As God Extended

This Extended season reminds me a lot of last year: what the hell do I play? While we all had the wondrous “benefit” of six or seven hundred months of the Ravnica spoiler spoiled all to hell and back, I was still left with dozens of ideas and no clear path to righteousness. Some of you know how that story ended… 107 pages later, and with a couple painful detours though the land of Extended rotation and the buck-each Elder fiasco.

This is a similar story of how I learned to stop worrying and fell in love with my decks, then realized they sucked then fell out of love with them, then made new ones and vicious cycle déjà vu, Groundhog Day, Memento, no, Virginia, this year there won’t be an Ichorid in my stocking.

Here’s a sample of the current crop of decks I thought were amazing but kinda sorta, well, aren’t:

The thing with this bad boy is that for every time you generate nearly 400 mana on turn 4, you’re already dead, though considering that basic lands are apparently teh suck, Frontiers is technology. If ever there was a great time to allow your opponent to drop a bunch of basic lands into play for free, this might be it.

Me: New Frontiers for ten, grabbing four Forests, four Islands and a couple Mountains.
You: I’ll get, um, my single Plains.

Hypergenesis plus opponent with no cards in hand feels like a combo, but no. Think why, then think why Frontiers plus Extended decks is.

Whatever, I invented New Frontiers being the sleeper card of the season, and still think this deck can be stellar against opponents who think creatures are the man, which of course they are.

Yeah, sure — it’s just like Invasion Block Constructed never left. But it did.

Idea: out-tempo you into the loser’s bracket. However, a turn 2 Spring your land isn’t an auto-win by the long shot that I thought it was, you thought it was, or anyone who rofl’d at the Force Spike in their hand thought it was.

Notice the perfect mana split. I’ve spoken briefly on this subject before, though if you don’t remember, check my archives. It’s one of those articles.

Alas, this idea worked so well. In theory. Lots of things work so well in theory. Like a 60-year-old boxer.

While most Rock builds don’t auto-lose to anything, this one finds a way to, well, suck. A lot. I really enjoy accelerating into more acceleration, and have come to a simple conclusion: any deck that uses Wall of Roots or Wood Elves is bad.

It’s a sad state of affairs when the best I can do (thus far), is this:

Okay, nothing costs more than two, we get it. What you may or may not get is how remarkably consistent “play guys on turns 1 and 3 and kill you shortly thereafter” is.

Miss a land drop — you lose.
Not draw the turn four Wrath — you lose.
Draw the turn 4 Wrath anyway — you still lose.

I have one general rule of deck construction (at least this year): if a deck can’t beat my Boros, it’s not a deck, and it can go back in the deckbox and think about what it did wrong, which was mostly lose very badly or even very not badly but still no dubya.

That was pretty much my rule of thumb last year: if I can’t beat Berto’s Broken Goblin deck — that featured Chained Lightning, Cursed Scroll, and Goblin Grenade among others omg Fireblast ftw as well — then it’s time to move on.

And then there’s this little bag O’trix:

It’s like Ravnica told Seventh Edition and Kamigawa he had a part for them in his next picture, why don’t we discuss it in the bedroom and bring your friend Invasion. This deck is the result of the sexual and emotional blackmail that is the casting couch. Alas, the O’trix is all around you, Neo.

Some things:

1. Wall of Roots: Chord of Calling: remove a counter and then tap him for the convoke omg so much double duty. Still, a deck that contains the formerly good Wall should not be considered. Ever.

2. Cavern Harpy: Court Hussar. Fair.
2a. Shivan Wurm: Cytoplast Root-Kin. Turn 4 8/8 trampler that becomes a turn 5 9/9 trampler. Um, okay.

3. On the play turn 2 Temporal Spring on your one single land.

Land, Birds.
Land, Temporal Spring your one single land.
Land, kick Phyrexian Scuta.
Cytoplast Root-Kin plus Phyrexian Scuta.

Pause and reflect.
Reflect more.
It doesn’t seem right.

Stop reflecting and think about this:
Like I said above: save yourself the trouble and don’t play U/G.

Okay, let’s examine the deck I was fairly certain I was going to play this season:

Convince Myself Mode: On.

