John F. Rizzo was lost, but now he’s found. Was blind, but now he sees. Admit it, you missed him. That’s okay. Love takes strength. Caring is not a sign of weakness. Much like being tied up by your dominatrix wife means that you’re really the one in control because you can utter the safe word at any time, and it all ends.
For years, Rizzo was the most popular Magic writer on the ‘net. His stream of consciousness style, profane rants, and epic-length columns channeled Jack Kerouac and Lenny Bruce through Leo Tolstoy, with Richard Garfield as the editor. Then, he was gone. For three and a half years. Yes, other than four pieces, it really was that long.
In the last year, Rizzo came back to writing and had his greatest success as a deck designer, creating the Extended-format-breaking Friggorid deck. This from a guy who played a Battle of Wits deck at 2002 States using Terror, a card that wasn’t legal. See? There’s still hope for you.
One caveat before we get into Rizzo’s answers. The links in this interview were supplied by John F. Rizzo himself. You have been warned.
…
CBR: I’m keeping track of this one… it’s interesting to me that the non-Magic players in the world presume that all Magic players started out as Dungeons & Dragons players. Are you now, or were you ever, a role-playing gamer?
JFR: Long before I went to work for ProLogis as Managing Director, I had a strong dislike for role playing, so much that even to this day Atari games like Raiders of the Lost Ark and Adventure still piss me off. Their “collect this thing,” and “click this button to see what’s behind the door” requirements pushed my patience to the edge. So, obviously I’m a Magic nerd, but at least now I can blame my kid. And there are no things to collect (except cards, whatever), nor doors to see behind, sorta.
You don’t seem like the consummate “spent-my-entire-high-school-existence-locked-in-my-parents-basement-on-a-campaign” either, fruitcake. What gives?
CBR: That’s for later on this week. Good attempt at turning the tables, though. You’re a regular Jay Moldedspam-Sakebar, you know?
You obviously love this game. You left writing about it to pursue other opportunities, and still it sucked you right back in. You’re not the only one, either. What is it about the game that has such a hold on you?
JFR: As the former Senior VP of Business Development at Pediatrix (scroll to the middle of the page and envy my tan), I had plenty of time for introspection. What I discovered was that it’s probably the same thing that has kept you writing an article per week about this game for, oh, the past five years non-freakin’-stop. Which is: define it. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Nevertheless, I’d say it comes down to fear of intimacy. Admit it: you’re afraid of intimacy too.
CBR: Wrong, John. I love intimacy. Intimacy is very important to women. Once I learned to fake intimacy, I started landing the ladies like mad.
For those who don’t follow you as closely as the stalkers do, tell us what you were doing between when you left Magic writing a couple of years ago and when you came back.
JFR: Well, I had a little run in with the Feds, but that’s not something I’m at liberty to discuss. (Framed!) Other than that, I wrote, rewrote, and wrote some more. While there has been little actual “success,” in terms of “awful lots of money,” I’m still pluggin’ away. But I think I might not only be bad at Magic, but bad at writing.
CBR: Oh, come on. You can’t actually think you’re bad at writing. As far as Magic writing goes, you were always at the top of the fan favorite lists. You probably will be this year, too. And I read two of your screenplays. One was quite violent. I liked it a lot! Seriously, do you really think you’re bad at writing? Or is it more like one of those “I could always do better” things?
JFR: First of all, anyone who read the screenplays I posted a few years back please proceed directly to the eraser factory. They were so bad I’m embarrassed anyone ever knew they existed, let alone read them. But that’s part and parcel: suck first; ask questions later; then ask more.
Keep in mind that for each reader who puts me near the top of the fan favorites, there are five more who go “eh” and scroll right past, and another five that outright despise me. With no equivocation, I’m very happy with the ten-to-one ratio. Nevertheless, my stuff is what it is. Sometimes I’m astonished by it, other times I wish I could ctrl/alt/del the entire web.
CBR: You’re a writer of stuff other than Magic, and I know you love movies. What movie have you recently seen that made you ashamed that you’d spent your time and money on it? On the flip side, what have you seen recently that made you want to just grab people and say, “I know you haven’t thought about seeing this, but you must spend a small part of your life, and see this film!”…?
