Commander!
Danny West: So Parnell. Did you play during Astral Slide?
Justin Parnell: You mean, when did Astral Slide begin to dominate my nightmares?
West: You’re such a baby.
Parnell: I lived through 2002, yes. Dark times.
West: Well, it’s about to get darker pal! Emrakul, the Promised End has nothing on an uncommon enchantment from a block so stale they had to change the card frames after it was over!
Parnell: That’s true. You didn’t need a 13/13 since you could virtually Mindslaver your opponent every turn without actually needing to cast a spell.
Creatures (23)
- 1 Solemn Simulacrum
- 1 Undead Gladiator
- 1 Eternal Dragon
- 1 Karmic Guide
- 1 Zur the Enchanter
- 1 Venser, Shaper Savant
- 1 Mulldrifter
- 1 Shriekmaw
- 1 Reveillark
- 1 Sun Titan
- 1 Phyrexian Metamorph
- 1 Archaeomancer
- 1 Notion Thief
- 1 Thassa, God of the Sea
- 1 Eidolon of Rhetoric
- 1 Brago, King Eternal
- 1 Clever Impersonator
- 1 Reflector Mage
- 1 Eldrazi Displacer
- 1 Recruiter of the Guard
- 1 Gonti, Lord of Luxury
- 1 Noxious Gearhulk
- 1 Cloudblazer
Planeswalkers (1)
Lands (37)
- 6 Plains
- 1 Adarkar Wastes
- 1 Swamp
- 5 Island
- 1 Underground Sea
- 1 Remote Isle
- 1 Polluted Mire
- 1 Drifting Meadow
- 1 Secluded Steppe
- 1 Lonely Sandbar
- 1 Barren Moor
- 1 Dust Bowl
- 1 Blasted Landscape
- 1 Caves of Koilos
- 1 Dimir Aqueduct
- 1 Watery Grave
- 1 Godless Shrine
- 1 Orzhov Basilica
- 1 Azorius Chancery
- 1 Hallowed Fountain
- 1 Calciform Pools
- 1 Mistveil Plains
- 1 Arcane Sanctum
- 1 Esper Panorama
- 1 Command Tower
- 1 Prairie Stream
- 1 Sunken Hollow
- 1 Ash Barrens
Spells (38)
- 1 Ghostly Prison
- 1 Counterspell
- 1 Replenish
- 1 Vampiric Tutor
- 1 Enlightened Tutor
- 1 Sol Ring
- 1 Demonic Tutor
- 1 Akroma's Vengeance
- 1 Astral Slide
- 1 Decree of Silence
- 1 Decree of Pain
- 1 Decree of Justice
- 1 Phyrexian Arena
- 1 Talisman of Progress
- 1 Talisman of Dominance
- 1 Renewed Faith
- 1 Complicate
- 1 Mystic Remora
- 1 Mind Stone
- 1 Radiant's Judgment
- 1 Miscalculation
- 1 Expunge
- 1 Karmic Justice
- 1 Copy Enchantment
- 1 Dimir Signet
- 1 Orzhov Signet
- 1 Azorius Signet
- 1 Steel of the Godhead
- 1 Traumatic Visions
- 1 Sundial of the Infinite
- 1 Supreme Verdict
- 1 Detention Sphere
- 1 Strionic Resonator
- 1 Grasp of Fate
- 1 Imprisoned in the Moon
- 1 Panharmonicon
- 1 Migratory Route
- 1 Ancient Excavation
West: That’s right. Two weeks, two Pro Tour winners with Commander decks. Could this column be any more VIP?
Parnell: Wait.
West: What?
Parnell: This is a Zur deck.
West: I mean, I guess Zur is one of the cards, yeah.
Parnell: His name is at the top of the list, Danny.
West: But it isn’t any Zur deck!
Parnell: All the goodwill you’d built with Astral Slide is now gone.
West: What goodwill?
Parnell: I’m sure you’re familiar with Stockholm Syndrome.
West: No, but I did think Hostage starring Bruce Willis was pretty great. Just kidding. Nobody watched that movie.
Parnell: I’m so sick of Zur the Enchanter decks, and I don’t care what gimmick this one has. ******* moronic card should be ***** banned until it’s erased from ***** Earth. You know what? Here’s my problem with Zur: the ****** stupid ******** is ******, even if we ignore the fact that he’s a complete ****** of a commander to begin with. This ***** the ****** out of *******. You’d have to be a real ***** to pilot this ****** of **** *******, and I don’t ***** ******* your ugly card sleeves ******** outside in the parking lot ****** that show on Netflix ****** if you can’t handle ******* unemployment rate ***** **** baseball memorabilia ****** ****** ****** ***** until Jared Leto finally quit his job at Dairy Queen to be in that movie.
West: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cast Tranquility over there. You’re out of control.
Parnell: Zur brings out the best in me.
West: This is the second week in a row that the deck we’re looking at has Demonic Tutor, Vampiric Tutor, and Gonti, Lord of Luxury. Maybe I should read that last card. It might be Vintage-playable.
Parnell: Yeah, lots of text on that one.
West: It’s a college textbook with a picture of a robot on it.
Parnell: I see right through your game, Danny. You’re trying to sucker me being okay with Zur because he technically includes black cards. This is the second week straight you’ve tried to fool me with Swamps. I won’t have it. Everything in this deck that isn’t black is crap. When was the last time you cast Renewed Faith?
West: It’s been a while. But I have cast Mystic Remora a time or two. Age counters, baby!
Parnell: The correct answer is never. No one has ever cast that card.
West: Of course no one has ever cast it. You cycle it, genius.
