’s you, right? You’re hanging out, you and your buddies, right, and then along comes this jerk, yellow laser shooting out of
his chest, robots flying everywhere, and you’re like “oh no, what can I do, help!” Yes, that was you. Did it sound like a little
girl? Because that’s what you, I mean, that’s what people sound like, probably not you, though. Other people. Not you.
Right, so, here’s this guy, and he makes problems for you, right? Sure, you can just not use him and buy one of those rod things, but he’s
a rush, isn’t he? Null Rod, well, it just sits there. Boring! Dull!
I’m not into the boring. I want action! That’s what you get out of Gremlin Mine, friend. You get to play this:
Because that’s where you want to be, right? I read this really awesome report by a really smart dude (and handsome!) that showed that
Metalworker—he’s where it’s at in Vintage right now. But, you want to have your special robot be the only special robot,
otherwise, how special is he? Not special, that’s right! You’re doing great, you really are.
So let’s say you’re, I don’t know, at Bazaar of Moxen in May, or whatever, and you’re playing Metalworker. You know other
people are going to play Metalworker. Yes, we all know you did it first, yes. But here’s the problem: some people, some jerks out there,
are going to be playing this:
I mean, look at those teeth! They’re so… white. How are they so white? I mean, is there a Phyrexian Toothbrush I don’t know about?
Which Stoneforge Mystic is fetching Sword of Colgate and Listerine, that’s what I want to know.
Because I would definitely sell that. Swords are hot, pal. Big time.
I’d say I’m wasting your time with these asides, but I know it isn’t valuable, as you’d just be shambling about like you were
before I came over here, wasting it anyway. But no more, we’re making a newer, better you!
So you’ve got your Mishra’s Workshops and your Metalworkers, and you need a way to blow up those pesky opposing Metalworkers, or Phyrexian
Revokers, or even a Lodestone Golem or Karn, Silver Golem. Not to worry because you’ve got… Gremlin Mine! Suddenly, the tables have turned,
haven’t they?
On the draw against another Metalworker deck? No worries! Blow that mine and even the playing field!
Just keep this between you and me, all right, because no one else is talking about this. I’m trusting you to secrecy on this one. I have a good
feeling my secret is safe with you.
Speaking of merciless explosions, here’s a fun toy:
Who doesn’t like Dragons, am I right? A 4/4 for four is a bargain any day. And who doesn’t like Hatred effects? You look like you know
something about hatred! I think Mike Flores made a deck with Hatred once, but it was only mentioned in fleeting, one time.
Anyway, you know what’s better than steel? Moltensteel! ‘Cause it’s, you know, hot and stuff. And pliable. I’d wear a welding mask
around this, yes, extra charge.
So getting a four mana 4/4 with evasion is a really nice deal in and of itself, but look at what this sucker does if you get to take a turn with it. On
turn five, if you’ve played a fifth land, you can attack for nine in the air—that’s nine, folks! But you’re not talking to me
because you play it safe, are you? Get a little reckless with your life total, and things get really crazy, don’t they? Pay five mana and ten
life, and you’re attacking for fourteen damage on turn five. Ridiculous! Ludicrous! Scandalous! Use sparingly and cautiously, and always
have a spotter!
I’m not kidding, fella. Look, I know it’s pretty cool, and yes, I’m laughing with you at those poor saps running around amidst the
fire and all that, but you need to be careful with this stuff.
Those scabs just don’t look good, I’m serious. Use of Phyrexian mana is meant to be short-term, fella! Haven’t you seen the Surgeon
General’s Warning? No? Well, that’s good for my business.
As you probably realize, I’m, well, I’m an older-ish type of mage, right? And I remember this beast:
Did you know that there was a time when there was no keyword for haste? There was a term for creatures that were “unaffected by summoning
sickness,” but I won’t tell you what it was. If you can guess it correctly, I’ll give you 10% off your Moltensteel Dragon Storage
System!
Now, Moltensteel Dragon is competing with that Koth fellow, and generally speaking, Hammer Time is a good time, but the Dragon kills fast. Real fast!
Yes, when you absolutely, positively want to kill somebody or something dead in a hurry, untapping with this guy is one of the best ways to make that
happen, and one that stays good if you flood out in the late game. Interestingly, the two cards also play rather nicely together, don’t they?
Corporate synergy, friend!
Is that all?
Really. Really? Don’t you know who I am? I spent all day packing this outrageously magical bag with the best in weapon technology you can find in
Amber, Chaos, or any shadow in-between, and you ask me questions like that?
Apology accepted. You monster.
Behold!
See, the little ones survive because they hang out with the big one, right? Paging Mr. Tait? Has anyone seen Mr. Tait? Softball here, for Mr. Tait!
One of the neat tricks that you probably remember, being a scholar and a gentleman, is that Beastmaster decks in Zendikar block (among some other decks
here and there) utilized Leatherback Baloth to muscle-up in some matchups.
Well, Myr Superion? He’s bigger and cheaper! Only the best for you, friend! There’s nothing nature hasn’t done that robots
can’t do better! The chances of them turning on us is slim to none, I assure you. Literally almost zero. Infinitesimal.
Full disclosure, banked on spellcheck to get that last one correct. I share all my secrets with you, friend.
So let’s say you’re playing a deck that uses little creatures to make mana, Elves and Cobras and the like. You can make things interesting
in games two and three against strategies with resistance to you by going big. I’m talking Shaq Fu, Kung Fu Panda here, fella!
But wait, there’s more!
I have another whopper for you that plays nicely with this particular strategy. And it features… poison!
Did I get lighter fluid on you? That trick never works, never. I had the Prodigy queued up and everything. And where are my doves? I sure hope
they’re all okay.
Right, the weapons. There’s more to this strategy, always more than meets the eye here, my favorite purchaser of goods and services!
Overrun? No need for that expensive thing, my friend, not for you! With Triumph, you only need to deal half the damage, and this 50% reduction in
damage needed comes with its own efficiency, a 20% reduction in cost! What other arms dealer offers you this type of power? That’s right, none!
Vengevines with this card, now that’s a quick game-ender, isn’t it? Use your grey matter for something other than bringing that hand to
your mouth for feedtime and drool-wiping! Use your imagination, you remember that, right?
I can’t tell if you just drool naturally, or if you’re hungry, or what, but I’m pretty excited about this transaction, so let’s
do this thing, right? Fill out this card, I’ll add up the price, add shipping, handling, and add the extra charge for batteries, magic batteries,
evil batteries, and so on, and we’ll work out an installment plan for your budget.
And seriously, go easy on the Phyrexian mana.
You see that? That’s your toe. That isn’t good, friend. You want that to stay attached. Also, those filaments should not be coming from
there…
Yikes.
If that keeps up, you can now reach me on Twitter, and I’ll suggest a Phyrexian specialist. Same name as everywhere else, @Voltron00x.
Honestly, that looks infected, so I think our future communications should occur at a distance…
Matt Elias
[email protected]
Voltron00x on SCG, TMD, The Source, and (finally!) Twitter