SCG Daily – The Five-Mana Men

Mr. Rizzo rounds out the week with, predictably, his run-down of the Five-Mana Powerhouses in Magic. The number one… will it be Meloku? Will it be Morphling? Will it be Psychatog with a Wild Mongrel stapled to it? Only John has the answer!

I still hate my bio and pic, yet, have made no effort to amend it to reflect the changes that have taken place since the fateful day I sent it to The F. For instance, I’m good at Magic now a month or so back, I shaved my goatee for no reason. I could say that I was being more sensitive to my wife’s “needs…” You know of what I speak, but since I’m married, you know I ain’t gettin’ none, let alone making reservations for the YMCA Dining Club.

Heh, I just made that up.
I’m funny, try and keep up.

Okay, the honorable mention part:

Blinding Angel
Mageta the Lion
Ivory Gargoyle
Golgari Grave-Troll
Arashi, the Sky Asunder
Weatherseed Treefolk
Fallen Angel
Covetous Dragon
Shard Phoenix
Hunted Dragon
Siege-Gang Commander
Karn, Silver Golem

That stupid Augustus Arbitrator Eye Vee or whatever that only costs four, but I’ll put it here so the kidz don’t think I’m out of touch though it sux.

Now, onto the good stuff…

11. Golgari Grave-Troll
I love this guy, and want him to be good. So much so that I’ll pervert my list just to make him feel wanted. Hey, there’s always Regionals, and word ‘em up if there isn’t a U/G deck just begging to abuse the living piss out of him. Did you know he comes into play with +1/+1 counters…? Someone do me a favor: break him. If you do, I’ll give you a pat on the ass.

10. Phyrexian Plaguelord
He’s probably not worthy of top ten, but look up there: slim pickins, and I bet I’m missing a lot of creatures. If it makes you feel better, select your favorite from the list and insert right → here. Now, give yourself the finger for me, pls/thx.

9. Serra Angel
We’ve heard the rumors, but now I ask once and for all: how many of you have actually tossed off to this card? Nah, nothing but a rumor, like the contents of Rod Stewart’s stomach or Richard Gere’s, er, ass. I knew it couldn’t be true — who would become that aroused by art on a Magic card?

I would.
Perhaps I have.
You sick bastards!

8. Desolation Angel
The angel screamed, “build a deck around me!” And so they did. Every single one of them. She’s not as hot as some of the other angels, and certainly not as attractive as…

7. Kagemaro, First to Suffer
How I long for the ability to randomly email that LaRue guy and demand an explanation.

6. Sliver Queen
7/7 for five. Shut up.

5. Kodama of the North Tree
In testing my Nearly Mono Black in Standard, I must have blocked this sumbitch with Ravenous Rats dozens of times. Each time my opponent has said “okay, take five,” which was immediately followed by my slack jawed exclamation “sh**, he tramples, too?!”

4. Spiritmonger
I guess if Pernicious Deed wasn’t around, he wouldn’t have seen much play. And if Mark Furhman wouldn’t have planted the bloody glove, the police would have eliminated O.J. as a suspect and caught the real killer. And if there were no Greek billionaire shipping magnates with sons, Paris Hilton wouldn’t have had sex with every single one of them.

3. Deranged Hermit
In my first PTQ (1999 lol@ me) I faced three rounds of Squirrel Prison. I wonder if playing against back-to-back-to-back net decks (that I later read about in Inquest! — pre net-savvy 4L!) might have played a part in making me the cantankerous bastard that I am today. Probably not, since I beat one of them with mono-Green that featured main deck Lone Wolf, Child of Gaea, Rancored Thran Golems and…

Opponent: Attack with Morphling and the Squirrels.
Me: Lol! Lull!

2. Meloku the Clouded Mirror
Feel free to debate Superman versus Mirror of Victory all you like, but stop.

1. Morphling
A conservative estimate: eighty percent of all Morphing resolutions have won their controller the game. While Meloku is the cat’s ass to be sure, Morphling is the cat’s erect penis, enlarged testicles, and while we’re at it, why not give him the vas deferens and entire scrotal sack, or “bozak” as those kids used to say back when men were men and I woulda done Hilary just ‘cause.

Old kids: Get up offa my bozak, beeyotch! Stab you!
New kids: Sniff, I wish I knew how to quit you, sob cry tears.

Whew, all done. I’m glad there aren’t more days in a week because I’d really have a hard time coming up with something original by the time I got to fifteen mana creatures. Although, Big Daddy Wurm seems good in that slot.

This is the part where I say how much fun it’s been this week and you all go “whatever, gimme decklists!” But it has been, even if committing to this week caused me physical pain — what to write about, omg help me help you.

As such, torn in my suffering pain anguish angst pathos, I bid you a fond farewell, at least until the next time I email Craig and say “sure, pencil me in chief, er, unsend!”

John Friggin’ Rizzo

Warp World, by the way, is fairly gross, and this…

New kids: Sniff, I wish I knew how to quit you, sob cry tears.

… is funny.