I’ve gone on record as saying that saccing Ichorid to flashback Cabal Therapy is the coolest play in Magic, and while it is indeed kewlness personified, it is nowhere near the ultimate in uncouth sickness that I’ve recently learned to savor.

Cabal Therapy
B
Sorcery
Name a nonland card. Target player reveals his or her hand and discards all cards with that name.
Flashback — Sacrifice Kokusho: target player vomits.

Too bad Friggorid never gets to six mana — hell, it has a hard time getting to three.

Dread Return is too unfair. I’d hesitate to use the word “broken,” but it’s about as close to broken as I’ve seen since my return to the fray in Ravnica ::not really::. It brings back a tremendous fatty. For free. Real decks can even cast it from the hand before flashing it back.

I wonder if R&D tested this in Friggorid or other graveyard-loving decks. That was rhetorical, since I’m sure they tested this sumb*tch into oblivion, though I can’t say for certain that Kokusho and Cabal Therapy were involved, especially after you sacced three Ichies with the opponent at five (a common turn 4 situation).

Hello, I’m Dread Return, and I single handedly sped up Friggorid by one entire turn.

Hi, Dread!

So that’s the deck, sideboard be damned. But what are *other* people going to play? Start with last season…

Boros Deck Wins — If Sudden Shock is good enough to make it in, it will (if…? I live under a rock), and combined with the existing little beaters (and Serra Avenger large question mark), disruption and burn, plan on seeing plenty of Sacred Foundries coming into play the hard way on turn 1. Other than that, this deck will most likely win, a lot. It might not take many coveted blue envelopes as per decks that make Red mana, but it will take a chunk of Top 8s from decks that can’t take twenty to the face by turn 5.

No Stick — Might gain Angel’s Grace, and Sudden Shock every turn doesn’t sound completely awful. Due to quirky rules deals, some of the split cards beside Fire / Ice could find a home under the Stick. Seek every turn or Research for nearly infinite deck size much? Okay, they won’t. But hey, you write an Extended preview, k?

Heartbeat — Flores probably still thinks you should play this deck, despite the smattering of splash damage in the form of graveyard hate. I dunno: it’s a difficult deck to pilot, and like Star Wars Kid said way back when (paraphrase) — every game you’re coming from behind. I know there are those who prefer to “come from behind,” but get yer friggin’ minds out the gutter, yo.

‘Tog — People say Sudden Shock ruins ‘Tog. Don’t buy it. People may suspect that this time Jonny Magic will find a home beside Dr. Teeth. Don’t buy that either. If you expect BDW to show in force, who has the stones to play a deck with only four creatures? Er, Genesis. Infinite Dr. Teeth ftw!

Affinity — With the ability to maindeck a Tormod’s Crypt or two without missing a beat, expect the pitter-patter of mechanical feet. A solid, if boring choice, and one that basically says “I play out my entire hand and defy you to answer.” Kataki for the answer.
Or even: how this deck can beat a well-timed Shattering Spree is beyond me. Why anyone would ever play Shattering Spree is also beyond me. But play it. Four copies.

Goblins — It’s really aggravating that a deck can be nothing but creatures and still defeat decks that are built to kill creatures on a grand scale. No, not aggravating, more like irksome that I haven’t made the effort to build this friggin’ deck.

Everyone: Goblins is so cheap to build!
Me: I know!
Everyone: So why haven’t you built-
Me: Blow me!

CAL — It’s either sliced-bread-great or all washed up. With all the various incarnations – and those yet to be discovered – of the “hide behind my wall and eventually kill you,” this might be the breakout deck of the year. No, it really won’t though, even if some decks have no satisfactory answer to Solitary Confinement. So lame.

The Rock — There are those who say this deck has two things you can bank on: people will play it, and it will rarely be a good choice. Whatever, there are people who own Pernicious Deeds and Baloths and the Swords and Trolls — what, are they not supposed to use them? Every single Extended season since the turn of the century changing one or two cards per year?

Q. How long has Rock been around?
A. Since Phyrexian Plaguelord was Standard legal. The first time.

Reanimator — How can you argue with a turn 2 Akroma? Likewise, a turn 2 Nicol Bolos comin’ up on ya’ sounds tremendous, until you consider – seriously stop trying to build this deck, don’t you just lose to so many different cards, though adding Niv-Mizzet and Curiosity holy heck.

