I Didn’t Get My Funk

"If I don’t get my funk, I turn into a grump. Then I start calling people ‘Fool’." -Mr. T, and the OMC "He brings the Holy War: JIHAD." -Said about Paul Atreidies, and to a lesser extent, the OMC I come to you this week with empty hands. All of my well-laid plans have shambled…

"If I don’t get my funk, I turn into a grump. Then I start calling people ‘Fool’."

-Mr. T, and the OMC

"He brings the Holy War: JIHAD."

-Said about Paul Atreidies, and to a lesser extent, the OMC

I come to you this week with empty hands. All of my well-laid plans have shambled apart, as they usually do. Nothing but troublegum.

Instead of doing the honourable thing and opting out of writing this week, I’m going to squeeze whatever whey I can muster from the dregs of my humdrum life.

I had it all figured out. I was going to swallow my pride (that’s a seven-course meal, folks) and churn out a tournament report from this last weekend’s Nemesis prerelease. Granted, I was going to do my best to follow the stringent guidelines I set out for fledgling authors, but I was still expecting to feel quite the patsy.

Well, my penchant for unconsciousness won out again, and I ended up sleeping through the Prerelease, and almost literally at that. It left me resigned to drivel my way through another mediocre outing.

I tell you, if this world doesn’t get crazy soon, I’m going to settle into a nice coma.

My unlikely rescue has come at the hands of myriad online publications, tugging at my irritation until it flowered into outrage. Thus, this week will be a series of mouth-frothy yellings. What can I say? I’m a Beacon of Truth.

A Beacon, I say.

You heard me!

I may be selfish and egotistical, but I’m decidedly disinterested, so there’s no reason for me to lie to you, dear reader. Others apparently have such a reason, damned if I can figure it out. But fear not! I’m here to scatter the shadows of misdirection with the flame of my own self-interest.

Today’s perverse act of aggrandizement will amount to reaching out across the aether with my bile-filled syringe, puncturing the balloons of other internet authors.

Now would be a good time to note that the vacuity of my writing protects me from such deflation. What could they say? Maybe "That OMC, he’s got problems in his nibbly-widgets.", or "One time, I saw the OMC buy drapes, and no fooling!", or "OMC, I’m totally junked up right now. Could you go to the docks for me and God, I don’t know.".

For starters, let me get this off my chest. Regarding the *three* Necro/Donate decks (all inferior "I have but one Trix" versions), each of which failed to qualify at PTQ New York last week:

Bwa ha ha hah! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my! Hah! I mean, hee hee, oh, ho, ha ha, ho. Hoooo. Whoooo.

Oh my.

I mean, I really would be eating my hat if they had succeeded, but they did not. Justice, sweet, bitter justice. I love it.

No Perish in the board = lose to Secret Force, and furthermore, any deck packing the Lyrist. I can’t believe that supposing your only answer to turn one Elvish Lyrist is Force of Will + Blue card, and given an environment flush with green decks, you wouldn’t board Perish in your black-based deck.

Think about that: Turn one Lyrist, you don’t have a Force, you have to pack up and go home. Is that a tournament-winning deck?

Their answer was this: 2 Mana Short. Dystopia is not an answer, trust me. They’ll have too many permanents for it to matter. Better to cast Perish and then win. We all know which Necro/Donate deck boards Perish, right?

Am I the only one that thinks DDDI is better? Help me out here.

That’s the irritation talking, I assure you. I don’t have a thing against them *personally*, but it sticks in my craw to have, in my possession, a better version of a popular deck, and not see it get the recognition it deserves. Much like my stellar prose goes relatively unnoticed around here.

Well, I’ll eat a *little* crow. It’s true that "Trix" (cringe) was the best deck to play at GP Manila, due to the nonexistence of counter decks. In a straight beatdown environment, the pure combo version is better. I’ll grant that. That, and no more.

Aside from that one event, this weaker deck has always been a bridesmaid, and never a bride. Which is great. It sets the stage for something wonderful. For me.

