FINAL JUDGEMENT: Tale of Two Kitties

Apparently enraged by the fact that Anthony Alongi’s dogs can write columns, Sheldon’s cats leap to the keyboard! And actually produce words, not just broken laptops!

Hello. We’re Duncan and Lars, two of Sheldon’s cats. We’re going to write his article this week, because he’s far too busy being our slave to do anything else. There is another cat in the house, Max, but we’ve decided he’s too cranky to write good net material. He’s just laying around getting fat.

We’ll write some things as we feel like it, between getting petted, groomed, and fed. Which reminds us…Do excuse us for a moment…

Hey! Mister I Think I’m So Cool Because I Write a Star City Featured Article! Bring more snacks! And cheese. We love cheese! That smoked gouda stuff! And turn that rock and roll noise off. We can’t hear ourselves purr!

Sorry for that intrusion. Anyway, we’re writing this week because a certain someone has the wrong idea about what makes good writing on the net. Who really listens to him drone on about that rules nonsense. Does anyone else notice that the man can talk and talk?”Blah, blah, blah, State-based effects, blah, blah, blah, Priority…” It’s enough to drive you mad (between naps).

Excuse us again.

No, Mr. Go To Head Judge Grand Prix Houston And Right Off To Pro Tour San Diego And Be Away For Eleven Days, that just won’t do. Behind the ear. The ear, the ear! Don’t you know anatomy? That’s not the…Hey, that’s not so bad at all…mmm…kinda good…so sleepy…

Duncan here. Lars is, um, indisposed. I’ll pick up where we left off.

We were talking about…wait. Do excuse me again.

Hey, you! The fat kid in Boise! If you know what’s good for you, you’ll give me that sandwich right now! I mean it! I have a sock full of quarters that’s just waitin’ to lay upside your head! That sandwich is mine! I’m not fooling around…what? Huh? Really? Oh, I see. Never mind.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, writing about Magic. It’s a pretty dumb game. Not enough cats. I mean you have Mirri, who I hear is pretty hot (but how would I know since I’ve been friggin’ neutered!), but who else?

Okay, okay, I guess the Fleetfoot Panther is pretty good. I mean he’s 3/4 for 1WG, and you can play him as an Instant. Actually, now that I think of it, he’s also good because you have to gate away another, lesser important creature. Noble Panther is also rather good, but don’t get me started on that Urborg cat. What self-respecting feline would sacrifice itself for anything?

The Glittering Lion and Glittering Lynx might seem fine, but they’re too much style over substance for me. They’re too easily seduced by what someone else does to them.

Forgive me if my thoughts seem a little scattered at the moment; it’s because I don’t get enough time laying in someone’s lap. There used to be this great lady here, who’d let me sit in her lap all the time. We’d curl up on the sofa and watch Animal Planet, and everything would be fine. I’d even do that”turn upside down and demonstrate how adorable I am” thing for her every now and again. It seemed to make her happy. Then, she just up and disappeared one day. I’m sure it’s because of something Mr. I Don’t Have Time For You Because I’m Working All The Time And Even When I’m Not, I’m Off Doing Something Else did. I never liked that guy.

Speaking of whom, where did he go? He was just here a minute ago. Hey…what’s that? I smell tuna! Tuna! Ah! Tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna tuna…

*Yawn* Lars here. Whisker-brain ran off because he smelled something he liked. Idiot. He dashes away like that every time, and never ends up getting any tuna because Mr. I Have to Watch My Red Meat Intake gobbles it all up. And here’s the worst part: He mixes it with mayonnaise and puts vegetables in it! Have you ever heard of anything so disgusting?

And how dare he? He’s supposed to be scratching me right now. I didn’t give him permission to leave. I really have to keep after him. Anyway, while he’s gone, let me tell you a few things I picked up. He thinks he’s so special, writing his rules column and all, but that stuff is easy for a smart cat like me. He doesn’t know it, but I read his email while he’s at work, although I’m still trying to figure out what”Hot Co-eds from Amsterdam” are. Anyway, check out what I’ve learned just from laying on top of the laptop (while it’s running…so warm…)

Orim’s Chant is NOT a counterspell.

Playing Divert on your opponent’s Duress is dumb. You see, when Divert resolves, you have to pick a new, legal target for Duress – and there are none, because the Duress’ player only has one opponent – you! You’ve just wasted your Divert. Better hope he doesn’t have an Urza’s Rage, too…

If you have six cards in your graveyard, the spell you’re playing doesn’t count toward Threshold. While it’s resolving, it’s still on the stack. It doesn’t go to the graveyard until the final step in resolution, too late to get any benefit from it. So if you have six cards in your graveyard and play Cabal Ritual, you only get BBB.

Chainer’s Edict is a Sorcery! Read the card!

If you have Dawn of the Dead in play, you are still going to lose life when your graveyard is empty. The good news is that there are two beginning of upkeep triggered abilities on the card: You can stack them either way you want to. Let’s say you’re at one life, with Dawn of the Dead in play and a Bottle Gnomes in your graveyard. You can stack the lose one life first, then the return a creature ability. Using”last in, first out” rules, the creature comes into play first. You get the Gnomes, then add a new ability to the stack: Sacrifice the Gnomes for three life. There it is…now you don’t lose. Of course, what you’re doing playing with Bottle Gnomes, which has no cats anywhere on it, I’ll never know.

This new Torment set has a great guy called Crazed Firecat. I like him better than the Savage Firecat because there’s flipping involved. I love flipping. Coin goes up, coin goes down. Coin goes up, coin goes down. Coin goes up, coin goes down. Um, where was I?

I was also reading about this Gurzigost thing. He’s a beating! He has a beginning of upkeep triggered ability, too. Even if you have two cards in your graveyard, you can choose not to remove them from the game and sacrifice the Gurzigost. You can even be trickier (and I should know from tricky; after all, I don’t have a job or do anything really useful, but I live like a King! Bwah ha ha!). At beginning of upkeep, put his ability on the stack. Then respond by activating his GG ability twice, and discarding an unimportant card – say, a creature less handsome than I am – to pay for each activation. Then, when the triggered ability resolves, you can remove the two sucky cards from the game and serve! Whatever that means.

The one thing that makes cats superior to you is that we don’t have to follow instructions, while you must. For example, with Sonic Seizure, if you don’t have another card in your hand, you can’t play it at all. Discarding a card is an additional cost to play the spell, and if you don’t have one, too bad for you. And don’t forget that it’s a random discard, cheater!

I’m getting a little tired. I’ve been awake for more than fifteen minutes! I don’t know where Duncan got off to, but before I go I want to take the time to explain this Faceless Butcher thing to you. First, when there are no other creatures in play…(*snore*)