Solar Flare / Pox — This Standard upstart might make the Extended conversion, just as Yosei and Kokusho could find a brand new home in a not-so-old-school shell. It’s likely too slow for Extended, but don’t be surprised to see massive 5/5s hitting the board over and over until you’re dead. No, do be surprised, because if you see this deck, you’re not at an Extended PTQ, you’re at FNM. Four months ago.

Any of these decks can side in four Tormod’s Crypt. This doesn’t seem good for me. Last year, the hate was mostly limited to Shred Memory, Scrabbling Claws, Morningtide, and Withered Wretch, none of which are impossible to overcome. Add Crypt (and to a lesser extent, Gaea’s Blessing) to the mix, throw in a Leyline of the Void or two (mirror match tech4L!), and suddenly Extended is faced with as much graveyard hate as Legacy — and Vintage.

But wait, those formats have tons of decks that use and abuse their ‘yards, and people still find ways to play what should not be. Graveyard hate is a pain in the ass, but like many pains in the ass, it can’t do anything unless it actually touches your ass, i.e.: a) draw it, b) resolve it.

Wait.
No.
Okay, yes.

Sacrifice Kokusho as one of the Dread triumvirate to bring out… Bogardan Hellkite.

No, seriously, that’s enough.

Fifteen-point life swing, please stop while you’re ahead. I’m sorry, I meant to say: “fifteen point life swing, ahem, pardon me for a moment while I ready the italics… for zero mana.”

And it can all be broken up by a zero-mana artifact! So?

By the way, Mono Black In Legacy is now a rather obscene 30-2 40-2 46-3 50-4 (been writing this article long much?) in sanctioned play. I’m not saying that sliced bread or the cat’s ass wishes it was my deck, but gimme three byes at a Legacy Grand Prix and, well, I’ll take ‘em, thanks.

Turn 1: Duress.
Turn 2: Sinkhole.
Turn 3: Hymn, Wasteland.
Turn 4: Vomit at the sickness that is me.

Too brokerz.

I’m just waiting for Menendian to put the Mean Deck Love into play, and turn Vintage on its ear, just like that “Ichorid thing” he and his crew transmogrified, and not only did Randy B not make a promised Top 8, but to compound matters, he found a way to lose to Dark Depths two games in a row.

Dear Randy,

Here’s hoping 2007 is better.

Love,
Johnny Elemental

Kokusho times two for the win. Still, Ichorid is weak. Last week. Or year, as the case may be. I want something new that people don’t say is completely teh utter suck. While the metagame appears to be at least minimally defined, there are liable to be new creations all up over the house.

Consider that Guildpact, Dissension, Coldsnap, and Time Spiral are the new kids on the Extended block, with Planar Chaos knocking at the door, and one can only come to the conclusion that there must be something amiss in Denmark, rotten or otherwise. No, not Trey Van Cleave, you nosy little goblins.

Five new sets should open up new ideas, shouldn’t they? This is where the “unknown metagame” comes into play. Sure, there are a dozen expected archetypes, and players, being lazy as all hell, are apt to simply choose the best new cards available and squeeze them into their favorite decks. But others won’t. They’ll get all rogue on your ass.

Thus, bring the noise:

I want to tell you something:

Flagstones of Trokair plus Braids, Cabal Minion equals something is very wrong here. Go ahead and use your silly little Smallpox tricks, I’ll be over here being completely broken.

I don’t see how a combo deck (<3beat) has to like such a vicious attack on their resources, and a control deck (No Stick) can't be a big fan of massive ‘tings to the game plan either.

Turn 1 Bob, turn 2 Rancid Earth or Vindicate means that you just win? Okay, and then turn 3 Braids. Now you just win. Or, how about – Hey, where’s The Rack? Oh, wait, before someone else takes credit – something I invented:

Ghost Quarter on your own Flagstones: trade two lands for, um, two lands. Well, it sure seems like an advantageous play anyway. And if so, remember who invented it. Thawing Glaciers without that “comes into play tapped” nonsense even though they still do anyway. For the win, baby.

Looking at the above list makes me want to add Ichorid. Maybe just two, you won’t feel a thing and I love you and the check’s in the mail and I promise not to add Rotlung Reanimator.