Here’s a little snippet of my life right now: two different classes this week have given me a strong compulsion to just stab pens directly into my eyes. So much better to spend my time screaming and bleeding than listening to *people*.

It was The Champ who first introduced me to the idea of using "Human Being" as an insult. Granted, it’s reserved for extreme situations. Usually, the general form "Humanity" will suffice.

The amazing thing about it is that unlike other insults, this one is inclusionary rather than exclusionary. When you call someone a Human Being, you simultaneously force yourself to identify with them.

So too, when I deprecate other authors, I lower my own standing.

I swear I’m going sink the lot of us. Dragged down to the bottom of a sunless sea, to die, alone.

And now, topical levity.

Eric Taylor sez:

"Not too long ago, White Weenie was the single most powerful deck in Extended, so strong they had to ban Land Tax in order to weaken the deck."

I believe him to be mistaken in this sentiment. Land Tax was banned, not to eliminate one specific deck, but because it is a broken, broken card. Perhaps he failed to notice that it is a lot like a free Ancestral Recall every turn, regardless of what the rest of your deck is. I know I have to squint just a bit to see it that way.

I know of two non-WW decks that used the broken broken broken Scroll Rack/Land Tax combination, and they were just as effective as his beloved White Weenie.

Like Sky says, when you can draw lots and lots of cards, it’s hard to avoid winning. The guy was playing Blight, for crying out loud!

Perhaps Mr. Taylor meant to say "White Weenie was the single most popular deck in Extended. Land Tax was so strong they had to ban Land Tax. The deck was consequently weakened". In that case, I understand his position.

Egad, I’m sounding like my classmates.

Oaf: Maybe ‘x’ *really* means ‘y’.

OMC: By the same token, *maybe* you’re a complete and utter shmendrick.

Suresh: You’re really testing the limits of how big a jerk you can be, aren’t you?

OMC: There are no such limits.

Here on Star City, Manuel Bevand sez:

"So how do you beat combo? Deprive them of their mana… If they’re playing NecroDonate, don’t let the Mana Vault go through. Mana is the key to beat combo. The important thing is to be able to counter more than what they can play, not more than what they have in hand."

Frankly, I find this preposterous.

Am I the only one that thinks that having access to nineteen-plus cards above those your opponent gets might provide some "edge" or "advantage" in a game of Magic?

So, cat out of the bag, Necropotence is the key.

While what he says about wanting to be able to counter what they can play, that much is true. The problem is that most of the disruptive spells cost one mana or less, those being Duress and Force of Will.

Correct me if I miss my place here, but Necropotence will probably inject your hand with a fistful of disruption. For that matter, it’ll get you Mana Vaults as well.

Actually (and someone’s probably sending humility through the ventilation system here), there are a couple of ways I could be mistaken here. First, Mr. Bevand could have assumed that Necropotence was obviously the most powerful card in the deck, and simply not stated that fact.

Fair… Enough.

Even so, such information should not be left out, especially in an article on playing a deck, directed at relative newcomers.

Second, he could be limiting his analysis to the inferior Necro/Donate decks. In this case, I still think Necropotence is the key card, but more of an argument against can be made. Against a deck with a decent amount of disruption, he cannot be right.

There can be only one!

And on all occasions, Necropotence is a ridiculous threat. I mean, really.

One more and then I’m through. I can’t take too much beaconing at once.

In his last article, My Esteemed Editor sez:

Well, I don’t have a quote, but it was something about "not all writers are egotistical and unapproachable."

He might as well have hung out a garish neon sign proclaiming "OMC’s Narcissism Shanty, This-A-Way," with a stylized arrow serving as a hyperlink to my latest opus. Come to think of it, it’s not such a bad idea. A little aversion therapy for aspiring misanthropes. It’s like the Dark Side, there are only ever two: a master, and an apprentice. I’m not saying which half of that equation I inhabit, but I think you know full well, dear reader.

Let’s be frank, how much more could you take?

Josh Bennett
[email protected]

The door to my Ivory Tower is my hotmail address. Assault it if you dare, but beware my horde of flying monkeys.