There are times when you are lucky enough to come across a gem. Fortunately, we at StarCityGames regularly plumb the depths of the Commander world to
bring you the constant variety of things you want to know about. This is one of those things. We were lucky enough to acquire (through means you’re
better off knowing very little about) the infamous lost episode of a very popular television show. We bring it to you here in its full transcript, to
include all the side commentary which was never intended for human ears.
(Ruhan) Welcome to the Not At All Copyright Infringing Dating Game, where there are no points except the ones our contestants make! ( Really? Who wrote that? That’s kind of lame. Jimmy, can we cut that during editing?) I’m your host, Ruhan of the Fomori, and we have a special
episode for you tonight! Let’s meet our bachelors!
He’s an Angel from Ravnica, who in his spare time loves the novels of Jane Austen, Jennifer Lawrence movies, and Pinot Grigio. Let’s welcome Angel of
(Angel of Serenity) Thank you, I’m very happy to be here. This seems like a nice audience. Thank you for being so welcoming.
(Ruhan) I understand you had an interesting experience recently.
(Angel of Serenity) Yes, I was standing in line at Shake Shack-the one near Battery Park-when Mick Jagger came in. He was wearing one of those fedoras and
sunglasses, but you can’t really disguise that kind of glamor. He stood in line with the rest of us. No one really wanted to bother him, but I couldn’t
help myself. Some Girls was one of my favorite albums growing up. I just went up to tell him how much I appreciated all the music. He ended up
paying for my ‘Shroom Burger and Shack-made Lemonade and inviting me to one of their rehearsals. I couldn’t go because I had to go deal with some Demons,
but it was a great experience. He was really sweet.
(Ruhan) Sounds like a great time, although Exile on Main Street was their best album. Our second guest hails from the plane of Mirrodin where he
enjoys brewing craft beer, roasting his own coffee, and the music of The Decemberists. In his spare time, he likes murdering Goblins. Please put your hands
together for Massacre Wurm!
(Massacre Wurm) Hey, yo.
(Ruhan) I read here that you participated in the Occupy Wall Street movement for a short period of time.
(Massacre Wurm) I did. I just…they just didn’t get it. You can’t protest against big corporate interests from your MacBook Pro and iPhone. Do you
understand cognitive dissonance? So I went back to murdering Goblins-which, I have to tell you, I was doing before it was (makes air quotes) cool.
(Ruhan) Okay, then. Sounds like fun. Our final contestant certainly defies description. He is what you might call one of the originals. He says he’s a big
sports fan and roots for whatever teams are doing well. Please say hello to Clone!
(Clone) Thank you. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere. Wherever I am, that’s a cool place.
(Ruhan) So you really don’t have a favorite sports team?
(Clone) No, not really. I kind of dislike the Cubs, but that’s just because they’re losers.
(Ruhan) Seems a little harsh.
(Clone) Hey, coffee’s for closers.
(Ruhan) Fair. So now let’s meet our bachelorette. She’s new in town and will start at UCLA in the spring where she’ll pursue a Master’s Degree in Chemical
Engineering, let’s say hello to Blade of Selves!
(Blade of Selves) Thank you so much, Ruhan. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m a big fan.
(Ruhan) So, Chemical Engineering. Sounds difficult. What do you hope to do eventually?
(Blade of Selves) My current research involves making both a combustion engine fuel and a high-quality gin out of pumpkin seeds. We want to develop a clean
energy source that also makes a killer martini. By filtering out the impurities, we can get forty miles to the gallon and still have a crisp, clean taste.
You’d be surprised how chemically similar gasoline and juniper berries are.
(Ruhan) Which of these bachelors will be lucky enough to get a date with you?
(Blade of Selves) I’m a 21st century woman, Ruhan. I want a true partner, someone I can make a great team with. I don’t need a man to understand my own
value. I just want someone who makes me better while I make them better, and together we make the world better. Let’s just say I’m looking forward to a
myriad of possibilities.
(Ruhan) Way to steal my material.
(Blade of Selves) Didn’t realize you were going to use the joke. It’s really my material anyway.
(Ruhan) Okay, let’s get on with the Dating Game! Pick one of the bachelors at random.
(Blade of Selves) That’s not how I understand the game works.
(Ruhan) Right, sorry. Force of habit.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #3: describe your perfect evening.
(Clone) I don’t mind doing whatever.
(Blade of Selves) Really, no preferences?
(Clone) We can end this game right now. You know the stuff those two mooks can do? I can do it too. Anybody else? I can do that. I’m flexible, if you know
what I mean.
