This week on SCG Daily we are featuring a series of special interviews covering the various types of Magic cards. The hosts were supposed to be guest celebrities, and the interviewees Planeswalkers and residents of Dominaria with special expertise in the field. Today’s guest interviewer was to be Jay Leno, interviewing Uyo, the Silent Prophet, on instants and sorceries. Unfortunately, Uyo apparently copied the appointment and changed the target date, so that interview is not available. However, Teddy Cardgame sent over Squee, Goblin Nabob, and some of the WotC goblins to save our butts.
Hi. This is Squee, former Goblin Nabob and now the boss of the secret Wizard’s Research Quality Assurance Team (although I’m not supposed to tell you about that, so forget I said anything). Anyway, today I’m going to be the official interviewer person – uh, goblin – so I gets to read this list of questions here.
First though, I have to introduce these here other goblins. Now you guys – you say your name, and say who you are, okay? Okay. Imwita, let’s start with you.
Imwita: What? Huh? I didn’t touch it. It just fell over and broke. Huh? Oh – okay. I’m Imwita. I’m Goblin Tinkerer. I’m the Goblin Tinkerer.
Durg: Hi, I’m Durg. I’m a Goblin Archeologist, and he did too touch it.
Skif: I’m Skif. I got this neat welding torch, and I’m an expert at making stuff. Look – I just made Goblin Replica into THIS NIFTY BULLHORN!
Squee: Put that away! Now listen up, here’s the first question. “What were the most important artifacts in Alpha?”
Imwita: …Erm… Conservator?
Squee: I guess so, but it says here to ask more about Black Lotus and the Moxen, so maybe those, too. Does anyone remember those?
Durg: nope, never heard of them – before my time.
Skif: Mine, too. I do remember there used to be some monkey (editor’s note; Gorilla Shaman) always smashing them up. That was back in the days when they had monkeys and stuff to do that job – not Goblins. Goblins is the best at dat.
Durg: Goblins is the best at everything. Dan Paskins says so.
Imwita: I remember those moxie things. They made nice popping sounds when you fixed them. And you didn’t get much more than mildly burned when they blew.
Squee: Okay, the next questions are about the artifacts in the Legends and Ice Ages blocks. Any of you guys around then?
Imwita: Nope.
Durg: Nopie dopie.
Skif: Not me.
Squee: Ok… the next question is about the Mirage block. Imwita – that’s your old stomping ground, right?
Imwita: Yup. Sure, I remember that stuff. Magma Mine – Kapow! The Chimeras – Bang! Bang! Bang! Teeka’s Dragon – KABOOM! Good times, good times.
Durg: Forge[/author]“]Thran [author name="Forge"]Forge[/author]! (snicker)
Imwita: Shut up. Don’t say anything about that.
Durg: (laughing) Forge[/author]“]Thran [author name="Forge"]Forge[/author]!
Imwita: Shut up!
Squee: I’m sure our readers want to know all about it. Imwita, would you like to explain?
Durg: No – I get to tell! I get to tell! Imwita was going to – oh this is so funny – Imwita was going – this is hilarious – Imwita was going to fix this Forge[/author]“]Thran [author name="Forge"]Forge[/author]. Okay. So he was going to tinker with it. And then the Forge[/author]“]Thran [author name="Forge"]Forge[/author] made Imwita an artifact, right? Then, anyway, he gets his tool out, then this Red spell hit him – it was remake or brain scramble or refix or something. (Editor’s note: Reroute.) Anyway, it hit Imwita, and then he started tinkering with himself instead of the Forge, and – this is the best part – he blew his own head completely off. Kapop! It was so funny. I was laughing at that for months. Kapop – his head comes off!
Imwita: I’ll fix you! Your head will come off! (they fight)
Skif: Typical. That’s what you get when you play with hand tools. Never do that – use a big hot welding torch – or flamethrower. Hey – right – I remember one of those old artifacts: Rocket Launcher. That was so cool. FWOOSSHH!
Squee: Right. Yeah. That was fun. Fwooosh! Is there one around here? Oh – wait – next question: Urza’s block.
Imwita: No! (hides behind chair)
Durg: Shhh!!
Skif: Let’s not talk about it. That kind of talk wakes the Masticore. Just say “Grim Monolith, Voltaic Key, Phyrexian Processor, Powder Keg” and move on. Quietly.
Squee: Okay, Masques block.
Imwita: Zzzzzzzzz. (Snort, fake snores,)
Durg: I was working on a Masques block dig a while back – I’m an archaeologist, right – and all I can say is I’m glad I didn’t live back then. Boring!
Skif: Parallax Inhibitor! Wheee! Although I will admit to Welding on a lot of Tangle Wires, so it wasn’t all dreck.
Squee: Invasion block. Say, how many of these blocks are there, anyway?
Imwita: Got to be Draco. Man, could you get a big bang with him. KaBOOOOM! Zowie.
Durg: I like Power Armor. I got into a set once, and I just started ripping everything up. I mean, I could fly, and trample, and everything. Or maybe that was Power Matrix.
Skif: I remember two artifacts from that block. I remember people’s faces when I welded their Skyship Weatherlight into a Chromatic Sphere. Man, were they pissed. On the other hand, I remember trying to weld Legacy Weapon – you couldn’t make anything out of that sucker.
Squee: These questions are boring. New question – what’s your favorite artifact?
Imwita: Shield Sphere. You can blow that thing up and barely singe your eyebrows.
Durg: Goblin Charbelcher. It’s like Rocket Launcher, only bigger. And they let me fire it sometimes.
Skif: For me, I think it’s Lightning Greaves. I mean, when I’m playing, everyone is always gunning for me. The greaves is a great protection, and if I don’t need it, I can always make it into something more useful.
Squee: Last question – what artifact do you hate most?
Imwita: Mine used to be Cursed Scroll – I mean, either you got it or it got you. Now it’s Darksteel Colossus. I mean, you tinker with that, you get totally blown away and it isn’t even hurt.
Durg: All that Affinity stuff. There was so much of it. Going after that stuff was like shoveling water upstream.
Skif: For me, it has to be Mindslaver. I am so sick of Mindslaver. It’s always “Skif, here’s a Pentavite token – make me a Mindslaver.” Or “here’s an old mox, weld me a Mindslaver.” Enough already!
Squee: You’re right. Enough already! Let’s go have lunch. Teddy Cardgame said that they have a lunch room – and I heard that they have lots of kitchen appliances.
Imwita: Yay! Toasters go Zapp-bang!
Durg: Works for me.
Skif: Sure, microwaves make nice ashtrays.