This week, SCG Daily brings you a series of interviews, hosted by famous celebrity interviewers. For today’s interview, we have cast Corpse Dance on the one, the only, the inimitable Howard Cosell. Take is away, Howard.
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Hello, This is Howard Cosell. I greatly appreciate this opportunity to be dragged forth from the grave in order to speak with one — or maybe two — of the all- time greats in the history of the game. I refer, of course, to the Dynamic Duo of Dominara, the Toothsome Twosome. Morphling, welcome to the program.
Hi Howard, pleased to be here.
Morphling, let us begin at the beginning. You were created — and I use the term advisedly – to be not just a shapeshifter, but to be the ultimate shapeshifter. Could you tell us how that came about?
Well, in the past Urza, and others, had created a number of shapeshifters. Some of these had serious flaws. Many of them were designed to mimic another form — they were, in effect, self-molding statues. Others were internally consistent, but adaptable. None of them were really effective. They tried a different technique with me.
I was designed and trained to have any and all the necessary skills – and most of the properties – of any other creature I was supposed to mimic. If another creature flew, I flew. If it was strong or fat, I got strong and fat. If it dodged, I dodged. I was trained to do everything, and to do it not only well but better. My philosophy is that “you are what you do” — and if you do it better than anyone else, that’s fine.
You knew a lot of the other shapeshifters. Could you tell us a bit about them?
Sure. They were really a mixed bag. Some of the early ones were not too bright. Take Primal Clay, for example. I mean, he really was dumber than mud. I’m not trying to be funny here, he really was. But Clay was one of the crowd that ran with Clone — and they are considerably older than I am. We never hung out together — they had their friends, I had mine.
Let’s see — who else…
I did like Escaped Shapeshifter. We used to call him the Tofu Zebra. He never much liked civilization. I think he really is happier roaming the Savannah along the Bad River. He’s made that area his home, and he’s pretty shy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him mixing it up in the red zone.
Volrath’s Shapeshifter was really powerful and had the skillz, but he didn’t have the mental toughness to stay in the game. I mean, how many times can you remember seeing him soaking up the punishment and smashing over blockers, when all of a sudden he gets distracted and turns into an elf or a wall or something.
I know exactly what you mean. How well I remember his appearance on the Full English Breakfast team in the finals of PTQ Rockford. He had assumed the aspect of a Flowstone Hellion, tore through the line, activated his powers of growth as he took on the mantle of the Phyrexian Dreadnaught — then suddenly — shockingly — he became a Bird of Paradise and died.
Right — and that was just one example. He kept doing it over and over. If he could have just kept his head in the game, he could have been great. He was good, I have to give him that, but, well…
Mental fortitude is, as it always has been, an essential part of the game. You have always had that mental toughness — to the point that, as many an opponent has noticed, you are practically immune to Terror and even, it seems, to Second Thoughts. Your iron will has made you almost invulnerable to Fireballs and Lightning Bolts as well. How did you come to that level of mastery?
Well, I am not completely immune to those by any means. I mean, if I were to be caught in an Inferno unprepared I’d be just as burned as the next guy. But, if I can see something coming and have a chance to brace myself, I can avoid being hit by almost anything. Like anything else, you develop skills like that by starting with a gift, then working hard for a long time to develop it.
You played on a number of teams throughout your long and storied career. Which team suited you best?
Well, I can do a reasonable job of finishing a game, so long as I get the opportunity to do so. That means I don’t really need a lot of fellow offensive players on the team. Instead, I want a strong defense behind me, to make sure I don’t get blindsided by an Edict or wiped out in a generalized Wrath effect. Of all the teams, I have to admit that I enjoyed wearing a solid Blue jersey the most, although being part of the Ped Bun / Bob Maher Oath of Druids team was a special honor.
I think the record shows that Maher Oath and Accelerated Blue were some of the most successful teams you have carried to victory practically alone. But, despite being pretty much all the offense necessary, you did play with a number of teammates. Who were you happiest playing alongside, and who do you particularly remember?
Well, you mentioned the Oath team. I like the Spike brothers. Spike Weaver, Spike Feeder and I played together on other teams, including Turboland. Crater Hellion also played on the Oath team, but we never really got along. If you’ll pardon the expression, sometimes he really burned my ass.
Some of my best memories, thought, have to be of swinging alongside Mr. “Specimen is Broken” Masticore. We had some great times, but it was almost too easy. Some teams were demoralized before they even took the field. I mean, I know they were outclassed, but they could have tried. It was sad, really. I mean, it wasn’t like Green folks ever had a team back in the day, but they could at least have tried.
Do you regret your absolute and utter dominance of the game for so many years?
Nope. Not for a single minute. If other teams chose to be bad, that’s their problem.
For several years, the masses suffered in the stifling sinkhole of static stagnations known as Stasis. You, however, not only prospered, you excelled in that unenviable environment. Tell me, how did you find such synergy with Stasis?
Ah, Stasis. Stasis is an environment where you do not get any advantages and have no natural methods of getting yourself back up on your feet. You really need to be able to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, as the old saying goes. Fortunately, that’s an ability I have always had. It comes in very handy in many cases, but you cannot survive in Stasis without it.
Unfortunately, Stasis is merely a memory, as is so much of your storied career — but you still have you skills and abilities, and you have even gone digital. Given all that, can we expect to see you on the field again anytime soon?
No, I don’t think so. The game has changed. I’m not even welcome on many teams. I guess I could still play on the senior circuit, but I don’t really want to. Today’s players have too many artificial advantages. Unnatural advantages. I mean, since when are they allowing technology to enhance play? The game used to be about your own abilities and whatever magical enchantments you carried. Not Swords and Masks and whatever a Jitte is. The whole concept of just picking up something that used to belong to someone else is just wrong. Sure, we had weird devices that could let you do that — stuff like Crown of Ages — but having things that just lay around waiting for anything to pick it up? What’s up with that?
Creatures are different, too. I think that can only be attributed to WotC’s relaxed policy on steroids. Look, the creatures that came into the league with me were considered big at 3/3, like Albino Troll, and someone like Phyrexian Negator was considered huge. Sure, we had some monsters in those days, but they were stumblebums like Phyrexian Colossus or Colossus of Sardia. Those hulks weighed a ton, but they couldn’t even get themselves off the floor without help. Now we are supposed to believe that anything can be both athletic and an 11/11 naturally? I don’t think so.
I will agree that the creatures are bigger and stronger today, and that may indeed be due to some assistance from WotC. Setting that aside, do you think today’s players could have played back in the days when Urza and the Weatherlight crew dominated the league? Who would you have wanted on you team?
Like I said, the game was different then. You had to be fast and nimble — and you had to get into action quickly. I can’t even imagine a nine-mana sorcery in that league. We all had to be able to get into play under the counters, and be able to dodge the removal. It was all about being fast. I can imagine someone like Darksteel Colossus having a shot at making the old Maher Oath team — but I cannot see him dodging a Swords to Plowshares to the head. As for guys like Memnarch and Sundering Titan — well, unless someone Tinkers with their metabolism, we would all be in the showers before they finished putting their jerseys on.
I do wish Jushi could have worn the Accelerated Blue jersey, though. It would have been fun to play alongside him.
Mr. Morphling, we have reached the end of turn phase, and the duration of my Corpse Dance is about to expire. Before it does, I just want to say a heartfelt “thank you” for this interview.
You’re welcome, Howard.