JFR: Interestingly enough, when I went back to school, I saw a number of excellent films in the faculty theater, though the last that made me go “Honey, take the kids to the neighbors, I’m feelin’ all silly!” was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That was, what, more than two years ago?
Most of my current theater experiences are limited to kid-ish flix; that penguin documentary [March of the Penguins] was okay, but I don’t know why the hell everyone was so excited about it. They’re penguins.
My brother, who is the most rabid zombie movie fan ever (he kinda little bit knows Tom Savini and Sam Raimi), suggested Shaun of the Dead. A year-plus later, I finally saw it. You don’t have to be a horror-slash-exploitation aficionado to appreciate the work that went into this. And it all started with the script, which was stellar. I dare you to disagree! [No arguments here. — Craig]
CBR: By the way, I think the answer is “precisely because they’re penguins. Aren’t they soooooo cute?” Who doesn’t wish they had a penguin? Okay, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Shaun of the Dead. Not really two movies most people would think of at the same time. What have you seen that just disgusted you with the fact that it got made?
JFR: Mr. 3000. My wife rented it because it’s a “baseball movie,” and she thought I would enjoy it, despite the presence of Bernie Mac. In the opening scene, Bernie cracks his 3000th hit and promptly retires after the game (in mid-season no less), and tells the reporters and his teammates something like “I gots mine, gg losers!”
This is the hero, yet his selfishness and arrogance are so sickening that’s he beyond redemption. The rest of the film I was praying for him to be crushed under a bus, revived, and then crushed again. He’s a colossal dick to everyone (though they forgive him so every time, because they’re mere plot points), until the end, where he sacrifices his goal for a teammate and cue happy music. Only in Hollywood.
CBR: Ah, Hollywood. Speaking of that oasis of virtue, you’re a family man, married many years with kids. What romance advice do you have for the quintessential Magic player, i.e. a lonely guy who hasn’t dated much but would someday like to be involved physically with a woman?
JFR: While it is quite simple to pick up chyx when you’re an established photojournalist, the one thing I can say that never fails is not trying to be cool. Being yourself works wonders, and it’s amazing how much grief two people can avoid when neither pretends.
I think this is one of the reasons I get stupid when there are chyx at tourneys. They are infinitely more sexy because they play Magic, and if you were trying to be cool or put on an imagine that represented something you weren’t, the absolute last place on earth you would go is to a Magic tourney.
Still, envision playing Magic for a couple hours, then playing the rest of the night wink wink nudge nudge. There were a few paragraphs in Wakefield’s book about this, mostly about how awesome it was to play Magic with The L to the Mare for hours, then hit the sheets for more hours – and how much closer it brought them.
So there: find someone who shares your passion, or find a passion that you can both can learn and experience together. I don’t know, reading my archives, gardening, skydiving, skiing, whatever; this will make it so much easier for you, as a couple, to discover new passions and grow together. Wow, I am the absolute gayest sumbitch I ever knew.
This is the part where you agree, and we bond like only men very secure in their sexuality can.
CBR: I heart you, too, John. Speaking of being secure in your sexuality, you’re going down in a plane. (Heh.) There are two parachutes left but three people still on board: you; the guy who wrote Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s Boat Trip; and Stacey Sanchez. Who gets the parachutes?
JFR: During my stint as a Maltese police commissioner, I was actually faced with a similar situation. Without getting into details, I saved the chyk. However, in this particular instance, I guess I’d save the Boat Trip writer. Then I could ask him why the hell people pay Cuba in real actual money to act.
I figure Stacey Sanchez to be fake and superficial in many different ways, and not particularly intelligent. I likes ‘em smart, strong, mature, or some combination, which is why I saved the chyk during that fateful flight over the Himalayas. Of course, she did say that if she died and I was about to starve, I could eat her.