Ugliest list ever, though wow 4 Mox and 4 Caverns allows for some sick ass turn 1 plays. Turn 1 Rancid Earth much it’s so unfair. Never mind, since I went 0-2-1 in the Sunday Extended (heh, two months ago), losing to U/R Tron, drawing with U/W Tron, and getting my ass kicked with double Lava Hounds. In 2006.

Friggorid it is, Tormod’s Crypt, Withered Wretch and all the graveyard hate you can eat be damned.

I still hate Tolarian Winds ::how much? throwing up:: Careful Study is better. Use Wild Mongrel if you must, but don’t — it’s not a Black creature and doesn’t allow you to dredge or keep iffy opening hands. Though I guess it does allow you more game “up top” as opposed to being so reliant on the ‘yard. I won’t second-guess the Japanese, especially since I invented Persecute and they stole it ‘cause they’re technology. All l33t, us.

Dirt Kitty
Scrambled Eggs or something
Aggro Loam
That Tendrils Deck
New and Improved No-Stick (Now Completely and Utterly Sickening!)

New decks! All of which I’m nowhere near ready to download and test against.

By the way, Mikey M and I arrived at the same Kokusho / Return tech independently, both decided to play it for the Sunday Extended, and after two rounds, we were both 0-2. Alas, we faced off in round 3, which guaranteed The ‘Rid would get off the schneid.

Friggorid: can only beat the mirror, then only if it goes first. But maybe it’s still okay.

I moved on, like itinerant merchants such as myself are tend to do. Mostly because I’m as sick of playing the deck as you are of reading about it (but only in my articles live in the past 4L!).

Counterspell
Remand
Fact or Fiction

That’s top-drawer cards ya’ got right there, little missy. Gee, you can almost build the rest of the deck in your mind, eh? Absorb maybe, Wrath likely, Yosei I guess, Hinder perhaps, Meddling Mage who knows, and Force Spike ftw.

Turn 1 Force Spike: the worst thing that can happen to anyone, ever. It’s even worse than having your turn 1 Duress meet Disrupt. So much sickening in one paragraph.

Consider:

On turn 1, you play and Island and pass.
You opponent plays Sacred Foundry and Isamaru.
You Force Spike it.
On turn 2, you play another land and pass.
You opponent plays a land and creature x.
You Remand it.

Shouldn’t Boros just pack it in? How can they possibly win from here: next turn, you’ll have three mana (or can semi-safely play a signet readying for the “let you creature resolve and next turn play Fact or Fiction You Just Lose So Horribly” trump card.), and they have zero clock. Surrender, and try again next game.

Force Spike: a defining card in the format.
Boros: a defining deck in the format.
And when they meet (and they will, a lot), heads gonna roll, but I’ll take the guy with the turn 1 Force Spike every time.

Two reasons not to play Sakura-Tribe Elder:

Sudden Shock.
Sudden Shock.

I told many peeps that my Elders would be staying home for Extended for this exact reason(s), and most of them thought me rather silly. We’ll see when you keep a two Forest hand and Elder, banking on him to a) block and b) get you your second color after damage. One of us won’t be laughing. Um, you.

Feel free to use this excuse to eliminate any serious testing of Spike Feeder as well — the card that used to pretty much laugh in the face of Red decks everywhere. How can it be that Spike Feeder and Wall of Roots are no longer good (as they used to be) (at least in my opinion and we all know that I’m correct)?

Perhaps I overestimate the number of Sudden Shocks that are going to be played.

No.

Any Boros deck that doesn’t at least sideboard maindeck Sudden Shock should have its rares taken out and thrown in those 55-gallon drums that Frank Stallone and his do-wop posse sing around in the Rocky movies. In other words, any Boros player worth his or her salt is not worth salt if Sudden Shock does not appear somewhere on the deck reg sheet in Target Players Deck. We call that “The Starting Sixty” in the industry.

Q. Who the hell’s gonna play Boros?
A. About half of everyone that plays, you trackin’?

Hell, I’m this close to surrendering and playing my crappy version. If I wasn’t so scared of Force Spike, that is. I have no idea what the best deck in the format is / will end up being, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the list will bear a striking resemblance to the following (no I don’t, really, just makin’ conversation):

4 Force Spike
4 Counterspell
4 Remand
4 Fact or Fiction
44 Other Things

I’m nearly ready to crown a Blue-based control deck the champion, and as such, have decided that, in lieu of actually using the above cards (or in addition to), discard might be the best weapon.

