It’s that moment of self-doubt. That is the moment when fear takes hold.
Creeps up.
Sets in.
Takes control of you. Your brain sends signals that paralyze the rest of your body. You’re frozen in time. Unable to wake up. Make a move. Shake it off.
Get it together.
Your heart beats faster. Adrenaline begins to surge, and your fingers start to tremble. You have to focus. Don’t let it control you. Stay alert. Stay strong. Keep fighting, or the fear will consume you. Hold you down. Take you hostage.
Break you.
But you can do something about it. You can remove emotion from the equation entirely. Separating emotion from Magic is easily one of the most difficult challenges you can face. Like most people, I get angry when I lose. I get frustrated. I get upset.
I want to quit.
But I can’t. I won’t quit. I can’t just quit. This is everything I’ve been building towards. This is everything I want to be.
Is this really everything I want to be?
You know what I mean.
This is my job. My endeavor. My fervor. My passion. I work my ass off every week, day in and day out. Magic Online. Weekend trips. PTQs. Grand Prix. Opens. Even Pro Tours on occasion.
I do it all.
But for what? For money? For fame? For a job that I might not have in a few years? Those are the scary questions. This is when the fear grips me. This is when the fear takes hold. I’m losing control, and I don’t know how to fake it. This is when the demons start to come out, and I don’t know how to shake them. I’m not the boss anymore, and they don’t listen.
I lose it all.
Time and time again I’ve come to the same point, when tension rises along with my blood pressure. My brain boils, and my lungs burn. The heat rises off of me. The sweat evaporates from my forehead, and my stomach curdles.
I can taste it.
When things are going good, you know it. The wins come easy. The money comes and goes even easier. When you have few worries, it all makes sense. This is why you play. This is why you want to win. You feel it in your bones. It feels good. You deserve it.
You earned it.
But did you really? I play a card game for a living, and I still don’t know if I’m actually good at it. That’s the scariest part of all. That’s the hardest thing to figure out. Sure, I can win, but anyone can win. That is the nature of the game. Being good at it only increases your chance to win.
But how much?
Taking into consideration the recent results of a healthy number of my friends, I will say a lot. If that’s the case, then what’s wrong with me? I haven’t done well in an event in months, and I just can’t shake the feeling that something has changed. That maybe…
I’ve changed.
And maybe that’s it. Maybe you have to recognize when something is different about you and face it. Fight it if you have to. Pull yourself from the icy grasp of defeat. Move yourself away from the awful abyss that eventually envelops us all.
Fear.
The fear of losing someone you love. The fear of losing your job. The fear of losing your worth. The fear of losing everything that matters to you. The fear of losing your grip on reality.
The fear of losing yourself.
And just remember what brought you here in the first place. You love this game. You have always loved this game. From the first time your mom took you to the comic book store across town all the way up until now. You found it. It found you.
It saved you.
When screaming nights turn into courageous knights, and the monsters around you are swallowed by Spirit of the Night. The Elfhame Palace is a sanctuary, far away from the home you dread returning to. Far away from the things that hurt you the most. You start to lose yourself in this wonderful world that you never knew existed. The people around you slowly slip away. The game draws you in. Fills you up. It won’t ever let you down.
Until it swallows you.
Surrounding you. Like a warm blanket from the dryer. Like a new pillow. You lose yourself for hours, playing two-hour group games with friends. You don’t want it to end because you don’t want to remember what awaits you. Back there. Cold rooms. Cold hands.
Cold heart.
But it makes you stronger. You can feel yourself building walls. Keeping them out, keeping everyone out. Every sentence cut short. Every day at school is just a chore. You begin daydreaming in sixth period about your next deck idea. Black and white. Desolation Angel.
That’s my jam.
But what else goes into the deck? Nether Spirit. Wrath of God. Phyrexian Arena. Those all seem pretty sweet. And you brew. The teacher’s words begin to fade away into the background. Your pen and paper aren’t taking the same kind of notes as everyone else. And for just a moment, a brief second, you’re happy.
The bell rings.
Class is over. The school day is done. The teachers call words after you as you walk out the door. Something about homework or a project. It doesn’t matter. You’ll do it tomorrow between classes like you always do. You’ll get to school early because it makes you feel better than being at home. You swing by your house, grab a bite to eat, grab your collection. Head for the door.
Stop.
"Where are you going? You just got home." Do you want the short answer or the long answer? I say the comic book store to save a fuss. But what I really want to say is I’m going out and never coming back. I’m going to lose myself in something for a few hours that isn’t drugs or alcohol. I’m going to do something constructive instead of lying in bed, dropping my cigarettes on the blanket as I nod in and out of sleep. You know, the blanket my great-grandmother knitted for me that you use as an ashtray. I’m going to try to be a smarter, better person than you because I owe myself at least that much.
The door slams shut behind me.
I hit the gas. Building speed as I make my way to that place. That wonderful place full of brilliant artwork. Fantastical ideas. A place where it’s simple to lose yourself for a few hours. A place where making friends comes pretty easy because they’re all a little bit like you. A little bit lost. A little bit hurt.