CBR: I, uh, I… hmmmmmm. I’ll just move on to the next question. I’ve found that I learn the most from my mistakes. Anyone can say “That worked. I should keep doing that” even when they don’t have a clue about what they’re doing. Most of my supervisors and bosses come to mind. But mistakes have a way of really teaching you a lesson. What mistake have you learned the most from?
JFR: When I was writing my best-selling book, I decided not to include a chapter on things I might do differently if I could. However, if I could take a major mulligan, I would have paid more attention when I played at CMU, especially now, when I take a look at R&D and see practically everyone from the team making the game.
While I learned a lot, it’s damn near a sin compared to what I could have learned. Now that I’m in Maine, I’m trying to make amends. I ask more questions and pay attention to games and plays in particular. True, there are few CMU-level players here, but there are plenty of guys who are better than me, which equals an opportunity that I intend to take advantage of.
CBR: So, given what you didn’t learn at CMU, would it be safe to say that you’d tell newer players “Stop whining about manascrew or how lucky your opponent was, sit the freak down, and study their moves”?
JFR: I’d tell (and have told) experienced players that. I tell myself that, even if I don’t whine (much) (at least in public). While beating yourself up for your mistakes or the perceived black cloud over your head is commonplace, how you apply the lessons likely plays a large role in improving much more than your game.
I’d suggest that new players suck it up because it can take a long freakin’ time to get good, and that’s only if you bust your ass, though I’d do it nicely because today’s newbs are tomorrow’s Pro Player cards.
CBR: Collect the entire set! *ahem* It seems that everyone thinks they were a king or queen in a past life, at least those people who believe in such things. There can’t have been that many kings and queens. Do you think you were a king in a past life, or someone else?
JFR: I don’t believe in that stuff, mostly, but I did discover that I was or am a D.J. in what is likely not a past life, but a current life on a parallel plane. Speaking of planes, I’d like to ship my earlier answer back: I’d save what’s-her-face, but only if she told me that if she died and I was starving to death, I could eat her.
CBR: That’s twice you’ve mentioned that… Are you hungry?
JFR: Yes, Chris, I’m hungry. That’s it.
CBR: If you want to “grab” something, I can wait here. [Two-and-one-half minutes later.] Everyone has idols in their field, people that really get them going. What writers do you like the most? Who do you read (or watch their movies or plays) and wish, “Man, I wish I could do that”?
JFR: I can’t say I throw around the word “idol” much, but I’d like to be able to analyze like Zvi, tell a story like Rosewater, and have as much passion as Forsythe. Non-Magically, Mamet is, of course, God; Charlie Kaufmann ain’t shabby either; and Peter North is simply the man.
[Romeo’s edit: For those of you who don’t know who Peter North is, he’s an “actor.”]
CBR: Recently, you broke several formats – Extended, Vintage, Standard, Two-Headed Giant, Mental Magic, and Two-on-One, just to name a few – with your invention of the deck called Friggorid. For budding deck designers, what should they look for when naming a deck?
JFR: The best way to name a deck is to combine two of the most pertinent cards or mechanics into a silly, nonsensical word that actually makes sense. Excellent examples include: ErhnaGeddon, BlastoGeddon, RecSur, ProsBloom, UbaStax, RavAffinity and GhaziGlare. Another option is the one-word-name based on the most important card, such as Tinker, Bargain, Oath, Necro, and Academy.
CBR: What famous Magic players would you like to play against, whether it was sanctioned or not? It’s okay to say “Romeo,” too.
JFR: Mike Long, Trey Van Cleave, Casey McCarrell, Ryan Fuller, and anyone else who brings more than their game to the table. Then when I wrote in my report that I was savagely cheated, it would actually be true. Probably. Romeo, too.
CBR: You’re too sweet. I’d even let you beat me. There, now if we ever play, and I lose, I can say, “I said I’d let him win.” And if I win, I can say “Ooooo, ooooo, in your face! I beat you! How ya like them apples?” Not really. I’d just say “good game,” but inside I’d be all “Woo hoo! I just beat Mike Flores!”