How about this:

I’m so happy I have three Yosei and Kokusho I could just sh**. Or put them in every friggin’ deck ever.

Imagine a deck like this:

4 Force Spike
4 Remand
4 Counterspell
4 Fact or Fiction
4 Duress
4 Castigate or Cabal Therapy or Distress
36 Other Cards, 24 of which will be lands.

The 12 Other Things would include 4-6 Board Control, be they of the Wrath of God, Oblivion Stone, Repeal, Vindicate or Recoil variety, which leaves 6-8 Ways To Win, be they be big dragons or, well, really, is there a better way to win than a big, fat 5/5? One could offer up some three-ofs in order to squeeze in four Signets, or dismiss the acceleration for more control cards…

… and I think we’re on the right track.

I can’t break Extended, er, I mean I have yet to break Extended, sorry. I’ve only been writing this article for months, what do you expect? And I’m no closer to a deck than I was when I started. The next time you see Obi-wan, ask him to help me.

Probe.

People love Compulsive Research. Well, this card was Research before Blue mages even heard of “main phase.” It does the exact same thing, d*ckhead, but unlike the Imitation Probe, it has an option to nuke the aggro players hand after board control has been established.

“Probe with kicker.”

I remember how much I enjoyed that statement, even when it was not uttered by me. Talk about “tempo,” or “card advantage,” or “panache,” but you ain’t talkin’ ‘bout nuttin’ if you ain’t talkin’ ‘bout PWK.

Probe.
With kicker.

The best friend Solar Flare never had.

I remember saying that Ravnica is better than Invasion. After some time to take stock of my ballsy opinion, I still believe this is the case, super-sexy dual lands notwithstanding. Perhaps some of you will peruse both lists and count the number of high-quality cards, or those that have made or continue to make an impact. You’re likely to discover that Invasion has a small but decided advantage in this department, which is probably true. (I don’t really know, haven’t really checked the set lists and don’t really care — I am a journalist).

But Ravnica, much like Invasion before it, breathed new life into the game, but unlike the previous “best set ever,” Ravnica did much more than just revive Magic, it supercharged it. Standard and Block were truly diverse, and now Extended follows that path: nearly “anything goes,” and most of that is a direct result of Ravnica Block. If you aren’t yet convinced, consider this (is “breathed” a word?):

Fetch lands plus shock lands.

If this isn’t one of the most positive additions to the game in the last half-dozen years, then you need to reevaluate your idea of what “positive” means.

Thusly, I stand by my earlier position:

Ravnica is the best set ever, and to that effect, the best block as well, since it’s not quite fair to judge one set from the block without including the other two. Basically, the guilds are the best idea ever. So thar.

Case closed. But omg forums!

Finally, I’ve found a deck that beats Boros, thus gets to move on to the “actually gonna really seriously test this sumb*tch” stage:

I don’t know what to say about Saffi other than she’s my new Teysa. Obv the art she’s hot and vulnerable ::swoon::, but I think it has a lot to do with the “Saffi, wait for me….” So sexy, you jerky who writes flavor text / world creator / continuity person. It gives me a stiffy (well, almost, kinda). I hope you’re happy.

Fleetfoot Panther was my secret technology. It’s so secret that you clicked on the blue link. Rather than use damage reduction / prevention (what is this — limited? ::teh suck::), or sissy girl “protection from,” why not only nix that Helix or Char or Condemn pointed at your guy, foiling your bastard opponent’s plans and pissing him or her off, but add a tremendous 3/4 fatbody for nothing more than sheer spite?

The Panther: he’s good this time — both of them, too, no small thanks due Jitte. Now, I know Jitte makes just about every creature good guffaw aw shucks, but remember how you felt about a Jitte on Paladin En-Vec? It feels just like that, pretty much. But bonus:

Paladin En-Vec is a 2/2.
Noble Panther is a 3/3.

lol three is more than two!
rofl O-Naginata is too good for 2/2s!
omg the Panther Brothers are better than Vincent and Vic Vega.

So, this deck beats the Boros beats, which was my primary focus. Beat the most consistent beatdown machine available, and then you may move on. So move on.

To combo and control.