Parnell: Mystic Remora? Why not just tap all your lands every turn and pass?
West: Oh, so Shaun’s deck is both too good and not good enough? Make up your mind!
Parnell: Miscalculation? Radiant’s Judgment? Expunge? You should call Barnum and Bailey.
West: I’ll take the bait. Why should I call Barnum and Bailey?
Parnell: Because you’re jumping through so many hoops for this deck.
West: You know what? You need to listen to Ry Cooder. Do you know the work of Ry Cooder?
Parnell: Well, that’s a made up name, so obviously not.
West: He played guitar. He was the master of the sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.
Parnell: I’ve had enough of you, and I’ve had enough of this enchantment.
Cube!
Parnell: I’m going to give you a trivia fact, and you’re going to use it to guess the theme of this week’s cube.
West: I cautiously accept.
Parnell: Grammy-winning artist MC Hammer’s inspiration for his most popular song was based on this cube’s theme. He changed the name of the song at the last minute. What is that theme?
West: …Baseball?
Parnell: Stop! Enchantment time!
West: I was close.
This week’s cube comes courtesy of Cubetutor.com user GoodnorEvil.
West: Wow. This needs some pruning.
Parnell: I keep trying to correct Hammer’s Wikipedia page, but I think one of his representatives doesn’t want history to be formed in truth.
West: If he actually won a Grammy, then the truth is pretty irrelevant at this point anyway.
Parnell: This cube has already been pruned. Astral Slide was the first cut.
West: I like how all these levelers give you plenty to do with your mana while you’re screaming at yourself for drafting levelers.
Parnell: Rise of the Eldrazi was one of the most popular draft formats of all time, Danny. This is just turning the slow cook up to 250 degrees Fahrenheit for eight to twelve hours.
West: Here is a definitive list of all the cards in this 500 (not a typo) card cube that I approve of: Ephara, God of the Polis, Rayne, Academy Chancellor. End of list.
Parnell: Let me help you: Yawgmoth’s Bargain, Pattern of Rebirth, Dowsing Shaman, Repercussion and Nomad-Freaking-Mythmaker.
West: You bored me so hard with that list that I went and read Gonti. Card is kind of neat.
Parnell: And those enchantments are just the tip of the iceberg! The synergy of this thing is incredible. The fact that it is making use of so many Born of the Gods and Journey into Nyx cards is even more incredible.
West: I’m going to tell you something a lot of people don’t know about me. Not even my own parents.
Parnell: If it’s about you sleeping in a bikini for most of your twenties, everyone knows. We found the pictures and didn’t have the heart to tell you.
West: My favorite card type is enchantment.
Parnell: Is that so?
West: Yes. Which is why I don’t understand why we’re cluttering this cube up with all these non-enchantment cards that don’t even interact with enchantments. Look at the top of the CubeTutor page. This is Version 2 of this thing. Good to see Varchild’s War-Riders making that brutal first cut.
Parnell: Could we trim this 500 down to 360? Yes. Are we wasting time with Dwarven Berserker and Basal Thrull? Yes. Are you completely pumped anyway that you can go big with every color (including, and especially, red), and put together a doomsday device (Doomsday not included) that makes your opponent uncomfortable as they are in awe of your enchanted machinations? Y. E. S.
West: I’d prefer my machinations have the joy of picking up Dance of Many without the disappointment of seeing Word of Command’s art in the next pack.
Parnell: The appropriately-named GoodnorEvil has done a wonderful job of putting in plenty of archetypes that are positively…enchanting.
West: Wow.
Parnell: You have a cube that does not demand you play red aggression. Where enters-the-battlefield effects are truly a luxury so you’re not getting beaten over the head with Mulldrifter and Inferno Titan just because you opened the wrong pack. The drafting process allows you to build around cards like Evershrike or Words of War.
West: Or Atogs. Oh wait, there are like twelve of them, so you’re never going to see more than one. And no Atogatog payoff? That should be illegal.
Parnell: I’ll give you Chronatog and Foratog, but the rest are extremely dangerous. I take it you’ve never been on the risky end of an Auratog and Rancor together?
West: I know we’re in the business of enchantments, but is there anything worse than taking a break from Modern, going to Cube, and seeing Slippery Bogle and Kor Spiritdancer looking back at you? They’re horrible people, Parnell.
Parnell: Kor Spiritdancer stays. I’m not touching Slippery Bogle. Literally. I can’t. It has hexproof.
West: That’s fine. It can be stopped with Flooded Woodlands, which is somehow not a land.
Parnell: Flooded Woodlands, huh?
West: Yeah. Wait. The textbox is scaring me. A creature can’t attack, but it has a trigger when they attack? What if I can’t find the oracle text?!
Parnell: Don’t look it directly in the eyes.
West: I’m scared!
Parnell: Last selling point: Booster Tutor. I dare you to oppose its awesomeness.
West: Never. It’s exciting to cast even if you get fifteen levelers.
Parnell: This cube has me in such a generous mood.
West: You must be generous to showcase a cube with Flooded Woodlands. Seriously, it makes me uncomfortable.
Parnell: I think this cube needs a new name.
West: What do you propose?
Parnell: New Mexico.
West: Yeah, I—wait, what?
Parnell: Hammer was born in a small town in New Mexico.
West: Hammer? Wait, are you trying to change his Wikipedia again?
Parnell: Dance, Danny!
West: I don’t want to.
Parnell: We’re outta here!
West: I regret this so much.
Parnell:
When Justin Parnell and Danny West get on the dancefloor, the Dance of Many turns into a dance of very few.