JFR: Here’s the thing: when you have a, er, “working relationship” with someone over a period of well, it’s been years for us, when you finally sit down and play, there is a tangible sense of … [a word that does not yet exist]. [Romeo’s edit: Those were Rizzo’s brackets, not Craig’s.]
If you and I sat down, even if I’m positive that Luanne would bake brownies to try to make the boys comfy, it’s likely that one or both of us would still be in “Internet Mode,” which is to say, we’ve both sort of acquired an online personality that may or may not have any semblance to who we are in “real life.”
Take OMC for example. I got the feeling he despised me (or at least my articles) in the beginning, but eventually I felt we formed a sort of (and OMC would probably cringe) respect for each other. When we met in Detroit, thirty seconds before we actually played in a feature match, it felt much more than surreal. It was like “hey,” and “sup?” and “well, this is weird. Okay . . . now what?”
If and/or when I bump into Wakefield in Boston, I’m sure it’ll be the same, but hopefully I’ll beat the ever-lovin’ piss out of him so he can write “Rizzo is a lucksack” in his report.
CBR: Vegas or Yellowstone?
JFR: There was a point in my life where I thought if I could make it to Vegas, I’d be ready to take on the world. Flash forward fifteen years later, and if I were to go to Vegas, I think I’d puke on general principle.
Likewise, if I ever went to Yellowstone, I’d insist Ranger Smith took me to visit Yogi so I could suggest that if his lazy ass got a job, he could buy his own freakin’ food, and maybe even a pic-a-nic basket.
CBR: You seem to have issues with freeloading cartoon animals. Have you met a lot of talking animals, cartoon or otherwise? If so, under what medicinal conditions did that occur? Or is it an ongoing thing?
JFR: When the kids are in bed, and the wifey’s snuggled up reading a book, sometimes I sneak up to my room and watch . . . SpongeBob Squarepants. Make of that what you will.
CBR: Since I don’t have PhD in industrial psychology like some Magic writers, and since my DVD shelf is chock full o’ Ren & Stimpy, Futurama, Family Guy, Simpsons, and Samurai Jack, I will simply say, “I think that’s swell.”
Color or Black & White?
JFR: There is no way to answer this without offending someone. As you very well know, I would never say anything that could be construed as offensive.
CBR: I understand. You are a paragon of political correctness. Why, when speaking of women, you even used the proper term “chyk” instead of “chick,” “broad,” or “dame.” You da man.
God-given talent or surgically enhanced?
JFR: gg (obv)
CBR: Blonde, brunette, or redhead?
JFR: Have as many blondes as you can before you marry a brunette and take a redheaded mistress.
CBR: Luanne says that I’m no longer allowed to speak to you. I’m not whipped, though, so I’m going to keep asking you questions. Just hurry up before she catches me.
JFR: I hope she doesn’t take me literally. Heh, “take me.” “Have as many blondes” is a euphemism for “take time to smell the roses” which means . . . who the hell am I kidding, there really is no dignified way out of this, is there?
As much as peeps may think I’m quite the pig, I’m really not. If I could go back, I would have abstained until marriage and insisted that my bride deserved to wear white. But chyx are so freakin’ hot, man.
CBR: Of all of the things you’ve ever written, that may have been the most dead on.
Paper or plastic?
JFR: I’m glad you’re still trying to relive your glorious days of bagging groceries, but a Magic strategy site is not the proper forum. You got no shortage of balls, what with dredging up instances from your shady past that no one cares about. What nerve.
CBR: You mentioned dredging. We get the hint. You invented Friggorid which abuses the Dredge mechanic in conjunction with Ichorid. Blah blah blah. This begs the question: will you try to innovate more, or, as Joseph Heller did with Catch-22, will you just ride that one success forever, constantly telling people “I’m John Friggin’ Rizzo. I invented Friggorid”?
JFR: I’ve always tried to innovate, rarely with any success, but never before did I have two to three solid months to do nothing but work on one idea. And I still went 3-4, and was in the process of making the deck into a complete pile by adding Bob and Putrefy to the mix, before Sotto went and did his thing.
