Astrology is defined as "a pseudoscience, claiming to foretell the future by the supposed influence of the stars, planets, etc. on human affairs." When one is born, he’s categorized into one of twelve zodiac signs that always remain the same – and because of his birthdate, certain things are bound to be true about his personality and life.
Scientists don’t hold much credibility to astrology; they say it’s just a fluke. However, many (a majority being teenage girls) live by the zodiac signs and memorize them week to week. Something as widespread as to be found in so many magazines must have SOMETHING going for it. So, therefore, I present to you Magiscopes.
Magiscopes reflect the pseudoscience of Grubwology. According to Grubwology, the deck you play is related to your personality. (Note that Grubwology is a direct descendent of astrology, and as such has many aspects, including symbols, of striking similarity.) The "science" is little-known in the Magic community, so I take it upon myself to relate to you the relatively new discovery that is Grubwology.
(Before I even begin, know that this is meant all in good fun. I mean to offend no one; don’t take my words too seriously.)
Aquarius – Astrology: Water Bearer; Grubwology: Waterfront Bouncer
Personality – You are an MBC player. You relish in the lack of broken cards and the mundane card pool. You quiver in fear as you ponder the threat of combos lurking just over the horizon, but as long as you steer clear of the Artifacts Cycle, you’ll be okay. Although you’re crafty and creative, you generally underestimate the world. When you begin the next block and realize that there’s some broken combo involving an enchantment and Disenchant wasn’t reprinted in Invasion, you’ll most likely go raving mad.
Advice – This week, avoid all Gemini. Your best friend this week is Capricorn.
Pisces – Astrology: Fishes; Grubwology: Fishes
Personality – You are a rogue player. You didn’t choose to play Fish because it was severely metagamed; you chose to play it because you feel that every color deserves a good beatdown deck. When Replenish, Accelerated Blue, and Stampy run wild, you play a black/green denial deck that you designed with cards you own. You fear victory and are shallow on the inside. Your need to prove yourself in deck construction far outweighs your desire to win. You prefer casual settings, and losses don’t really bother you. Although you frequently degrade those around you who play ‘Net decks, you secretly wish that you had the guts to acquire four Rishadan Ports and build one.
This week – You will discover the power that is Stronghold Gambit, and you will build a deck out of it. It will feature Ostracize and Greel, Mind Raker to rid your opponent of creatures in order to let you play Shrouded Serpent for free. Because of your last minute splash of Pale Moon, you will lose every game you play. "Just because I have four of them" is not a good reason to play with a card.
Advice – This week, avoid all Cancer. Your best friend this week is Libra.
Aries – Astrology: Ram; Grubwology: Sheep
Personality – You are a Stampy player. You crave speed and beats. You have a fear of commitment; if a game lasts more than ten minutes, you become unstable. You frantically think of your decklist and wonder if there’s anything you can do about an enchantment or an artifact. "Crumbling Sanctuary? What does that do? More importantly, how did something with a casting cost of five hit the table? Grim Monolith? What is this non-land, non-creature mana source doing in Magic?" These thoughts run through your head. However, you think them only occasionally as you most often plow through your opponents and don’t even look behind you in order to see how many pieces you left behind.
This week – Your first match at a tournament will be against cards such as Master Healer, Staunch Defenders, and War Tax that totally thwart you. Your next match will be against a rebel deck that doesn’t CAST its creatures. You quiver in fear until your next match; as soon as a swamp is laid, you will run out of the room with your arms above your head, screaming.
Advice – This week, avoid all Capricorn. Your best friend this week is Virgo.
Taurus – Astrology: Bull; Grubwology: Nomad
Personality – You are a dirty, foul Ponza player! You are sadistic in your slow victories over every opponent that comes against you. You relish in the immense power of perfection such as Avalanche Riders, and you aren’t afraid to sacrifice your soul in order to embrace the dark power of the Ponza Gods. Victory comes second nature to you, and if you suffer a loss, you attribute it to mana screw and look anew at the horizon. There, you will find more victims to torment with your limitless power.
This week – You will attend a Standard tournament with top prize of $5,000. There will be eight rounds of Swiss. You will promise yourself that you will never give up. You face: Stampy, Stampy, Rebels, Rebels, Rebels, Bargain, Ponza, and a Fish deck played by a Pisces. You will lose every match. Serves you right, you dirty Ponza player!
Advice – This week, avoid all Virgo. Your best friend this week is Sagittarius.
Gemini – Astrology: Twins; Grubwology: Doppleganger
Personality – You are a Type I player. You have a lack of respect for proper rules. You have an addiction to power; Lotuses, Moxen, Djinn, and Time are all common components of your collection, and your guard them with your life. You are wizened in the ways of the game, and you remember the "good old days." However, when questioned about the "stack" or the latest errata on Parallax Wave, you simply recite the quote from Black Knight and move on. You scoff at the current storyline, and you wish that Urza still had the two heads that he was intended to have while fighting his headless brother, Mishra.
This week – You will take a copy of The Deck (featuring a mint collection of the Power Nine) to a Type I tournament. You will lose one game – to a deck made out of Rath Cycle commons. You will turn your nose at the twelve-year-old as you purchase your fourth Juzam Djinn with your prize money.
Advice – This week, avoid all Scorpio. Your best friend this week is Leo.
Cancer – Astrology: Crab; Grubwology: Horseshoe Crab
Personality – You are a combo player. Your favorite cards are Time Spiral, Memory Jar, Yawgmoth’s Bargain, and Replenish. It’s because of people like you that innocent cards like Lotus Petal were banned. Every morning, you offer sacrifices up to your Dark Lord, Yawgmoth. When a game lasts more than five turns, you become uneasy. Power comes as naturally to you as the color green comes to ferns. You detest sideboards, and you only have one in order to combat your opponent’s.
This week – You will go to a tournament and write a report. Your report will look like this: "I played Replenish. You know the deck. Games 1 – 16: I go off. Props . . ."
Advice – This week, avoid all Taurus. Your best friend this week is Aries.
Well, upon having typed up this much, I realize that relating to you the science of Grubwology is going to take two weeks. Therefore, the second half of the Grubwologic Zodiac shall be revealed to you in a week’s time. Until then, everyone’s horoscope follows:
Tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Follow that game plan until you see, posted on Star City, MAGISCOPES, Part II. Then, you can break your daily routine and return once again to the land of Grubwology. Until then!