Interview With Kresh The Bloodbraided

In an ongoing StarCityGames.com exclusive series, we have the rare opportunity to sit down with another of Commander’s preeminent generals. Be very afraid of what you’re going to read.

Our man in the box was once again intrepid reporter Zanzibar Jones, who filed this report:

"It was righteous for us that Kresh lives right next door to SCG writer Sheldon Menery. We got to hang out together poolside, raid the wine cellar, and chill with some of the Tampa crew, including Iceberg Slim, Affirmative Action, and Punkin Pie. Unfortunately, Grape Soda Leon was still in Seattle. Or doing another stretch that we won’t talk about.  

The interview took place poolside at Sheldon’s house. While Kresh and I sat outside, Sheldon made us some goat cheese and roasted red pepper-stuffed portabellas. Kresh was far more low-key than I expected. I had thought to find a Keith Richards-meets-Crispin Glover-played by-Russell Brand character, and what I found was something completely different."

SCG:  Thanks for…

Kresh:  Dude, pass me some of that trail mix.

SCG:  Sure. What made you move to Florida?

Kresh:  Good deals on nice houses right now, the great weather most of the year, and my bro living right next door is sauce. We hang a lot, play in the Armada League and stuff, and he and his wife love to cook. Have you seen her? That’s one fine looking woman. Not that I’d be checking out my main man’s lady or anything.

SCG:  When did you move down?

Kresh:  Since like last year. It’s been skeever.

SCG:  Skeever?

Kresh:  Yeah, like the rats from Skyrim.

SCG:  What does that even mean?

Kresh:  Dude, if you don’t know, there’s nothing I can tell you that will make you understand.

SCG:  This is going to be that kind of interview isn’t it?

Kresh:  Hey, your funeral.

SCG:  You’ve changed a bit since you first became Bloodbraided, it seems.

Kresh:  Yeah, I’ve chilled. I used to love cracking it into the Red Zone every chance. Now, I like to sit back some, groove on some Phish and maybe some Marley, build up counters, and then go for it in one big swoop. It’s less work, and it gives me time to catch up on episodes of Weeds. Mary-Louise Parker rocks.

SCG:  But you don’t mind the rest of your followers still being pretty aggressive most of the time.

Kresh:  No, whatever floats your boat is what I say. Well, I don’t literally say it. I don’t even literally mean it, but that message should be clear.

SCG:  You were part of the recent test with Kokusho, the Evening Star.

Kresh:  Mmm, Kokopuffs. Chocolatey goodness.

SCG:   What did you find out?

Kresh:  She was pretty strong, but not as broken as she once was. I think dudes are getting way better, and compared to some of the stuff getting into the mix today, I’d say she’s fine.

SCG:  What do you think will happen with her next week?

Kresh:  She’s a moon sign with Archimedes rising, so you never know.

SCG:  I think you mean Aquarius.

Kresh:  Oh, so you’re a bit of an alchemist, then?

SCG:  Astrologer is what you’re looking for there, but no. Moving on, you’ve recently cut Melira, Sylvok Outcast from the Kresh army, making her truly an Outcast. What happened?

Kresh:  I’ve been buds with Woodfall Primus forever, and we’re always going to be tight. He makes me a stronger person, you know? But him and Melira, they got all infinite and stuff, and nothing should be infinite except infinity. And Batman Forever.

SCG:  So you cut her loose?

Kresh:  I was like, "No hard feelings, okay?" Then I talked to my bro Animar and got her a better gig as one of his 99. She runs better over there, and she’s happy, so I’m happy.

SCG:  You’ve also recently dropped Madrush Cyclops. What led to that?

Kresh:  I will always be bros with Madrush. Just a few weeks ago we went to a Cheech and Chong marathon together. (laughs) Sergeant Stedenko. Anyway, since we were cutting back the Red Zone stuff, I figured we could move in other directions. We still have Urabrask anyway, and that guy SHREDS! Disciple of Bolas is filling in where Madrush used to. I’d prefer it if he was a Zombie instead of Human, but what are you going to do?

SCG:  Why is that?

Kresh:  Because Humans are not bros with Mikaeus.

SCG:  Yes, you’ve taken some criticism for adding Mikaeus to the group. Some folks think he’s a little broken.