As much as I would like to rest on laurels that are only partially mine, I think peeps will get sick of it within, oh, three to five years. Thus, I must be Johnny Grindstone, not because I want to break every format in existence (though I do), but because I have to. If you’re not moving forward, you’re moving back, and I’m here to tell you I’ve done my share of moonwalking.
CBR {Pondering Friggin’ Rizzo in a red leather jacket, wearing one glove}: Oh, um, Claymation or CGI?
JFR: Whichever one Mr. Bill was.
CBR: Since computers hadn’t been invented back then, I’m pretty sure that Mr. Bill was claymation. So, did you like Nightmare Before Christmas, The Corpse Bride, or Wallace & Gromit?
JFR: Actually, they had, but whatever, Mr. Science Book. I hate everything Tim Burton has ever touched, and while I really tried to like his low-light, macabre-and-dark-as-hell, zombies-rool-but-I-won’t-use-real-zombies-well-sorta films, I couldn’t. Oddly though, I found W&G to be fairly entertaining, mostly because the eggs did.
CBR: They had computers in the 1970’s? Really? Huh. Go figure. Anyway, I’ll refrain from editorializing on the brilliant and visionary Tim Burton and just say “Gromit rules.” Word.
Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn?
JFR: Ann Coulter. I likes ‘em smart. Or mature. Or Conservative.
CBR: I have to admit, I know more than one person who would like to tie up and gag Ann Coulter.
Spring, Summer, Winter, or Fall?
JFR: Boy, it sure is a hot one today. Think I’ll take a dip in the pool! By the way, Merry Christmas! I’ll never get it. Ever.
CBR: I don’t think I follow that. Clearly, you’re too artistic for me.
Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim or Comedy Central’s South Park and Drawn Together?
JFR: I don’t have cable. Sad, I know.
CBR: No cable? What do you do when you can’t play Magic or have sex?
JFR: Sex is only for special occasions. At least that’s what the wifey says, but she has yet to give me a list of the specific dates of said occasions. Other than working, playing with the “accidents but sort of on purpose,” and random family guy stuff because the kids must be involved in every extracurricular activity ever invented so long as the organization has something to sell, my time is very well regimented: write; surf the web at blistering speeds of up to 43K (on a good day); and write some more. Oh, and masturbation.
CBR: Please, keep both hands on the keyboard for the rest of this interview. Thank you so very much.
Edward James Olmos or Lorne Greene?
JFR: Lee van Cleef could kick both their asses, even though I think he’s dead. Maybe.
CBR: But Van Cleef never captained the Battlestar: Galactica. Did he?
Is bald really more beautiful, or just more convenient?
JFR: I look like a sex toy with ears – does that sound convenient to you? Of course, you probably know what it’s like due to having a ‘stache that grants you a one-year membership in the Ron Jeremy 4 Life Fan Club.
[Romeo’s edit: Like Peter North, Ron Jeremy is an “actor.”]
CBR: Everyone wants to know if that’s your real name. So, let’s set the record straight. Is your name really John?
JFR: That’s an interesting question, Mr. “Romeo.”
CBR: Moving on… I know that you know how this works. It’s a Desert Island Top Ten. You’re going to be stranded on a deserted island for a year, but you have electricity to run an entertainment center and all the food you need. What ten DVDs do you bring? Or CDs, or books? Whatever you want. You’re the one being stranded for a year.
JFR: As much as I hate people, without human interaction I’m sure I’d die. If there is no one to hate, then I’d be stuck hating myself, might actually learn something about who I am and experience actual growth… It’s just easier to hate people than look inward. This explains why Tom Hanks and Wilson got along so famously.
The things you mentioned are not enough to prevent insanity that leads to one lonely ass death on a deserted island surrounded by obscene and anatomically correct sand statues of the short-haired chyk on Law & Order: SVU. However, if I was taken away like that, who would keep my fellow Rotarians in line?
CBR: Thanks for your time. We love you, Conrad. Yes we do.
…
Tomorrow, an interview with another MagicTheGathering.com columnist, former Virginia State Champ, and StarCityGames.com columnist, Bennie Smith.