(Blade of Selves) Actually, I don’t.
(Clone) It was a sexual innuendo.
(Blade of Selves) Oh, it’s a little early in the show for that. What of the idea that you can’t do anything on your own?
(Clone) Who needs to? I’m the right man at the right time. A man for all seasons. A problem-solver.
(Blade of Selves) I see. Bachelor #1: Why should I attach myself to you?
(Angel of Serenity) I’m inherently organic. I like to help things return to their natural state. Together, you and I could do so many things. For the most
part, that would be getting obstacles out of the way and doing glorious battle. I don’t like destroying things, just making opposing creatures see the
error of their way in opposing us.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2: Same question.
(Massacre Wurm) We would crush together. By myself, I’m pretty good at killing stuff. With you, there’s no end to the damage we could do. We would paint
the world in Goblin blood.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #1: If you were a drink, what would you be?
(Angel of Serenity) A thick, creamy milkshake.
(Blade of Selves) Ooh, sounds delicious. Bachelor #3?
(Clone) Water. But put some of that Mio stuff in me, and I rule. Or boil me and make some tea. I’d get hot for you.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2: Clean-shaven or facial hair?
(Massacre Wurm) A beard. A big, spikey one. Plus some cool glasses and a knit cap, even in the summer.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #3?
(Clone) It depends. Whatever’s best at the moment.
(Ruhan, to the Control Booth):
holy crap this guy is boring. We could have had Avenger of freaking Zendikar. Jimmy why didn’t we get Avenger of Zendikar? Or the new Goat? Why didn’t
we get the damn Goat?)
(Ruhan) More obscene than Gray Merchant of Asphodel?
Obviously not, although they were really adamant about not having Ashen Rider. The VP of Standards and Practices said he’d fire everyone if we even
thought about it.
(Ruhan) At least we could have gotten Solemn Simulacrum. I could have made a couple of depression jokes.
(Control Booth) Depression really isn’t something to joke about, Ru. Be a little more sensitive.
(Ruhan) Yeah, okay. I suppose I should pay attention to what these morons are saying.
(Control Booth) It’s what you’re getting paid to do. You want to get drinks later?
(Ruhan) Sure. Nothing’s better than watching you get hammered and then cry about Janelle. She’s not coming back, you know. Ice road truckers ruin a girl.
(Control Booth) You shut up! She just hitched a ride. Nothing happened.
(Ruhan) You keep telling yourself that.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #1: If you, me, and another equipment were to, you know, get together, who would it be?
(Angel of Serenity) Definitely Godsend. Good times.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #3?
(Clone) Depends on the mood of the room.
(Blade of Selves) I should just stop asking you questions.
(Ruhan) For crying out loud! Jimmy, can we set fire to the set or something? I want to stab myself in the eye.
Hey, I told them if they were going in this direction, they should have gotten Phyrexian Megamorph or Dack’s Duplicate. I kind of feel sorry for the
guy. It’s not really his fault. I wanted Eternal Witness. Or maybe Angel of Despair.
(Ruhan) Two Angels would have been awkward. I guess we could have done the all-Angel show. Who would be the third?
(Control Booth doesn’t answer)
(Ruhan) Jimmy? Jimmy? Are you texting Janelle again?
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2: Who would be our third?
(Massacre Wurm) I wouldn’t do it. I won’t share you with anyone. Me and you together is enough. I’d get you a nice piece of jewelry, like a Sundial of the
Infinite. That’d be sweet.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #1: Who is your favorite commander?
(Angel of Serenity) Avacyn, Angel of Hope.
(Blade of Selves) Would you consider being in a multi-color deck?
(Angel of Serenity) Of course, but I lean pretty heavily toward white.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2: Who’s your favorite?
(Massacre Wurm) Anyone black and red so we can play Varchild’s War Riders. I bet me, you, and Thraximundar could make some sweet music together.
(Clone) Hey, could I get a question over here? Once you get to know me, you’ll see how awesome I am.
(Blade of Selves) Do you promise to say something other than “whatever” or “it depends?”
(Blade of Selves) Who is your favorite commander?
(Clone) Lazav, Dimir Mastermind.
(Blade of Selves) Staying with Bachelor #3. Instant or sorcery?
(Clone) Instant. Mirror Match.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2?
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #1: What’s the best show on TV right now?
(Angel of Serenity) Fargo. Not even close.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2?
(Massacre Wurm) I don’t own a television. I won’t be force-fed big pharma and big tobacco’s propaganda.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #3, what actor are you most like?