A little bit broken.
So you become puzzle pieces that start to fit into each other. Each friend you meet is another piece. You learn from them. You take their advice, try not to make their mistakes, and you actually listen to one another. You grow up together, working on your flaws and trying to be better than who you were raised to be. Trying to be who you want to be.
Trying to be better.
Than your mother, your father, your brother and sister. Your stepfathers. Your stepmother and stepsister. You’re trying to take everything you’ve seen and heard, everything you’ve felt, and build something out of it. A life. A career.
A love.
She lights up your life like the moon on a cloudless night. At first, it is a bit hard to see, but eventually your eyes adjust. You can see the trees around you, the grass beneath your feet. You can even see the stars in the sky, but you’re not sure you’ll ever reach them. She guides you down a road you’ve never been down before. It’s still dark outside, but she knows the way.
She shows you.
But there are snares in the road. Thorns stab your feet from time to time. The potholes twist your ankle, you fall, and you don’t want to keep going. But she reaches down with her moon-kissed hands and helps you up. Dusts you off. Kisses your sores and aches and makes them all better, but not without a little scolding.
She cares about you.
Every step along the way, she’s there with you. Taking care of you because she knows you. She loves you. She adores you. But she doesn’t know that she’s your moon. You try to tell her, but the words turn to silly putty in your mouth. All you can say is "I love you too" and hope it’s enough. You’re young, but you’re in love. Absolutely, positively, head over heels, and every other cliche descriptor.
She is the best thing that ever happened to you.
You fight. You battle. The argument reminds you of someone else, but this time it’s different. You’re on the other side of the argument. You’re the one who keeps screwing up and asking forgiveness. You’re the one pushing her away, so stop being an idiot. Stop sabotaging yourself and your happiness. Just love her more than anything else, and the rest will come.
You build a life together.
You move in together. Get a job. Quit. Get another job. Get married. Move away to another state so she can live her dream. She deserves it. She supports you so you should support her. You leave your friends behind. You leave your family behind.
You leave your past behind.
You start fresh. But it’s hard to let new people in. Everyone and everything seems a little bit blander. You miss your friends. As much as you hate to say it, you miss your family too. It starts to drain you. Causes problems. Causes fights. Causes tears from both sides. But you make it better. You learn to adapt like you always have. You make new friends. Good friends. Life-long friends.
You learn to be happy.
You get a job, but this time it’s doing what you love. At first, things seem difficult. Your job is something you’ve done for almost half your life, but not as a job. As a hobby. As a game. As something fun.
As an escape.
But what happens when you start doing what you love as a job? Does it get old? Do you lose the original feeling that gave you so much joy? Or does it make it grow stronger? You hope it’s the latter, but you know that it’s more likely a combination of both. At times, it will wear on you. Drain you.
Sometimes, the game wins.
And every time it does, you feel like you’re losing a small piece of yourself. It seems to rain a little bit more. You hit the snooze button a little more often. It’s harder to get out of bed than you remember. Every little thing starts to seem like a chore.
You hit a wall.
This is my attempt at breaking through that wall. Putting these words from my head into writing has helped me remember what I love most about this game. Magic, in the many years I have had the pleasure of playing it, has always been there when I needed an outlet. It’s therapeutic. It washes away everything else that starts to hold you down, at least for a little while. But that’s all you need.
A moment.
A small amount of time to gather yourself. Reset. Recharge. Put yourself back in the saddle and continue down that path. For the night is dark and full of terrors, but I am the lucky one. I’ve got my moon, watching over me and lighting up the path as best she can. Her eerie glow keeps me company as I trudge along. Her beams are like fingers, scratching the top of my head as I lay down to sleep for the night.
We can start again tomorrow.
…..
This is a piece that I wrote to be inspirational. From time to time, we all have humps in life that are difficult to overcome. I’ve recently fallen into a slump, and at times like this you start to question everything you’ve ever known and done. This was a journey through the parts of my life where Magic was there to help me.
Not everyone who ends up in a bad situation has something to guide them out. Luckily, I have a wonderful wife who loves me and always tries to help me keep my head on straight, as well as this fantastic game. It has been there during the rough times to give me an escape when I needed it most and kept me from going down some of the darker paths of those around me. Without my wife, Kali, I never would have made it this far. Without Magic, I never would have met her in the first place.
I can’t thank everyone involved in making this game enough, as it has become an integral part of both of our lives. We just bought a new house in Roanoke, and we don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. StarCityGames.com is literally the best ever, and I couldn’t be happier working for anyone else. I can only imagine things will get better with our new Online Content Coordinator, Cedric Phillips. Expect big things to come!
I know this particular piece isn’t strategy related, which some of you might find a bummer. If you’ve followed my articles for quite some time, you’ll know that I write an emotional piece every now and then. I try to keep them few and far between because I know most of you come here for new decks and whatnot. It was an absolute pleasure putting this together, and I hope you enjoyed it and can relate to it. I know many of you were in similar positions as me growing up, and I hope you found Magic and were able to guide yourself through the bad times safely. And truly…
Thanks for reading.
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