I decided to throw in the Chants in Grace and assumed that’d give me a chance. However, they don’t: is tossing in six somewhat random anti-control / combo elements better than the six pieces that need to be removed? And with Grips in the main, just how much additional hate must be applied before I get called “mean-spirited?”

Anyway… I’m talking to Abrams and Adam Schaff at Crossroads the other day — you know, what’s up with Extended, what’s it like to get actually laid, the usual — when I realized something: I don’t know d*ck about Extended.

I get online about once, play an actual three to four sanctioned matches, and may spend upwards of thirty minutes discussing Extended with real, actual human beings. Per week. Work twelve hours a day at a job you absolutely hate and come see me, we’ll talk. Write an article? Are you sh**tin’ me? I barely have the energy to turn on my laptop, and often times don’t even bother to do that, preferring instead to hit the sack at eight o’clock.

And I’m going to Extended PTQs. Why?

Abrams told me he was leaning toward Aggro-Loam for the qualifiers. Here I was thinking that “Aggro Loam” deck from last year. You know: Seismic Assault and Confinement? During my weekly sojourn du L’Internet I came across the real decklists. Um, not the same at all.

Hearken back to November 16, 2005:

Depressing.
How much I don’t know.
About Magic.
And life.
How much I never knew.
About Magic.
And life.

I probably never will.
Know.
Much.
Jeez.

I feel just like that. Even though my current ideas often happen to show up in Flores articles, where he can do all the testing for me (thx lol), which leads me to believe I’m on the right track, at least temporarily, I feel so behind the proverbial eight ball that even Confucius ain’t tryin’ t’hear dat.

Five goes here, hooka
Then seven on the next line
Haiku is lame, word

I’ve written three articles in the last five months, punch me in the face so much, and even though I’ve been playing every week and building decks and thinking about life, love and why didn’t I do more eighteen year old chyx when I was eighteen (um, ‘cause you didn’t get laid until 21)…

(insert “discuss ridicule in the forums” right here)

… my job is the ultimate open wide and be teh suck. Not only does it, well, suck, but it sucks away so much time that I’m surprised I haven’t bumped into Scott Bakula or Crispin Glover. As such, I finally found another job, which promises to suck three hours less per day than my current drain life, which may or may not give me back my son! some semblance of a life. More life thus equals more articles equals more back up into the swing of thangs might equal I have a friggin’ clue about Extended…

(My New Year’s Resolution – I was certain I could meet this one: write an article per week. Gee, that resolution lasted an entire not at all. I’ve just been too tired to be inspired, and nothing kills inspiration like perspiration. Seriously, it’s so easy to not write. It’s like promising to call that girl. A couple days go by… I’ll call next week. A couple weeks go by… I’ll call next month. A couple months go by and you’re way too embarrassed to call because it’s been way too long. However, with less perspiration (and more time), I am somewhat re-inspired. And having Wakefield back never hurts the ol’ inspiration gene. Whatever, I’m such a fifteen year-old boy.)

… or maybe I’ll just play Friggorid. I mean, hell, enough peeps’ll stop playing graveyard decks and the hate will up and evaporate like… holy sh**, I think I’m broken again:

This might be ridiculous. Zombie Infestation is stupid.

End of turn, I’ll pitch an Assassin and Withering to make, um, three guys and kill, um, two of yours.

End of turn, Fact or Fiction? Pshaw, who plays with such archaic and blasé cards like that?

Dark Withering is nothing less than a fantastic card. Too bad you can’t put it in a deck that contains Black’s most favorite card-drawing spell — Dark Confidant. After all, who in the hell would play six-mana spells in a deck with Bob?

See, the maximum suggested retail big spell allotment is six five-mana spells with Bob. Did I forget to mention that I invented Persecute and Nightscape Familiar and Ichorid?

frigginrizzo: ← Thomas Edison and AG Bell and sh**, yo,

Watson, come here, suckaduck!.

Anyway, enough of my pedigree. Dark Withering is somethin’ somethin’ crazy. It kills stuff for one mana. But wait, there’s more! It’s half a zombie token. It’s a +1.5/+1.5 for ‘Tog +/1/+1 for Mongrel and flying for Putrid Imp. Pause for a moment…

Oppression.

Click that link up there.