Kresh:  He’s solid, but I don’t like that hat. Gives me the creeps. Plus he’s all into that opera pipe organ stuff… (laughs) Heh, organ… (laughs again) Which is cool I suppose. Doesn’t do it for me. When I want big music, it’s Emerson, Lake, and Palmer. He’s great with the rest of the dudes, though. He’s super cool with Anathemancer. And he gets dudes to come back instead of staying dead. Who isn’t down with that?

SCG:  There are a couple of other new additions to the team as well.

Kresh:  For sure. Malignus came along, and I was all, "Whoa, that dude is boss!" Even though some of the rest of us are holding back, that guy is attacking all the time. Harvester of Souls was an easy pick up. He lets more and more of the team to get into the game.

SCG:  But you had to say good-bye to an old friend to make room for him.

Kresh:  Yeah, Khabal Ghoul wasn’t happy, hadn’t been for a while. It wasn’t that he was sad to be here, but he was like, "I’m a Zombie, there’s only one of me, and I need to be with my own kind for a while," so he joined up with Lord of Tresserhorn.

SCG:  Were you happy to see Hamletback Goliath reprinted in M13?

Kresh:  Dude, totally! He’s been the star for us for a long time.

SCG:  You say "dude" a lot.

Kresh:  Dude! I totally never say that. You say it more than I do!

SCG:  No, I say "my brother." And you just said it again.

Kresh:  Whatever floats your boat.

SCG:  I read that you did some traveling recently.

Kresh:  Yeah, we went to Seattle for the Players Championship and had good times and good coffee. We went to the World Magic Cup at Gen Con, which is always ridiculous. They know how to party in Indy, especially the people who dress up. Some of the cosplay people make my eyes burn, but they’re mostly righteous. We went to the Weber Grill Restaurant, and the pork loin wasn’t the only thing that was, um… Wait, this is like a family show and stuff isn’t it?

SCG:  We have some decency standards, yes.

Kresh:  Then I want to tell all the kids out there to eat their vegetables. And pizza flavored Goldfish. I could go for some of those right now.

SCG:  Is there anyone you’ve been thinking about adding to the team but haven’t yet pulled the trigger on?

Kresh:  Xathrid Demon. That dude would totally be bros.

SCG:  You said it again.

Kresh:  I’d say it less if I had pizza flavored Goldfish.

SCG:  So Xathrid Demon…

Kresh:  Yeah, I’ve been reading a lot of philosophy lately, and there’s an economic principle called "creative destruction" that says in order to build some things, you have to destroy others. The whole cycle of life thing. Wait, that wasn’t a book; that was an episode of "The West Wing." Did you know that when he was filming Apocalypse Now, Martin Sheen actually killed a bunch of Viet Cong dudes? I think that’s called method acting. Anyway, Xathrid Demon fits into that model, only it’s more like "destructive destruction" because you’re sacrificing something to destroy life totals.

SCG:  Martin Sheen did not kill anyone filming that movie or any other.

Kresh:  That’s what the liberal media wants you to think.

SCG:  What?

Kresh:  Yeah, it’s a vast conspiracy. Rachel Maddow and the Rand Corporation. Have you ever noticed how sometimes she has nerd glasses and sometimes she doesn’t? I mean, if you’re going to rock the nerd glasses—which she does—you should just stick with it. Nerd is the new cool. Anyway, when she’s not wearing the glasses, it’s a signal to the operatives out in the field to blame hurricanes on gay marriage.

SCG:  That wasn’t Rachel Maddow; that was from The Newsroom.

Kresh:  She does the news. In a room.

SCG:  Let’s get back to the game. We’ve already talked about your strategy moving from one based on the Red Zone, but we haven’t covered where it’s moved to. Not surprisingly in your colors, it’s the graveyard.

Kresh:  I’ve loved the idea of Living Death for a while, but now with super bros like Flayer of the Hatebound, it’s just over the top. We work that creative destruction with things like Greater Good and Grim Backwoods. Hey, did you ever notice that nonbasic land names…

SCG:  Don’t go there.

Kresh:  Okay. So a big Living Death brings back all these guys, Hamletback Goliath gets giant, and BOOM!

SCG:  Are you worried about graveyard hate?

Kresh:  I’m worried about all kinds of hate. People should love each other more.

SCG:  It’s just an expression.

Kresh:  And we should expression more love.

SCG:  Doesn’t Withered Wretch and the like kind of wreck your day?