(Clone) Kevin Spacey.
(Ruhan) Ooh, finally a good answer from him. That guy is awesome.
(Control Booth) Hey, did you know Kirstie Alley was on The Match Game as a contestant in 1974?
(Ruhan) Why the hell would I know that? And why would you know it?
(Control Booth) Janelle loved Cheers and Wrath of Khan.
(Ruhan) You’re hopeless.
(Control Booth) At least I let myself love. You should try it sometime.
(Ruhan) You should maybe shut up. But we can still have drinks.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2, if you were on the Rules Committee, what card would you unban?
(Massacre Wurm) Free Recurring Nightmare! It’s only banned because the Koch Brothers want it there.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #3?
(Clone) Gifts Ungiven. It’s only banned because the RC hates blue. If it was red, you’d be playing it right now.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #1, I obviously don’t play well with legendary creatures. If you had to see me work with one of them, who would it be?
(Angel of Serenity) That’s a tough question. Probably Yosei, the Morning Star. I have a weakness for Dragon Spirits.
(Blade of Selves) Bachelor #2?
(Massacre Wurm) I have to agree with that dude. Dragon Spirits are solid. Kokusho, the Evening Star.
(Blade of Selves) Do you think I could end up getting Kokusho banned again?
(Massacre Wurm) No, you’re not that scary.
(Ruhan) I dunno. She’s kind of scary. She could break a bunch of cards.
(Control Booth) Um, Jimmy stepped out.
(Ruhan) Who’s this?
(Control Booth) This is Maryann.
(Ruhan) Maryann the volleyball player?
(Control Booth) Yeah, that’s me.
(Ruhan) How you doing, girl? You know Giants like tall women. You should totally have drinks with me and Jimmy later.
(Control Booth) Jimmy’s in a corner with a box of Kleenex watching The Notebook on his Android. And you’re a creep. There’s no way in hell that’s happening. By the way, coming up on 30 seconds to the end of the segment.
(Ruhan) Okay, bachelorette, just time for one more, and you know what that means: It’s Snap Call Time, sponsored by Snapple. Ask a single question, and our
bachelors will snap call an answer.
(Blade of Selves) Okay, bachelors. Let’s assume I don’t choose you, but you get to drown your sorrows by going on a date with any celebrity instead. Who is
(Angel of Serenity) Annie Lennox!
(Massacre Wurm) Pink!
(Clone) Kevin Spacey!
(Ruhan) Okay, great answers everyone. Who will our bachelorette choose? Find out right after these messages from our sponsors! Really, Maryann. If you want, I’ll ditch Jimmy and we can go to that pho place over on 43rd. Am I pronouncing that right, “fuh?”
Isn’t that the place you used to go with Michiko Konda all the time? You’re just that kind of jackass who thinks there’s only one set of moves. You’re
the type that buys chocolate and flowers at Walgreen’s on Valentine’s Day because “that’s what girls like.” I’ll tell you something, my
overly-optimistic always-has-a-condom-in-his-wallet friend, you don’t have a chance, and if you did, I’d eat you alive.
(Ruhan) Aw, c’mon baby.
(Control Booth) Call me baby one more time and I’ll crack you in the mouth. And you’re back in 5, 4, 3…
(Ruhan) And we’re back! It’s time for our bachelorette to make her choice. Who is it going to be?
(Blade of Selves) Well, they all have their charms. I even warmed up to Bachelor #3 after a while. Still, I’m going to go with Bachelor #1. I think it was
liking Fargo that got me.
(Angel of Serenity) Yes!
From here, the remainder of the audio portion of the tape is lost. The following is excerpted from an episode which aired a year later.
(Ruhan) What are you wearing? Huh? Oh. Welcome back to our new segment, Catching Up, where we go back and talk to one of our former contestants.
This week, we catch up with Blade of Selves, who is about to start her second year in the UCLA grad program. How’s it going?
(Blade of Selves) Great. Happy to be here.
(Ruhan) So it didn’t turn out so well between you and Angel of Serenity.
(Blade of Selves) Well, first of all, I’m not sure he was all that into me. He talked about Annie Lennox a lot. And you know how you start to date someone
and there’s that great period of discovery? They’re nice, and they seem like they have all the qualities you want, but then every time you go someplace
together, he wrecks the party? It happens the first time, and you’re like “oh, it was the boardstate,” but then it keeps happening? That’s what it was
like. There were warning signs. I should have known better when he made the Yosei comment.