Consider Oppression in play and four mana. Play Putrid Imp which makes you discard a card, say Nightshade Assassin. Pay two to play it while it’s going to the bin, which makes you discard a card, say Dark Withering. Pay one to play it while it’s going to the bin, which makes you discard a card, say Basking Rootwalla.

The thing is: it’s not that much fun for your opponent. Watch:

I cast Soltari Priest, discarding… sh**, Lighting Helix I guess. Damnit!

The other thing is: once they have no hand, Oppression matters not. Much like the perils facing most discard-heavy decks, dumping their grip doesn’t stop what’s on the top of their deck.

Oh.
Snap.
Yes.
It.
Does.
Kinda.

Psychotic freakin’ Episode.

The thing with that one is: it doesn’t attack or block very well. Against control, you’re lovin’ life, and damn if it doesn’t make it nearly impossible to whiff with Cabal Therapy, but it’s a far from optimal peel when you’re facing down things with numbers in the lower Right Hand Corner, or RHC in the industry.

Madness is back, yo, as if it ever truly left. Madness creatures are just downright unfair. They don’t have to be particularly good baseline (see Gorgon Recluse — bad stats for 3BB), but slip them into play whilst furthering your agenda, and an instant-speed and harder-to-kill Defiant Vanguard for a mere BB goes from “yawn, okay, I guess,” to “doesn’t seem fair at all.” I guess I’ll make a Zombie and, well, also pay Gorgon’s madness and block your Call token. I’ll probably block the one you flash back next turn, too, tee hee.

Somewhere is the perfect mixture of madness, flashback, and dredge, and I’m trying to find it. Wish me luck, care about me, offer me love and warmth and kindness, k/thx.

Re: luck.

I took a bag o’ decks to Crossroads for some heavy-duty testing with Mikey M. What I discovered is this: my decks suck. All of them. He was piloting a White / Black concoction that has apparently been gaining favor among those “in the know.” Abrams also told me about this “hot” deck.

Some of the cards it contains:

Vindicate
Rancid Earth
Braids
Smallpox
Flagstones

Stop right there. The deck cannot cut mustard, nor lick the jar. I patiently explained to Mike that he is now free to abandon the aforementioned idea, for I have taken the liberty to dismiss it. He described such a wonderful opening: “turn 2 Vindicate, turn 3 Rancid Earth, turn 4 Braids.” How my heart leapt at the possibility, then sank when I remembered that it just ain’t gettin’ it done.

As he was shuffling, I saw Rotlung Reanimator in his deck. Omg people not only steal tech from my articles, they steal tech from articles that haven’t even been published. Nevertheless, he was not convinced by my impassioned plea.

Me, being what I am, which is something none of us are quite sure of, turned the Untitled Madness Thing into this:

I beat him silly, despite the fact that this deck is worse than ass. It’s so bad that I can’t believe I actually gave it credence in physical form, and even took it out into the world. Still, it beat the piss out of W/B Braids / Whatever I Called It A Few Pages Up.

I knew Ninja Tempo had no skills when I got my very own ass handed back to me by Zoo. Mikey steadfastly refused to call his deck “Zoo,” but if there is a better moniker for a R/W/G deck that uses fast guys and burn, please get back to me.

The losses were horrendous. As such, I needed to save face. G/W was the ticket. None of the games lasted more than four turns. That was usually the time that I played Hierarch, who made quite a pair with a Call token or two. Showing Mike a Jitte was also cause for an immediate concession.

So, I like G/W against Boros and Zoo and beatdown in general. Pretty sure it loses to control, and quite horribly. Obviously, this is not the deck to play, regardless of how kitchen table it makes me feel. I could trick it out in a Flores Hateyface kinda way, but without the Exalted Angels and cycle Dragons (and very little desire to acquire them), G/W can become nothing more than my own little gauntlet-type pet.

By the way, my Boros that I was so sure was, well, not bad, turned out to be, well, not good. Hello, I pack it in to a single Molten Rain, nice to meet you.

Thus, this brings me back to Ichorid. I chatted with Jeff Good, and after actually thumbing though his copy, I was nearly re-invigorated. I’m not sure how secret-techy his build is, but suffice it to say, his version includes cards from sets in which I was away from the game. This would be from Judgment to the last of Kamigawa.