Kresh:  Kind of. I’ve thought about calling up Riftsweeper to see if she’s free to join up, just in case. We prefer to live out of the ‘yard, but we can still just swing like normal if we need to. Lord of Extinction is pretty good at that.

SCG:  But "Boom Tube" doesn’t have any evasion or trample.

Kresh:  That’s what Kessig Wolf Run is for. Did you know that "Wolf Run" comes from the annual migration of wolves? I think they go to Capistrano.

SCG:  I think that’s swallows. They’re birds, which are not wolves.

Kresh:  Bird-wolves would be scary, even to me. Think about it. They’d have a choice of what to do to your face: peck OR claw. Maybe both. Scary.

SCG:  Let’s talk about the upcoming Return to Ravnica. Ravnica was before your time. Are you interested in visiting?

Kresh:  Cities are more interesting to me these days than they used to be, so yeah. I like libraries. I even talked to someone *cough* (looks over his shoulder at Sheldon, who is at the moment muddling some fresh mint from the garden to make juleps for all of us) about unbanning Library of Alexandria, but that was a huge no-go. Ever seen that face he gives you when he doesn’t like something you just said? Totally not bros.

Back to cities, even though white and blue are outside my colors, I love me some Hallowed Fountains. The fact that Rob Alexander didn’t do any of the art is harshing my mellow, but what are you gonna do?

SCG:  As of now, about 80 cards have been officially spoiled. Anything that you have your eye on?

Kresh:  First, I want to tell everyone on the team that we’re cool. You’re doing a great job. The only thing bugging me is about Mimic Vat—the token gets exiled, which doesn’t do me any good. I mean, sure, if I have a sacrifice outlet for it that’s cool, but it generally costs mana and you have to do stuff. It’s like real effort. I’d rather chill a little and do stuff that doesn’t cost anything. That’s why I’m thinking about going back to Altar of Dementia. I wouldn’t mind replacing Avalanche Riders with Ravenous Baboons, because who doesn’t like monkeys, but for one, it doesn’t come shiny, and two, not paying the echo buffs me up a little.

I was checking out the Card Image Gallery and saw some Hottentots. First guy that caught my eye was Jarad, Golgari Lich Lord. I was like, "Dude! You’re so wild!" I called him up right away, and he was like "Muaaaooooooaaaaaaaaaan," which I figured meant "I’m totally down!" in Zombie language. He’s like a finisher with Boom Tube, you know? Totally solid.

I was stoked about Worldspine Wurm and then figured out he can’t really end up in the graveyard. I still want to think about him a little because he’s pretty boss. It’d be a slice to sacrifice him to Greater Good, get the little Wurms, and then draw him on the fifteen. Gatecreeper Vine might be okay if there are cool gatelands down the road, but it doesn’t do much for me right now.

There are two enchantments that rock pretty hard. Death’s Presence can help me be lethal pretty fast, but I’m not sure what I’d take out. I haven’t really done much with Feed the Pack, so I don’t want to just dump it yet because, you know, Wolves. Did you know they actually genetically mutated like 50 years ago and have metal skeletons?

SCG:  You’re confusing them with Wolverine from the X-Men.

Kresh:  Heh. Huge Ackman.

SCG:  You were saying there are two enchantments so far that you like?

Kresh:  Oh yeah, the one that makes dudes fight!

SCG:  Guild Feud.

Kresh:  Yeah! Battle! You get a guy, I get a guy. Then they battle, and I get stronger. It’s awesome! Problem is still taking out something. I can’t take out any of my bros for it because bros have to battle. Battlin’ Bros. Could be wrestlers. Oh, and that overload mechanic is (sings) RIGHTEOUS! I’m also thinking some about Vraska, the Unseen. Me and Garruk have been bros for a long time, so maybe it’s time to just change up on the planeswalkers.

SCG:  You might actually say "bro" even more than "dude." 

Kresh:  Bro. Brosephus. Bro-hammer. My Little Brony.

SCG:  Back to Return to Ravnica, have you seen anything so far that you don’t like?

Kresh:  Nothing yet. I’m trying not to hate too much, you know, but I’ve been losing that battle for a while now when it comes to Angel of Jubilation. That SWF can shampoo my crotch.

SCG:  That’s as good a place as any to stop. Thanks for your time. I assume I’m supposed to say something about Embracing the Chaos right here.

Kresh:  Dude. Be a bro.