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William Shatner Buys Porno

It’s a real shame that you, my rabid readership, can’t share in what I’m experiencing right now: . Total, blessed silence. Once again I’m writing into the total vacuum of the internet, with no feedback whatsoever. I’m free to believe whatever I please about you folks. It’s all pretty flattering stuff. You’re all really intelligent,…

It’s a real shame that you, my rabid readership, can’t share in what I’m experiencing right now:

Silence.

Total, blessed silence. Once again I’m writing into the total vacuum of the internet, with no feedback whatsoever. I’m free to believe whatever I please about you folks. It’s all pretty flattering stuff. You’re all really intelligent, caring individuals united only by your love of my prose. You’re too good to me, you really are. I’m starting to get all weepy here.

I’ve spent the day sorting through all of the no mail you’ve sent in response to my last article. Maybe it’s the contrast to the overwhelming volume you sent earlier that makes this silence seem all the more significant. Maybe not. Maybe you’ve all stopped reading and gone home.

Fair… Enough.

Hold on, hold on, let me dab my eyes here. You’ve got me all choked up.

There, much better. I’m going to veer off the beaten path a bit, surprising no-one, and tell you about my weekend. Let me just say: "oh my goodness, here it comes."

This weekend was made special by my viewing of "Free Enterprise," a movie starring some guys and William Shatner. If you need any reason to see this film it is this: William Shatner buys porno. This bears repeating: William Shatner buys porno.

William Shatner buys porno.

Look at that.

I’m tempted to give you two and half pages of that sentence, just so the enormity of it hits home.

William Shatner, James Tiberius Kirk, in a bookstore, buying a pornographic magazine.

Kinda puts everything into perspective, don’t you think?

I mean, James WHOOOOO GODDAMN Kirk!

I’ll say this about the movie: there simply ARE NOT women who like "Tombs of the Blind Dead", no matter what this movie will have me believe. In fact, this movie came dangerously close to driving me insane. If the female protagonist had had a serious interest in KMFDM and Anime, I would have given up Reality wholesale. I’d much rather live in that sort of perfect fantasy land.

Popular Myth #10: You need to mix some Reality in your imagination.

I mean, you might as well go the whole hog. In fact, I’m about to do just that, and put my education in serious jeopardy to boot. You folks have no idea how strong an urge it is to throw in a fictional dialogue between myself and Alex Trebek right here.

OMC: What do YOU think?

Trebek: Actually, I think you need to balance the serious portions of your writing with more bawdy limmericks.

OMC: Really?

Trebek: Hey, man, whatever. Let’s go watch "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness on the Planet of the Apes".

OMC: (Head explodes)

Restraint is at an all time low. "And do what thou wilt shall be the whole of The Law, unless thou wouldst not follow The Law."

The reason for my rapidly approaching expulsion from university is the amount of time I’m diverting from my studies into Magic. All this is meant to serve as introduction. The causal connexions are there somewhere. Ladies and Germs, my white weenie deck:

(With apologies to Jay Moldenhauer-Salazar, a talented Star City writer, whose ideas I’m totally Bogarting right now.)

Pile.dec (So Alpha you can feel it)

Ostensible Creatures

4 Soltari Priest

4 Soltari Monk

4 Mother Of Runes

4 White Knight

Ostensible Utility

4 Enlightened Tutor

1 Aura of Silence

1 Ivory Mask

1 Cursed Scroll

3 Disenchant

4 Winter Orb

4 Swords to Plowshares

3 Empyrial Armour

Ostensible Mana

4 Tithe

4 Mox Diamond

4 Wasteland

11 Plains

In all seriousness, go check out Jay’s article (or his next one, if he’s not on the main page by the time this is posted), he sets out a good analysis, and it’s worth noting the differences between our approaches.

This is an alpha version, because most of my playtest time is going into another, super secret project that’s going to totally dominate the extended environment. Really. All our testing is coming out positive, and it looks like we’ll get another person on The Tour this time. Really. No kidding. Would I lie to you?