(Ruhan) You know what I’m going to tell you, right?
(Blade of Selves) What’s that?
(Ruhan) You did it to yourself.
A million thanks to Nick Rzeczkowski for the seed of this idea.
This week’s Deck Without Comment is Dreaming of Intet, one of the stable I’ll be taking to Atlanta.
- 1 Solemn Simulacrum
- 1 Seedborn Muse
- 1 Eternal Witness
- 1 Mystic Snake
- 1 Yavimaya Elder
- 1 Aura Thief
- 1 Coiling Oracle
- 1 Glen Elendra Archmage
- 1 Murkfiend Liege
- 1 Oracle of Mul Daya
- 1 Avenger of Zendikar
- 1 Kozilek, Butcher of Truth
- 1 Ulamog, the Infinite Gyre
- 1 Consecrated Sphinx
- 1 Phyrexian Metamorph
- 1 Snapcaster Mage
- 1 Hellrider
- 1 Dack's Duplicate
- 1 Mercurial Pretender
- 1 Dualcaster Mage
- 1 Flamerush Rider
- 1 Ulamog, the Ceaseless Hunger
- 1 Gigantoplasm
- 1 Sphinx of the Final Word
- 1 Stunt Double
- 1 Rashmi, Eternities Crafter
- 1 Champion of Rhonas
- 8 Forest
- 1 Gaea's Cradle
- 1 Wasteland
- 1 Mountain
- 9 Island
- 1 Volcanic Island
- 1 Tropical Island
- 1 Taiga
- 1 Temple of the False God
- 1 Maze of Ith
- 1 Steam Vents
- 1 Stomping Ground
- 1 Breeding Pool
- 1 Reliquary Tower
- 1 Rootbound Crag
- 1 Command Tower
- 1 Hinterland Harbor
- 1 Sulfur Falls
- 1 Kessig Wolf Run
- 1 Alchemist's Refuge
- 1 Temple of Mystery
- 1 Frontier Bivouac
- 1 Cinder Glade
- 1 Sensei's Divining Top
- 1 Mana Drain
- 1 Scroll Rack
- 1 Sol Ring
- 1 Desertion
- 1 Fault Line
- 1 Reins of Power
- 1 Skyshroud Claim
- 1 Rhystic Study
- 1 Cryptic Command
- 1 Recross the Paths
- 1 Rite of Replication
- 1 Comet Storm
- 1 Cultivate
- 1 Praetor's Counsel
- 1 Beast Within
- 1 Chaos Warp
- 1 Spell Crumple
- 1 Bonfire of the Damned
- 1 Cyclonic Rift
- 1 Plasm Capture
- 1 Tempt with Discovery
- 1 Polymorphist's Jest
- 1 Aetherspouts
- 1 Pyromancer's Goggles
- 1 Zendikar Resurgent
- 1 Mind's Dilation
- 1 Planar Bridge
- 1 Insult
- 1 Swarm Intelligence
- 1 Hour of Promise
- 1 Primal Amulet
Check out our awesome Deck List Database for the last versions of all my decks:
AURELIA GOES TO WAR;
CHILDREN of a LESSER GOD;
DEMONS OF KAALIA;
EREBOS and the HALLS OF THE DEAD;
HELIOD, GOD OF ENCHANTMENTS;
DREAMING OF INTET;
FORGE OF PURPHOROS;
KARN, BEATDOWN GOLEM;
HALLOWEEN WITH KARADOR;
KARRTHUS, WHO RAINS FIRE FROM THE SKY;
KRESH INTO THE RED ZONE;
LAZAV, SHAPESHIFTING MASTERMIND;
ZOMBIES OF TRESSERHORN;
MELEK’S MOLTEN MIND GRIND;
MERIEKE’S ESPER CONTROL;
NATH of the VALUE LEAF;
NYLEA OF THE WOODLAND REALM;
OBZEDAT, GHOST KILLER;
PURPLE HIPPOS and MARO SORCERERS;
ZEGANA and a DICE BAG;
YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF;
RURIC THAR AND HIS BEASTLY FIGHT CLUB;
THASSA, GOD OF MERFOLK;
THE ALTAR of THRAXIMUNDAR;
TROSTANI and HER ANGELS;
THE THREAT OF YASOVA;
If you’d like to follow the adventures of my Monday Night RPG group (in a campaign that’s been alive since 1987 and is just now getting started with a new saga called “The Lost Cities of Nevinor”), ask for an invitation to the Facebook group “Sheldon Menery’s Monday Night Gamers.”