So I went back to the drawing board, and since I picked up three Footsteps of the Goryo, I had a new cause. I asked a number of people why I hadn’t heard of Footsteps for Yosei and Kokusho, and the general reply was: there was always something better to use. Now they had the benefit of actually playing when these cards were in vogue, so they may have a better handle on things.

However.

In my dealings with Yosei and Kokusho, I noticed that turning them sideways was only about half of their better half. I may be reinventing the wheel here, and in retrospect, paying three mana to tap down five things or swing ten life just doesn’t sound like much.

How.
Freakin’.
Ever.

What about tapping down fifteen things for three turns and a thirty-point life swing? Would that be worth, say, four mana?

Enter Living End. Kinda. Okay, it started as “Enter Twilight’s Call,” and sorta humpbacked along to “let’s add the new ‘Death.”

I know that six mana sounds like a lot in Extended, and being Extended, there’s no guarantee that the things you put in the bin are going to be there when you need them to be, but look again at the result:

… tapping down fifteen things for three turns and a thirty-point life swing…

If this doesn’t intrigue you, then you’re doing better than I thought. I’d provide a decklist, but like most of my other brainstorms, when the storm is over, I realize that, hell, all I did was get wet for nothing. Shoulda just stayed inside. I bet you could figure it out, if you were the itinerant type.

Six legends
Research
Probe (omg tech)
Living End
Twilight’s Call
Signets
Counters
Etc.

P.S: Buried Alive.
P.S.S: Heh.

In the last month or so, I’ve hit on probably fifty ideas. All of them turned out to be sh**. Every single one. Man, this breaking Extended is harder than I thought. It’s so hard that I’m revisiting Domain, fer chrissakes! Every single day sees dozens of light bulbs lit up over my dome then William Tell shoot them right off.

And then I finally went and tested against Aggro-Loam. Hello, I’m a turn 4 Ichorid kill who died one turn beforehand, how are you this evening? Now I’m not one to anoint a deck leader of the (f***) free world (3-1-3!), but permit me to marvel at the wondrousness that is turn 2 Terravore turn 3 Devastating Dreams ftw.

Likewise, Gaea’s Might Get There was a turn too fast, and all the friggin’ thing did was turn 2 Watchwolf, turn 3 Cloak that sumb*tch Tribal Flames you. If Ichorid can’t beat that, even with a nutty double Ichy / Wonder / and Zombies too draw, then what do I do: hope to play against all the sucky decks? For sucky, read: the ones that don’t play creatures. Prolly not.

Even my fall back deck fell back. Alas, thanks to my new job, I’ll have an additional ten-twelve hours per week to devote to breaking the environment. Or at least to fill the following checklist for The New Extended:

You cannot auto-lose to the fastest beatdown deck in the format.
You cannot auto-lose to the most resilient combo deck in the format.
You cannot auto-lose to the best control deck in the format.
You cannot auto-lose to any of the following:
Counterspells
“Protection” creatures
Land destruction
Hand destruction
Wrath of God
Tormod’s Crypt
Umezawa’s Jitte
Life gain
Pernicious Deed

While the checklist if far from exhaustive, any deck that can compete — and win more often than not — against all of the above, is destined to make its mark. One year ago, I was certain that Ichorid was the answer. My crappy version would beat ‘Tog, No Stick, Rock, and Boros like they were the redheaded stepchildren of redheaded crack-babies. It didn’t scoop to Affinity, Heartbeat or CAL, and even I went 3-4 with it.

Advance the frame one year. Here’s me not wondering why the wheels fell off, but rather trying to figure out how to get the car back on the road. New deck? Guffaw, I think I shot my load, thanks. Alas, Extended is nothing more than a 3,000 pound gorilla. My wife buys these cute wittle miniature bananas. Coincidence? Tsk.

While this Extended season reminds me a lot of last year, I’m still left with dozens of ideas and no clear path to righteousness. Perhaps there will be no “107 pages later,” and I’m damned sure the buck-each Elder fiasco is nothing but a distant memory.

Still, I hold out hope that I will I learn to stop worrying and fall in love with one deck, which, if it cannot result in an Ichorid of another flavor showing up in my stocking, can at least provide a really sh**ty way to end an article.

See you next week!
Maybe!
John Friggin’ Rizzo
Not a fifteen year-old boy