Okay, okay, I’ve got nothing. Are you happy? I’m a broken, broken man. Damn you, you bloodsuckers! (shaking my fist in impotent rage)

Did you know that impotent rage is like a second home to me?

This deck is mostly founded in my conception of a typical qualifier metagame. First and foremost, there is going to be at least, at very least, one third beatdown decks. Jer says one half, but I’m of a cautious sort. The particular type of beatdown isn’t that important, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be equally split between Stompy and Hatred. The reason these decks will get played is because they are consistent, easy to build, well tested, and easy to play. All right out of the proverbial box.

Next, there will be a lot of Necro decks. Not just for the reasons above, but also because of its success at the recent Pro-Tour. Ditto for Oath decks. Although much harder to play, they were the foil of choice against the many High Tide decks last season, and so people are familiar with how Oath works.

And then there’s bound to be some combo decks.

So why, against a field like this, would I play White Weenie?

Well, Shadow is pretty good against all kinds of decks that have walls. Particularly Shield Sphere. It means that you actually have a clock against combo decks. Empyrial Armour ensures that the clock you have will be large enough to force them to sit up and take notice. Swords to Plowshares combines well with this evasion to give you a decent chance against agressive decks. Empyrial Armour makes a lot of races winnable. Swords to Plowshares also stops opponent’s Acadamy Rectors. Not bad at all.

Enlightened Tutor is also a good reason to play white. It means you get just that much more redundancy in the cards you NEED to see to beat certain strategies, as well as opening up slots for main-deck hosers, and giving you a more versatile sideboard.

White Weenie gives you the Mox Diamond/Tithe acceleration, which is really important in an environment as fast as this.

Oh, and Wasteland. This, combined with a threat can essentially win you the game. Totally worth playing.

The play of the deck is exactly like it looks. Drop a threat, Armour it up, respond to Opponent’s moves, and win hardcore (this last being largely hypothetical). True, Winter Orb + Cursed Scroll = Not A Combo, nor Scroll + Armour, but there are cases where a Scroll will do you good, and it can be Tutored for. Winter Orb is, in my opinion, useful against more decks, and so it earns more deck slots. More Scrolls can be found in the board.

I have a few reservations about the deck. First, there might not be enough creatures. I’m expecting a field with few Swords to Plowshares, so Empyrial Armour shouldn’t mean that all my eggs are in one basket. Second, Winter Orb might not be enough of a deterrent for combo/control decks. Third, I’m not packing Force of Will, and that frightens the bejeezus out of me.

I’ve conceived a possible variation:

-4 Enlightened Tutor

-1 Ivory Mask

-1 Aura Of Silence

-1 Cursed Scroll

-3 Disenchant

-4 Swords to Plowshares

-5 Plains

+4 Tundra

+1 Empyrial Armour

+4 Force Spike

+4 Force Of Will

+4 Mana Leak

+2 Arcane Denial

Which doesn’t look like enough cards to pitch to a Force, but probably is.

This trades one type of utility for another. Force Spike is just amazing, and doubly so under Winter Orb. The problem is the fragmentation of the mana base. You have 12 (sort of) ways to get blue mana, and still lots of ways to get white, but you can be derailed easily by Wasteland.

Plus, this second version has big issues with beatdown strategies. It simply must get an early armour, or fail. However, it does follow the tried and true strategy of "an early, protected threat can seriously bum rush your opponent nine times out of ten."

I’m off to a PTQ this coming weekend, so I guess I’m putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak. You can bet your fattened fanny that I’ll have gobs to talk about in the wake of this proposed misadventure. If, for any reason, I’m unable to attend, I’ve got a back-up article all lined up:

"Chump Attacking: Taking Wanton Disregard for Board Control to the Next Level."

Josh Bennett

OMC

onemancrowd@hotmail.com

E-mail is like conversation, except there’s no way I can poke you in the eye. I think that that kind of security should tip the scales in favour of sending me your opinion.